Page 78 of Please Don’t Go (The Midnight Strike #1)

JOSEFINE

“You kept them.” Daniel peruses the box filled with every single Post-it note he’s given me, along with his cards.

Even though I was put off about his intentions at first, I never could get rid of that first one he gave me with his phone number and every other one after that.

They were papers with words on them, I thought at first, but then they became more.

They weren’t just words he was saying for the hell of it or to placate me.

They were little reminders every day that Daniel was— is happy that I’m here.

But saying little is a huge understatement because those words saved my life.

“I sometimes thought about getting rid of them, but I could never bring myself to,” I mournfully admit, not looking up at him. “It was hard to believe that you cared about me and genuinely meant it. You didn’t know me and I thought?—”

“Hey.” Daniel turns, cupping my face to make me look at him. He sweetly smiles at me, warmth and love shining in his eyes. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I get it. You didn’t know me, and I was very insistent.”

“You were, but your insistence…” I breathe out shakily. “Saved me.”

Shortly after we talked at the aquarium, we came back to my house. While we decided to get back together and expressed how much we love each other, there is more we need to talk about.

We’re currently in what used to be his room, looking at the stuff Vienna had stored for me here. It was the things Daniel gifted me and I couldn’t bear to look at when he was gone.

He drops his hands and snakes them around my shoulders, hugging me.

Flashbacks of that night play in my head. I’m scared thinking that I almost ended it all, but I’m also relieved that he was there.

“Do you want to talk about that night?” he cautiously asks.

“I don’t know how to get the words out,” I quietly say.

“You don’t have to talk about it now, but if you ever want to, I’m here.”

“No, I want to now,” I answer a little more confidently.

I pull back and tug him down to sit next to me on the bed.

He laces his fingers through mine and with the other, uses his index finger to draw patterns on the top of my hand.

I roll my shoulders back, closing my eyes as that night plays in my head.

I rest my head on his shoulder and exhale an anxious breath.

He stays quiet and circles an arm around my back. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

I nod, looking down at our joined hands as more flashbacks flood my brain.

“After Mom’s death, I tried to live normally or at least find my new normal.

I thought, how hard could it be?” I pause because I know how bad this is going to sound, but I say it anyway.

“You’re going to think I’m a shitty person for thinking this, but I thought, we weren’t close, we lived together but we hardly saw each other unless it involved swimming and even then, we didn’t know each other well enough.

So why should I have cared that she was gone?

She died, so what? It’s not like she gave a damn for me physically or even emotionally. ”

“I don’t think you’re a shitty person,” he softly says, kissing the top of my head.

I smile because of course he’d say that.

He somehow always finds the good in me that I struggle to find.

“Well, I felt like a shitty person because for days I felt that way. I thought, it is what it is, she’s dead, her not existing wasn’t any different than when she was alive.

It wasn’t until I was told to take bereavement…

” My chest grows heavy and I bite my bottom lip to stop it from quivering.

“That I started feeling her absence in a way I hadn’t when I first received the news she had passed.

And then there was a culmination of things that felt so insignificant in the moment they were happening.

But they felt that way because I kept brushing them off until I couldn’t any longer.

Like accepting that she had a will in my name.

She had left everything to me and I couldn’t understand why, when she never once uttered she loved me or said she was proud of me.

” My knee bounces anxiously. “It all suddenly came crashing down. I didn’t know how to navigate my feelings or begin to understand what I was feeling towards her.

It was so overwhelming. And then I started drowning in my emotions, suffocating with the realization that my life’s purpose was to fulfill whatever she demanded.

“I tried to keep going, thinking of what I had at the moment: school, swim, and Bryson. But then I thought, ‘then what?’ Those two words were constantly revolving around my head. I couldn’t shut them down, no matter how hard I tried.

And the people around me didn’t make it easier.

They didn’t see me. No one did. They saw my Mom and everything she did.

No one ever saw me. They just saw her in me. I was so lonely.

“And then he cheated, but even then, despite the hurt, I also didn’t care.

Then I stopped caring about school, about swimming, about everything.

I tried hard to come back from not caring, but those two words were so persistent.

And then it was Christmas Eve, the anniversary of her death.

That day the ‘then what’ was quiet, everything was.

It was weird but so peaceful because it had been the first time in…

ever that my head was quiet. Everything was, and then I just…

knew I was done trying to make sense of those two words, my complicated feelings towards my mom, and being alone. ”

He pulls me up and I straddle his thighs. I bury my face in the crook of his neck, and he embraces me in a firm, protective hug.

“The silence was nice,” I plainly admit.

“It was the nicest thing I had ever experienced and I never wanted it to stop. So I didn’t think.

I walked and walked until I ended up at the cliff and was ready to die.

I was ready to welcome silence forever, but then you showed up, pulled me back, and begged for me not to go.

God, I was so mad at you for doing that… ”

“I know,” he says in a hushed voice, rubbing my back. “But I’d do it again.”

I smile into his neck. “You won’t have to.

I promise. I hadn’t ever thought about ending it all until that night but after then, I could never bring myself to do it.

I was scared because your ‘please don’t go’ words wouldn’t stop echoing in my head.

They were annoying at first, but it was because I felt like I was your pity project.

I didn’t think you actually cared, at least that’s what I kept telling myself.

Jarvis says I was self-sabotaging because deep down I knew you weren’t, but I couldn’t let myself believe someone actually cared.

I also didn’t want someone to care for me.

Because who would be stupid enough to want me?

I wasn’t worth it, but you made me feel like I was. ”

“Because you are worth it.” He draws back a little and hooks a finger under my chin, making me look up at him. “You are worth it, Josefine.”

“I feel that now, but in the moment, I didn’t and then that night when you got drunk and you said those things…

” I don’t want him to feel bad or blame himself, but he nods at me, looking at me thoughtfully, letting me know he wants to hear it.

“I started to believe that maybe I really wasn’t.

Because I thought you were making yourself miserable to make me happy.

You are so precious to me and the thought that you were so unhappy made me hate myself. ”

He sighs, eyes flickering with regret. “I’m so sorry. I hate that I made you feel that way. I wish I could take it all back.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s really not, especially because of what I’m going to tell you.”

I nod, letting him know it’s okay for him to proceed.

“This is going to sound bad, but there is no other way to say it. Jarvis says, I was using you as a crutch after I opened up to her and told her being with you has been the safest I’ve ever felt.

And because it was only with you, I was seeking grounded security.

With you, I felt free of judgment, and in my drunken state, I thought because you’d been through it too, I could tell you what I was feeling.

So I bared my heart to you because you were my safety net, but in doing so, I let it all out and I hurt you.

I didn’t mean to; that’s not how I wanted to tell you then or ever, really.

I also didn’t mean to use you to ground myself, but being around you, I couldn’t hide who I was because unknowingly you saw me and I felt good, but I despised myself for it.

I didn’t want anyone else to suffer because of me, but I still managed to fuck it all up because you did. I’m sorry, Josie. I really am.”

“Don’t be.” I cup his cheek and softly rub the pad of my thumb along the bone. “I’m not mad. You were hurting—we both were—and that made us do and say things.”

“Things I regret but I’m…I’m working on them, Josie. I really am. Like I told you at the aquarium, I’m trying to get better; it’s just going to take some time because my head, it’s really dark in there.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” He doesn’t meet my stare like he’s embarrassed or struggling to accept he said that out loud. Either way, it doesn’t matter because I’m not going anywhere.

He swallows hard. “It’s really fucked up in there, Josie.

It’s dark enough, I’m consumed in thoughts of also wishing for silence.

I haven’t in a while though, but that’s as dark as it’s gotten.

There’s this pitch-black fog that sometimes comes when I think about my future.

And sometimes, it just comes because I don’t feel like I deserve good things. Like I don’t deserve you.”

I don’t stop stroking his cheek. “If you let me in, I’ll hold a flashlight, and we’ll find a way out together.”

His eyes light up. “You’ll do that for me?”

“I’ll do it for the rest of our lives.” I smile at him, and he feebly smiles back. “As I continue to remind you that you deserve all the good things.”

He squeezes his eyes tight as they mist over, and he shakes his head as if he were trying to stop himself from crying.

“Let yourself feel.” I brush my lips against his and softly peck them.

Daniel smiles against mine, gently kissing me. After a moment, I climb off him and we lie back. I lay my head on top of his chest, hearing his heart beat a little wildly.

“The guilt has always been there, but it felt heavier when I did certain things that revolved around Adrian. Those days that felt too much, I’d think about the most painful way I could die because I felt that was what I deserved.

But then someone would need me for whatever reason and I couldn’t go through with it.

” He grows quiet, drumming his fingers on his thigh.

“And then I’d hate myself because I felt guilty for not being able to go through with it, but I’d also be mad because my family and friends needed me and I was thinking of dying.

It was a dark cycle I couldn’t get out of.

So I smiled because it was the only thing I thought I could do, the only thing I felt I was good at, the only thing I knew I couldn’t fuck up.

You can’t hurt anyone if you’re smiling.

” He releases a pained sigh. “And then you happened…”

The drumming stops, and his erratic heartbeats become steady.

“The guilt was there; it never left, but I felt it less. One moment, I was reliving a memory with Adrian and a second later, I was thinking of you. A dark cloud would loom as I thought about him—the desire to suffocate was so fucking real some days…” His voice is hoarse, but he clears his throat and I weave my fingers through his, squeezing his hand.

“But then it faded away when I thought about your smile and your brown eyes. Some days I just wanted to…” He inhales sharply.

“Shoot myself because I felt so much and I didn’t know how to make it stop.

I didn’t know how to not feel the hole in my chest. I didn’t know how to continue existing when he didn’t but then…

” He swallows. “I’d think about all the things we’ve done. ”

We haven’t done much , I want to say, because we really haven’t. There are moments we’ve shared, and they’re special to me, extraordinary even, but I’m not sure they’d be considered the moments that make life special.

I’m mad at myself. Why didn’t I do more?

“You did more than enough,” he says as if he could hear my internal turmoil.

“Because those moments we shared are the essence of my existence.” He shifts on his side and cups my cheek, staring down at me.

“Those moments made me feel me again and are the reason why I looked forward to every day as long as it meant I got to make more with you.”

My heart expands, and my eyes well with tears. “I look forward to every day with you too.”

Agony floods his face. “Don’t cry, please. I don’t like seeing you sad.”

“I’m okay. I promise I’m not sad; I just feel so much for you.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express it the way that you do.

But I’ll try to do my best to show you, to be here, to make sure you know that I see you .

I want every version of you and nothing, and I mean literally nothing, will ever change how I feel about you.

I’m not going anywhere. I promise you I’m not. ”

“I’m so in love with you.” He tips his head up and kisses my forehead.

“I love you.” I smile.

“Do you think we can pause for a little? This is a lot, and I just need a break from it.”

I nod because I feel that way too.

“You don’t have to ask. We can do whatever you want.” I get up, grabbing the portable CD player and the little box from one of the boxes and lie next to him, snuggling into the crook of his arm.

“No, you didn’t!” He laughs disbelievingly at the brand-new earbuds I bought. I meant to give them to him, but I never got the chance.

“I never finished listening to the CD you gave me and your earbuds are shit. No offense.”

“A lot taken.” He pinches my side.

My cheek twitches. “Don’t worry, the old earbuds are tucked safely away.”

I hand him one and I place the other in my ear. Then I turn on the CD player. The beat of the song playing filters through the little buds, but once I hear the lyrics of “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer, I lose it.

“I love this song, don’t you?” Daniel keeps a straight face, but I know he’s trying not to laugh. “The lyrics are just so…exhilarating, huh?”

I laugh. “Exhilarating?”

“And…” He presses his lips together. “Stimulating.”

We both laugh, and while he sings, I hum along because I don’t know the words.