Page 37 of Playoff (Toronto Blaze #4)

Something more than orgasms

Jess

I hadn’t been able to catch Justin after he ran out of Alek’s condo. I was barefoot and not dressed, so I had to remedy that before I searched for him. He wasn’t at our place, unsurprisingly, and he didn’t answer his phone. He’d turned off location tracking as well, which I should have done.

Damn it, Justin . He had to stop shutting down when something happened. We needed to talk! If there was any way to keep this quiet and make sure it didn’t mess up the team, I wanted to go that route. I didn’t know if there was anything I could do or say to mend our relationship though.

I hadn’t reached out to Cooper or Callie to ask if they’d seen or heard from him.

If he walked it off and came back to our place, we could salvage things.

I hoped. Messing up the team this close to the playoffs would be unforgivable, and Justin wouldn’t want to do that.

Not when he thought it over. I needed to find him.

Justify it the best I could, and promise it was over.

Because it was. Knowing Alek, he’d shut down too after I left him. He’d been left too many times. I was on my own.

I’d put on a jacket and shoes and searched the neighborhood around our building but didn’t see my twin.

Finally I went back to the condo to wait for him.

I fell asleep on the couch, and when I woke up the place was just as empty as before.

I checked Justin’s room, but there was no sign that he’d been there.

Where had he gone? I tried to call him again. No answer.

I was pissed at him for cutting me off. I understood that, yeah, he was upset with me, but Grandma had just died. I needed him, and he needed me too. No one understood how much she’d done for us except Justin. Who else could I grieve with, remember with, and prepare to face up to my parents with?

I struggled off the couch and set up the coffeemaker, showering while it brewed.

I sat with my phone, ready to make plans.

I ignored notifications from our parents until I had an idea what I was doing.

When a message popped up on my phone for a plane ticket to Vancouver, I finally relaxed.

Justin had arranged that flight, which meant we had five hours together on the way to BC.

I could get through to him. We’d have enough privacy to talk, but it was public enough that he couldn’t storm off.

I messaged work, requesting compassionate leave. I still had vacation days as well in case I needed extra time. I packed for both of us and made lists of things I had to do until my ride showed up to take me to the airport. Justin never showed.

Was he so upset he wouldn’t come to BC with me? No, he had to. This was Grandma! But when I checked in, I was traveling alone. I couldn’t refuse the flight—I was needed in BC. Justin must have booked a different airline, or time. Chicken.

I sent him an emoji of a chicken and he didn’t respond to that message either.

I got an acknowledgment back from work. I responded that I needed to be gone for at least a week.

I was the executor of Grandma’s will and had to get some things in motion while I was out there.

There wasn’t too much; Grandma had arranged everything for her memorial service when she knew her mental powers were slipping.

She’d done all she could, facing that bleak future head on, but someone still had to oversee. And that someone was me.

My boss asked if that much time was necessary. What? He mentioned that Mrs. Garvin’s son had moved his account from the firm, which I hadn’t been told. Since this was just my grandparent, not parent, being gone for this long cast doubt on my commitment to the firm.

My fists clenched. I’d been committed there for five years.

I had client turnover, since I mostly dealt with older investors who were nearing the end of their lives, but they trusted me.

I couldn’t remember a single one of those clients changing investors because they weren’t happy with how I worked for them.

The firm might promote a particular investment that promised great returns and commissions, but I put my clients’ needs first. I couldn’t live with myself if all I did was push investments so the firm made money.

I really wanted to send back a snippy email, but I made myself close the phone and put it on airplane mode.

I could deal with that when I was in a better state of mind.

There was too much time on the plane to think. I let my head drop against the headrest, thoughts whirling in my brain. Grandma. Justin. Mom and Dad. Work. Alek.

I’d had a split second to decide what to do last night, and I’d done what I always did: I took care of Justin.

It wasn’t like this thing with Alek was going anywhere.

He wasn’t staying in Toronto, and every time we got together we said it was the last time.

So, this time was the last time. And that hit hard.

Despite our rationalizing, this had become something more than a casual affair. I wasn’t an idiot. At least not totally. The fact that we never did stop when we said we would was a big clue. But I’d thought that the extra-ness came from the sneaking around, the whole forbidden fruit thing.

But was it? I’d been wanting to talk to Alek since I’d left his condo, desperate to hear from him. But what would I say?

Maybe, if it had been something real, I could have talked to Justin.

Explained that despite the family history, and that Alek was his teammate—only for a little while longer—this was something I wanted.

Needed. Maybe Justin wouldn’t lock himself away again if I could convince him that Alek and I had something special.

But no. The look on my twin’s face? That wasn’t going to happen.

And how could I be another person who let Justin down?

Instead, I was another person who let Alek down. Damn it.

Alek would always remind Justin of the worst things he’d been through, and I hated that I’d brought that all up again. As if the Denbrowskis had taken me from him too. He’d lost Mia, college, attention from our parents…all to save the family. I owed him. I knew that. But something had to change.

Part of what was so appealing about the time I spent with Alek was that I didn’t have to be me. Not “Jessica, the responsible one taking care of everyone else.” And that showed me there was a lot about my life I didn’t enjoy.

I wouldn’t leave Justin while he needed me. But I needed some joy in my life beyond my book clubs and the PAC.

The email from work pushed forward in my head. It was irritating, frustrating. And honestly, a lot of my job was like that. Maybe I could find a new job, somewhere my care for clients would be appreciated.

Scary thought. But I had Justin as a buffer. Since he owned the condo, I only paid utilities and food costs. I had savings. I could take some time, look around, find something more interesting. Maybe go back to school?

No, that wasn’t practical. What else was I going to study that would keep me self-sufficient? I had my book club to scratch the literature itch. But I would definitely consider changing jobs. After I was back in Toronto.

I opened my laptop to review Grandma’s will as a distraction.

It would be a shock to my parents. She’d changed it after I moved to Toronto, since the previous one had been written before Mom and Dad lost their money.

There was going to be a lot of confrontation ahead, but I’d told Grandma I could handle it.

When I’d said that, I thought I’d have Justin supporting me.

It was my fault I was alone. I knew what it would do to Justin to find out about me and Alek, and I’d kept going back to him anyway.

Alek, who somehow coaxed out that part of me that I’d had to pack away.

And we talked…shared things. There was a connection there.

Something more than orgasms. I pushed away those thoughts and the heavy weight of dread to review, again, just what Grandma had wanted done for her service and with her possessions after she died.

I would be busy after I landed. Thankfully.

Once we were on the ground, I grabbed my bag and Justin’s from the luggage carousel and went to the car rental. I had been able to set up a meeting with the director of the funeral home in PoCo before I left. I drove straight there.

“My deepest sympathies, Ms. Johnson.” He held my hand for a few extra moments. “Your grandmother was a wonderful woman, and her absence will be a loss to everyone who knew her.”

I was sure he said something similar to every client, but he managed to sound sincere and not overbearing.

“She left a very precise list of instructions, and you have her power of attorney so there shouldn’t be any difficulties. But let’s double-check to make sure this event goes exactly as she wished.” He led me to his office, where a hard copy of her file was on his desk.

We reviewed everything and discussed any potential problems. She’d prepaid, but the costs of things like catering had increased, so I covered those, collecting the receipt to apply against the estate.

It seemed a little penny-pinching, but the proceeds were coming to Justin and me, so it was mostly keeping the records in order.

Mom and Dad were likely to challenge her will.

I sighed internally. “Thank you for your assistance. I’ll be in touch if I have any questions.”

“Please do. This is a very difficult time.” It was like he knew my parents.

With everything set in motion, I drove to a hotel I’d booked.

It wasn’t far from Grandma’s house, but I didn’t want to stay at the house on my own.

I didn’t want to be surrounded in those memories, not just yet.

I’d spend my remaining vacation time this summer going through things.

I hoped Justin would help. If he was speaking to me.

Once I’d settled in the room, showering and hanging up the dress I’d brought for the service, it was time to figure out dinner.

It wasn’t my usual time to eat, but I hadn’t touched anything on the plane.

I picked up my phone, only to realize I’d left it on airplane mode.

I hadn’t needed the GPS since this was where I’d grown up and I knew my way around. And if Justin hadn’t reached out…

I both wanted and dreaded hearing from Alek.

There were no messages from either of them, and my shoulders dropped. Shit . My parents had questions. I messaged that the service was the day after tomorrow, and I’d talk to them tomorrow at Grandma’s house.

Then I responded to the messages from my PAC members. Katie promised to fly out to help me if needed. Jayna and Callie asked if they should send flowers or make donations. I was sent all the virtual hugs I could handle and offers to talk anytime. As well as promises that JJ wasn’t too badly hurt?—

What the hell? What had happened? And why hadn’t he called me?

I googled his name then scrolled through the headlines, trying to understand the truth among all the speculation as to motive and who did what first. Justin had been placed on IR. He’d broken several bones in his right hand. And he’d done it punching Alek.

I dropped on the bed, almost letting the phone slide to the floor.

I knew JJ was upset and he hadn’t talked to me, but to resort to violence at team practice?

Justin never fought. He didn’t lose his temper unless he was really provoked.

I could count on my hands the number of times that had happened.

I rubbed my face. This was bad. And it was on me.

He’d always been quiet and self-contained. But now he hid everything, even from me.

I’d moved to Toronto, at Grandma’s urging, to help him recover from the Sharleen disaster and provide him the support he’d been missing in New York.

I thought I’d been doing the right thing.

But maybe if he’d been on his own, he’d have been forced to reach out to other people.

Maybe the support I’d been providing became a retreat, letting him avoid building a life for himself. Maybe I was making it worse for him.

I was no longer interested in going out to eat something.

I’d order room service and huddle in the bed, mourning the loss of the person who’d cared for me the best, and the person I’d been growing to care for enough to risk everything else.

And possibly, of having hurt my twin, my closest person, in more ways than I’d ever realized.