Page 76 of Please Don’t Go (The Midnight Strike #1)

DANIEL

“I’m ready to go back.”

“You’re ready to tell me what you’ve been afraid to say?”

I nod, more sure of myself than I felt at the beginning of the month.

I’ve been talking to Jarvis, the university’s therapist, twice a week for almost a month now.

She’s a sweet, fifty-something-year-old that makes you want to share all your deepest and darkest secrets, but also doesn’t fuck around.

She’s patient and nice but immediately clocks my bullshit, which she calls masking.

Since we started our sessions, she’s asked me what I’m afraid of. At first, I said “nothing” but then I stayed quiet, scared to actually say it out loud. She never made me feel pressured to say it, but she said I couldn’t play until I gave her an answer. That was her and Coach D’Angelo’s ultimatum.

“I’m afraid of what will happen if I move on. Afraid to let myself be happy.”

I want to but then I feel guilty.

Jarvis has time and time again talked me through my guilt, reminding me it’s not my fault.

She has helped me find coping mechanisms for the panic attacks, my depression, and my anxiety.

But even though she helped me find ways to control what I’m going through, it was only doing so much to help me.

So she also prescribed medication because I’m struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder from witnessing Adrian drown.

I have a lot of issues that have been festering for years, and meditating and breathing alone weren’t going to help regulate them.

I didn’t want to at first, not because I thought there was anything wrong with it, but taking the medication was accepting what I’ve been trying to ignore. I knew I couldn’t do that anymore and I really want to get better.

It’s only been a month, and things haven’t magically changed. The weight of what I feel is still there, but it isn’t heavily weighing down on me like it did before.

We’ve also talked about my relationship with my dad and how we can work to establish a healthy connection.

Which has helped because I’ve been staying with my parents for a week and a few days, and while Dad and I aren’t best friends, things aren’t uncomfortable.

Jarvis tenderly smiles at me from the screen.

“That’s understandable but I want you to remember something, Danny.

You can move on, but that doesn’t mean you’ll forget Adrian or that you’re not deserving of what you’ve accomplished and achieved.

You deserve to be happy, so let yourself be happy.

Step outside the box, you’re allowed to do that. It’s okay to let go of it.”

I hadn’t realized I put myself in a box until I spoke with Jarvis.

I was unconsciously caging myself in, allowing that box to get smaller and smaller.

That’s until Josie happened. I unintentionally let her in, sharing and doing things with her that made me feel alive.

And in doing so, I subconsciously outgrew the box and needed to get out, because I not only liked the space, but I needed and wanted to make it for Josie.

But anytime I tried to get out of the box, the overwhelming guilt forced me back in.

And that led to everything crashing and me blacking out when I punched Bryson both times.

My lips lift slightly.

“Oh, you’re smiling? You want to share?”

That only makes them stretch wider. “You remember Josie?”

“The girl you’re constantly talking about? Yes, I remember her.”

Jarvis also happens to be a smart-ass.

“She said that to me too.” I press my lips together to stop them from trembling.

“She made me happy. I don’t feel like I deserve her, but she’s someone good.

Actually, she’s better than good. She’s amazing.

She’s dry and a little mean but…” I chuckle but Jarvis cracks a smile that makes it sound louder.

“I love it. I…” I quiet down. “I couldn’t remember what feeling alive was like until she came into my life. ”

“It’s never too late.”

“I don’t know if I can fix what I broke. I hurt her, Jarvis. I don’t know how she’ll want me back.”

“Why are you already setting yourself up for failure?”

“I-I’m not. I just?—”

“Unless you can predict the future, there is no reason why you can’t talk to her and communicate what you feel. You aren’t the same person you were a month ago.”

“You think so?”

“I know so. I believe in you, Danny. It’s time you start believing in yourself.”

“ Cómo te fue? ” Mom asks when I step into the kitchen after my session.

I stretch my arms over my head until I hear the muscles pop on my shoulders. I never knew talking about my feelings could be this exhausting.

“It was good. I told Jarvis I was ready to go back.”

Mom and Dad already knew about my plans to return. I talked to them about it yesterday after we had another lengthy chat about Adrian, baseball, and life. I never knew how badly I needed this—them—until I came home. But they’re not the only things I need.

She stops stirring what I think is caldo de pollo in a pot. “I’m going to miss you. You know we’re here for you. Anything you need, you call us and we’ll be over there.”

Dad steps into the kitchen, smiling at me. I’m still getting used to that, but I don’t feel as weird about it anymore. “You know, you can stay as long as you want and need. This will always be your home.”

“I know but I’m ready to go back. I miss the guys and playing.

And since I’ve filled out the MLB link, I have meetings and many other things to do.

” I submitted it a while ago, but after everything that happened, I never looked at my email until a few days ago.

“I also have a lot of homework to make up.”

“ Estamos bien orgullosos de ti. ” Dad’s lips widen.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done and continue doing. I wouldn’t be here without you.” I keep it short because Mom’s eyes are shining, and I just know she’s going to cry and then Dad might cry, and then I’ll stall and never leave.

“We’re your parents. You don’t need to thank us. Just keep doing your best.” Mom is standing in front of me. “Oh, and whenever you can, bring Josie to see the bakery.”

“We’re not…together.”

“Yet Daniel, yet . I didn’t raise you to be so negative.” She slaps my shoulder but then pulls me into a hug. “You want to eat before you leave?”

I glance at Dad who shakes his head, telling me it’s best if I shut up. He lives with her, so he has to put up with it, but I don’t.

“It’s seventy degrees, Mom. It’s too hot to eat that.”

She rolls her eyes. “One day you’re going to want my food, but you’ll be hours away.”

I laugh, hugging her tighter. “Yeah, just not caldo .”

The house goes dead silent when I step in. Shocked eyes land on me but in a flash, they’re radiating pure joy. Kai and Gray jump up from the couch, barreling toward me, but Angel stands in front of me, keeps his back to me, lifting his hand up to stop them.

“He just got back. Give him some space,” he orders but then turns and hugs me. “Did you drive by yourself? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? We could’ve driven to?—”

“I thought you said to give him space? You’re literally suffocating him. Move.” Gray jerks him off me and hugs me next, but a moment later, Kai is doing the same thing.

“Give him some fucking space.” Noah jerks them all back. He doesn’t hug or touch me but gives me a head nod. “Everyone’s been miserable without you.”

“You included?” I grin.

He grimaces. “No.”

“Oh, he missed you. He’s just, you know, being Noah.” Kai snorts.

Noah rolls his eyes. “Are you back for good, or are you still taking a break?”

“Yeah, I’m back for good. Uh…” I comb my fingers through my hair, hating the nervous tumble in my stomach. “I’m sorry you guys had to witness that. I’m sorry for putting you all through that. I didn’t mean?—”

“Apologize one more time and I’ll really fuck you up, Daniel. Then you’ll really be out for the rest of the season.” Gray punches my shoulder, but then draws me into another hug. “You don’t apologize. We all go through it, okay? I missed you, baby.”

“I missed you too,” I say before he lets go.

“You don’t need to apologize, but how are you feeling?” Angel asks. His warm, steady brown eyes hold mine with understanding.

“I’m okay, not fine, just okay.” I shift the weight of one foot from the other. I’ve never openly talked about my feelings to them. They saw me at my worst a few weeks ago, but I never told them how I was feeling. “I’m working through it.”

“If you need anything, anything at all, we’re here for you.” Kai gently squeezes my shoulder. “We’re seriously glad you’re back. Oh! You know who’s going to be happy you’re?—”

Angel cuts him off with a curt shake of his head. “Shut up.”

“What?” I ask, gaze bouncing between the two. “If you say Amanda, I swear I’m moving out.”

Because I have her blocked, I haven’t heard from her, and I hope it stays that way.

“No, it’s Jo?—”

“Shut up,” Angel says again.

My heart races and I restlessly drum my fingers against my thigh. “Let him talk. Who?”

Kai glances at Angel who shrugs and eventually nods. “Josie. She came the day you left. She wanted to see you.”

“She did?” My mind races with a million thoughts.

“Yeah, but you said it was best if you guys didn’t talk. I told her, oh fuck—did you not mean that?”

I wasn’t thinking. I was upset and I thought saying that out loud would help me, but it did the opposite.

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.” I sigh. “I need to go up to my room and set this down.” They part, giving me space to head up the stairs. The only one who follows me is Angel.

“I promise it’s okay. I’m not mad at you,” I tell him when we’re in my room. Boxes filled with my stuff are still scattered around. I don’t bother with them. I drop my duffle on the floor and sit on my bed. “I’m mad at myself. I wasn’t thinking. I was?—”

“It’s okay. She knows that.” He leans on the edge of my desk. “I talked to her.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I won’t say she’s doing one hundred percent okay. She kind of crashed out and I had to break into her house.”

“What?”

He proceeds to tell me everything and why he did what he did.

“I just wanted her to know you’d be back and things would be okay.

Though I’m not great at this stuff like you are.

I kind of told her we’re all mentally fucked up.

I can’t tell whether she found that insulting or helpful, but she didn’t punch me, and I think she smiled.

She’s really hard to read, but I think we’re cool. ”

I don’t know whether to laugh, hug him, or cry a little. “You did that for me?”

“For you. For her. Loneliness is a bitch. I thought about the cliff and…I really don’t know if I helped, but I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone.”

I shoot up. “Thank you for?—”

“Don’t thank me. I’m here for you—and for her, if she wants. She’s little Miss I’ll Fuck You Up If You Try To Help Me.”

I kind of smile. “Do you know what she was here for?”

“I don’t, but I did tell her to only show up if she isn’t going to walk away.” He pushes off the desk and pauses at the doorway. “She’s at the aquarium with Pen.”

“How do you know that?”

“Stop asking questions and go see her.”

I check my reflection on the window, making sure my hair isn’t out of place and I don’t have anything on my face. I had already checked in the mirror, but I’m a little anxious and need to do something with my hands.

My nerves are shot, my heart feels like it’s in my throat, and my stomach is fluttering incessantly.

“Danny…” Relief coats my sister’s voice. As I turn, she wraps her arms around me, squeezing the life out of me. “I’m so happy you’re back. How are you feeling?”

I texted her before coming to the aquarium to make sure they’re actually here. She asked if I wanted to wait until they left and Josie got home, but I can’t wait anymore. I need to see her.

I return it, making sure I don’t mess up the tulips I got for Josie. “I’m okay. I’m sorry about how short I was with you. I didn’t mean?—”

“It’s okay. I’m not mad. You did piss me off, but I guess I’ll give you a pass this time,”

“So I can keep letting you borrow money?” I teasingly say.

“Exactly. You know me so well.” I hear the smile in her voice.

I let go, eyeing the large building with trepidation.

“Don’t be nervous. The worst that’ll happen is that she’ll tell you she doesn’t like you.”

“Jesus Christ, Pen, you’re not helping.” I glare at her.

She laughs. “Relax. It’s going to be okay, I promise. She’s where the jellyfish are at.”

I nod, not answering because my tongue feels heavy. So I wave goodbye and make my way inside. It doesn’t take long for me to find the jellyfish exhibit. I blow out the breath I didn’t know I was holding when I spot her.

I don’t stagger or stall because I need to be close to her. There’s a deep, aching yearning in my bones and my cells, and every molecule inside my body that pulses, prays and craves to be next to her.

My vision tunnels, my brain shutting out everything around me except for the only person who matters.

She doesn’t notice or feel me standing behind her; she stays rooted in her spot like she’s zoned out.

“I miss you,” she quietly says to herself.

I resist the urge to pull her to me and stand next to her. “I missed you too.”

She goes unnaturally still, not turning to look at me.

“Hi, Jos.”

When she lifts her head and her eyes collide with mine, hot adrenaline shoots throughout my body. Everything in me is racing, but my mind is steadily in place. I’m not floating or barely holding on, I’m grounded and I’m not touching her.

Her lips part and eyebrows pull in, creating a deep crease between them. She takes two steps back and my heart drops.

I—

Josie throws herself against me, circling her arms around my shoulders. She clutches onto me like she’s afraid I’ll let go of her, but she’s sorely mistaken if she believes I’ll ever let that happen.