Page 75 of Please Don’t Go (The Midnight Strike #1)
She purses her lips, tucking her hair behind her ear. “He’s not and it’s ah, not real. I’m just using this guy to move on, and he agreed so yeah. Anyway, have you eaten?” She quickly shifts the conversation, not meeting my stare.
That piques my interest, but I don’t get to ask anything because she asks me if I’ve eaten again.
Hmm…interesting.
It’s not long before Vienna is waltzing in my house with food, and once we’re done eating, they sit on either side of me on the sectional, staring at me like they’re contemplating something.
“What?” I take a drink of my water.
“We know,” Vi starts, a warm smile on both their faces. “We don’t tell you we love you or hug you because we know it makes you uncomfortable and that’s the last thing we ever want to do.”
“But,” Pen chimes in. “We love you and we want you to know that no matter what happens, we’ll always be here for you. We’ll always be in your life, and you can’t get rid of us, so don’t even try.”
That catches me off guard. It’s unexpected, making my skitch itch and anxiety whirl in my stomach. It’s not because I don’t believe them or don’t know they care about me, but it’s also for that exact reason.
“Oh.” The bridge of my nose stings. “I-I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” Vi supplies, clutching my hand. “We just want you to know that we love you.”
“We really do,” Pen says. “And that no matter what happens, it’s us against it all. You got us for life.”
From my periphery I see her scoot closer and then Vienna does too.
I know what they’re doing. A part of me wants to retreat, push them away and believe that these girls, who I haven’t known for long, care about me.
But I’d be lying to myself if I really made myself believe that.
I know they care, otherwise they wouldn’t be here.
“Fuck.” My voice quivers and the tears that gather spill once they wrap their arms around me. “Dammit. Why are you guys like this?”
“Because we love you, Josefine.” Now Vi is crying.
Pen sniffles and I don’t have to look at her to know she is too. I can’t look anyway because my vision is blurred by the onslaught of tears that won’t stop spilling.
“We wanted you to hear it from us. We wanted you to know how much we care about you.”
“I-I love you too.” That was so weird to get out but also…kind of nice. “Now if you don’t mind…” I get choked up. “Get off me. I genuinely feel like I’m evaporating as I speak.”
They both laugh and squeeze me once more before letting go of me.
“Thanks for being here. It means a lot.” I smile at them, wiping the tears away.
Vienna saw me physically at my worst, and Penelope, despite what happened between her brother and me, is still here.
She also knows about my crash out, and even knowing that, they’re both still here.
Like it doesn’t matter how unstable my emotions are, how awkward I am, how I’m not as bubbly as they are—they’re still here.
They still want me for me.
I’m enough for them.
They’re going to stay.
April 21st
“Josefine,” Monica warmly greets me, motioning for me to come into her office.
She emailed me this morning, asking if I could meet her. I assume it’s because I still haven’t gotten back to her and she probably wants to let me know they’ve offered it to someone else.
“Thanks for meeting me on such short notice.” She sits, her posture laid-back.
“Yeah, no problem.” I take a seat across from her and wipe my palms on my thighs.
She smiles. “I’m going to cut to the chase. I’m sure you’re busy and probably don’t have a lot of time.”
I shrug but I don’t nod. Other than hiking and a few assignments, I don’t have anything going on in my life. There’s meditating. Pen says it’s good for the soul or whatever. So I’m trying it.
“I don’t mean to be persistent about this, but I just wanted to know if you’ve thought about the offer?”
I can’t hide my shock fast enough. “Oh.”
“You seem surprised.”
“Yeah, I figured you would’ve already offered it to someone else.”
“No. I still want you to take it.”
“Why me? There are a lot of qualified candidates who I’m sure would kill for this.”
She sits forward, I think crossing one of her legs over the other.
“I’m going to be frank with you. You are brilliantly talented and I’d hate for that to go to waste.
You have an eye for this and are the most qualified, if not overqualified, for this position, but I know you’re uncertain about what you want to do career wise and maybe this could help you figure it out.
I know you teach swim lessons, so you’re obviously not done with being in the water. ”
I stare at her, stupefied. “How do you know this?”
“You made a comment to Ross.”
Right, her. She’s the Associate Head Coach for the Women’s Swim team.
When I decided to quit swimming, I spoke to her because I refused to talk to Christian.
She tried to convince me to stay, but I was overwhelmed with Mom’s death and I wanted nothing to do with swimming.
But in doing so, I think I crashed out and told her about my uncertain future.
“Oh.” I drop my gaze to the sleek floor.
“If you really don’t want this, you can tell me no. I promise there will be no hard feelings.” I’m sure she means it. Her voice is soft and understanding.
Discomfort twists in my stomach as I go back and forth, debating whether I want to tell her it’s hard for me to make up my mind.
But the words vomit out before I can stop them.
“Maybe I do want to do it but the thought of stepping back in that natatorium makes me anxious. Since Mom passed, I’ve been struggling, and I’m afraid to freak out or do something really stupid.
That’s why I don’t think I’m suited for the position.
I appreciate you thinking of me, believing in me, wanting me to help, but I’m not mentally ready. ”
I breathe out a shaky breath, my legs bounce, and my eyes flicker away from hers.
“Josie…” Her voice wavers. “I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
“It’s fine. I’m trying to be open about how I feel.” But what I really want to do is hide. My skin prickles because there’s more than one person who knows I’m a mess. That I don’t have my life together and I’m in shambles.
Monica stands and circles her desk, taking the seat next to me. I look at her, feeling perplexed. “I hate that you’ve been going through this, and that I might have made you uncomfortable by pushing this onto you. That’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
“It’s fine, really. I just thought you should know.”
A tinge of sadness flares on her face. “I appreciate you opening up to me and letting me know. But you know, it’s not okay to think that’s okay.
Don’t be afraid to open up because you’re worried about how people will perceive you.
Your mental health is your priority; don’t let anyone else make you think otherwise. What can I do to help you?”
I stay quiet, unsure how to reply. I’ve never had this many people want to help me and be genuine about it. It’s both unnerving and a relief. I kind of feel like throwing up.
“There’s a therapist on campus, Jarvis,” she starts. “I know therapy sounds like a lot and may be overwhelming, but I promise she’s amazing. I understand how difficult it is to express yourself when maybe you’re unsure how, but if there’s anyone you’ll want to speak to, it’ll be her.”
“I looked. She’s pretty booked,” I admit.
“Do you want to talk to her?” There’s a look of determination in her eyes.
My heart rattles anxiously. “Yeah, I’d like to.”
“Okay, don’t worry about anything. I will get you an appointment with her.”
“No, you really don’t have to do that.”
“I want to.” She smiles at me, placing her hand over mine. “It’s no problem at all.”
It’s okay to accept help. Stop being so stubborn. “Okay, thank you.”
April 28th
“I don’t like Jarvis. I don’t like therapy. I don’t want to do it anymore.”
Pen’s lips twitch. “Don’t be like that. It’s good for you.”
“I know. It’s just…”
“I get it,” she says to fill the void of silence as we stand in front of the jellyfish. “It’s exhausting.”
It’s been a week since I spoke to Monica.
She didn’t waste a second to get in contact with the therapist because that very same day, I spoke with Jarvis.
She said she wanted to see me twice a week.
Today’s the third time I’ve spoken to her, and just like last week, I’ve left feeling drained but also like a tiny rock—one of the millions—on my chest, has been taken off.
I don’t like her because she’s horrible but she asks questions, the kind that provokes me to feel so deeply.
She’s all about identifying the cause, and to do that, we have to find the root.
Meaning, I have to dig so fucking deep, it makes me want to rip my hair out.
Not only do I have to talk about Mom and our relationship, but I also have to talk about Daniel, and just the mere thought of him makes me want to cry.
Then she pointed out what I didn’t understand or wanted to acknowledge. I’m depressed, struggling with depersonalization, understanding grief, have self-sabotaging tendencies, and what love means and is.
Needless to say, therapy is going…okay. I just don’t like the aftermath of it because I’m left thinking, feeling, wondering, and then I spiral a little. Which is why I’m at the aquarium.
I didn’t want to come. All I wanted to do was lay around and sleep off the exhaustion and not be with Pen. I appreciate her company, but being around her makes me think of Daniel. It’s not her fault she’s related to him, but it makes my chest ache.
I’m sure she knows how I feel, but she never addresses the elephant in the room and I’m thankful for that.
Despite my feelings, I needed to decompress and she knew that.
That’s why she forced me out of my house and brought me to the aquarium to have dinner with Vienna.
She’s working, not as a mermaid, but she’s doing something else.
Her break won’t be for another hour, but we came now because I really needed it.
“Hey, I forgot my ChapStick in the car. I’ll be back. I won’t be long.”
“Okay. I’ll be here.”
I watch the jellyfish rhythmically and gracefully drift back and forth. I stare hard and long enough until my vision clouds and the colors inside the tank mesh together. But my brain doesn’t feel as muddled as my vision because my thoughts of Daniel come alive.
“I miss you,” I murmur.
“I missed you too.”
I cease in my spot, but my heart takes off at the familiar voice.
“Hi, Jos.”