Page 42 of Playoff (Toronto Blaze #4)

I can’t say I’m sorry

Jess

The knot in my stomach eased when Alek agreed. I wasn’t sure he’d be willing to talk after the way I’d run out on him. I couldn’t blame him. But he followed, so I had a chance. Maybe a small one, but it was something. “We can go to my place.”

He stopped in his tracks. “Your place. Your place that you share with JJ.”

I nodded. “He knows the whole story.”

Alek glanced back at my brother who was talking to Cooper, deliberately avoiding any involvement in what I was doing. Justin knew and he was willing to go along, but he didn’t really approve. And that was okay. I didn’t need his approval.

Alek sighed before shrugging and accompanying me to the door. “Did you drive? I came with Fitch so I don’t have my vehicle.”

I’d come with JJ, but I always had his spare keys in my purse. We’d gone to the game together, where I’d sat with the rest of the PAC while JJ hung out in a box where he could avoid fans. “We can take JJ’s car.”

He stopped again. “Is he okay with that?”

“I’ll let him know. He can get a ride with Fitch or take an Uber.” I quickly texted him, then started walking down the street to the lot where we’d parked. Alek stayed with me, not speaking.

Traffic was a little busy—post-game celebrations—but it was still easy enough to get to our place. I couldn’t think of anything to say, beyond the speech I’d prepared, which I wasn’t going to start while navigating. Alek didn’t speak either.

I pulled into our slot, with the charger for the Ioniq. I drew in a long breath, screwing up my courage.

He broke the silence, his hand on the passenger seat handle. “Sure you want to do this?”

I nodded. “Absolutely.”

He sighed and got out of the car.

I slid out between the vehicle and the pillar on this side, maneuvering past the back bumper. I’d parked too close. The Ioniq was charged, so I headed for the elevator. Alek was quiet again. We’d never not been able to talk. My doubts returned in full force.

I made myself to speak in the elevator. “So, the team is in the playoffs.”

He nodded. “With your brother and Cooper out, it’s not looking so good.”

And JJ was out because he’d broken his hand on Alek’s helmet. Idiot . “At least you’ve been able to fill in for Ducky.” The team had been plagued by bad luck this season.

“He’s doing well. Started skating.”

Which meant Alek’s future was in jeopardy.

I was relieved when the doors slid open on my floor because I was sticking my foot in my mouth every time I spoke.

My hands were shaky as I twisted the key in the condo lock.

There was a lot riding on this conversation.

I went in first and led the way into the living space.

“Can I get you a drink?” I needed something to do with my hands while I bolstered my courage.

“No. Thanks.”

“Have a seat.” I waved at the living room.

The layout of our place was the same as Fitch’s condo, and they looked a lot alike.

Justin had furnished most of it before I arrived, and hockey players had similar priorities from what I’d seen.

Roomy and comfortable couch, a big TV, coffee table for remotes and beer.

“I’m good.” Alek stood stiffly, barely inside the living room.

“Okay, well, I’m going to sit.” My legs were a little shaky.

I dropped into the chair I normally claimed and looked up at him, his face blank, jaw set. He was dreading this. Because he wanted to be rid of me, or was he afraid I was going to hurt him?

“I shouldn’t have left the way I did the last time we were together.”

He shrugged. “The jig was up. JJ knew. And your grandmother died. You were obviously leaving.”

Long breath. “I didn’t have to take off like that—running out without speaking. We had at least become friends. I apologize. And no matter what had happened with us, Justin shouldn’t have hit you. But I can’t say I’m sorry he did.”

That got a reaction. Alek raised an eyebrow. “ You were pissed at me?”

I shook my head. “Not at all. But what he did? Started a whole chain of dominoes falling. Things that should have been dealt with years ago.”

He tilted his head.

“I didn’t get a chance to see or speak to Justin after he left your place that night, not until he showed up at our grandmother’s house to discuss her will with my parents. And by then he’d done a lot of thinking, and it changed things.”

His eyes were focused on my face, but his expression was still set, hiding his feelings.

“My parents were upset that Justin and I got the house and most of Grandma’s estate, and they blamed me. That’s nothing new. But Justin told them off. He’s never yelled at them before, and they were shocked.”

“Your brother’s shocking a lot of people these days.”

So true. “After what happened ten years ago, our family dynamic, which hadn’t been totally healthy before, was completely messed up. Justin bore the brunt of the financial challenges, and I protected him.”

His lips tightened. “Yeah, figured that out.”

I kept going. “After Justin yelled at Mom and Dad and they left, he apologized for taking advantage of me. We’d all taken advantage of him, since he supported the family those first years, but he found it easier to let me fight the family battles and be a buffer between him and the rest of the world.

It felt like the least I could do. And we just rolled along that way, until that night.

He hit you because he was afraid of losing me.

It was stupid and totally out of line, but crossing that line woke him up. ”

Alek shifted on his feet. I needed to move on before he got bored or left.

“I hadn’t realized how codependent the two of us became, but he told me that I needed to live my life for me, not to take care of him.

That if I wanted to be with someone, I should do that.

” I looked at my hands, twisting in my lap.

“He’s promised to stop wallowing, and I’ve promised to stop feeling guilty. ”

Now I had to dig deep for the really scary part.

“The reason I wanted to talk to you was because…” I swallowed. “I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to fuck this out of our systems. I want…”

“You want?” I couldn’t tell from his tone what he was thinking.

You. But that was pushing maybe too hard. “For us to date. Publicly, with a chance to have a relationship. To be a couple.”

The silence dragged on. I was afraid to look at Alek. Would I see pity? He wasn’t exactly rushing to agree to this. If he only wanted sex, not me… Well, me saying this would be a surprise. And not a good one. But I needed to know.

None of my relationships had ever gone very far, but this one I wanted to see all the way. It felt different. Real. What we had together had been more than sex. I liked Alek. I liked him a lot. But I wouldn’t admit to more till I knew where he stood.

“But you won’t even look at me?”

My eyes flew up when he spoke. His brow was furrowed, his gaze searching. He didn’t look like he was sorry for me or was trying to find a way to let me down gently. He wouldn’t be cruel, I knew, or I’d never have dared to ask him this. “I was afraid of what your face might show,” I admitted.

He kept his eyes on mine. “I thought you invited me up here to get ‘closure’ before telling me we were done and asking me to keep this whole thing between us quiet. I’m a little confused.”

I drew in a shaky breath. “Alek, would you go out with me?”

“You want to go out with me.” Again, I couldn’t read his tone.

I nodded.

“The guy your brother punched when he discovered we’d been together.”

“He won’t do it again.” I’d made him promise.

Alek wasn’t done. “After my parents stole everything from yours.”

I nodded again, finding it difficult to make words. I hadn’t mentioned anything to my parents, but this would upset them. Worth it, but it depended on whether Alek was on board.

A laugh escaped him and my hopes nose-dived. “This is a stupid idea. There are so many reasons against it.”

He was right. I’d wanted to anyhow.

“So why the fuck not?”

My mouth dropped open. “Seriously? You’re saying yes?”

He cocked his head. “Don’t you want me to?”

“I do. Definitely. But I’d braced myself for a no.”

“I should say no. It’s incredibly stupid for us to even try. With our families’ history, you should hate me, not date me. But, well…” He shrugged.

It wasn’t exactly a declaration of undying love and whirling me in a circle while we exchanged passionate kisses.

He was holding back, not sure of me. Of us.

He had his own issues with trust and people leaving, and what I’d done that night had made it worse.

He was right—on paper we didn’t work. This could be the biggest mistake of my life. But I was ready to try anyway.

I stood up. My knees were wobbly, but it didn’t show through my jeans. “I don’t care about what your parents did, or that my twin works with you. I want you. I want us. What do you want?”

He stared at me for a moment before the corner of his mouth quirked up, just slightly. “If we do this, we’re doing everything.”

“That’s exactly what I want. Everything, with you.”

Alek finally moved, coming forward, putting a finger under my chin. “Then let’s do it, Trouble.”

I reached up to kiss him. His hand slid to the back of my neck and he pulled me close.

This kiss was slow and gentle, bridging the hurts of the past few days and making promises for the future.

It didn’t take long before it became hotter, more demanding.

I could feel his erection as we pushed past promises and hit lust territory.

I broke away and grabbed his hand. “My room is this way.”

He narrowed his eyes. “You sure? What about JJ?”

I gave him a big grin. “As long as you don’t ask him for a selfie in the morning.”