Page 32

CHAPTER 32

JACE

I wasn’t sure I’d ever walk steady again. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

I thought I was experienced when it came to sex, but it turned out, I didn’t know anything. All my smooth moves vanished around Axel. We were as real, insatiable, and messy as it could get. No holds barred. We fucked the way we played—all in.

And what made it even better? My heart was all in, too.

And because of that, I had to protect him. From me, as it turned out.

“Don’t you want to think about this a bit more?” I replied when the shock of Axel’s statement wore off. I reached down and picked up the soap. What was left of it. “You should only come out when you’re ready. It’s going to be a lot.”

Axel pulled me into his arms, his wet, slick chest bumping mine.

“I told you, I can handle it,” he replied and gave me a long kiss.

“I know,” I whispered. “But you don’t need to come out for us to be together. I’m not going to pressure you. And trust me when I say it’s easier said than done. Everything is going to change. And not everyone is going to like the fact that you’re queer. Are you ready for that? The stares and comments when you hold my hand in public? The trolls on social media?”

“I think I am,” Axel replied. “Yes. If I can deal with the sharks back in Redgewick, I can deal with this.”

“This is different, Ax. And there’s hockey to consider, your future, going pro. You know how insular the hockey world is. And queer players still aren’t well-represented.”

“Things are changing. And it’s your future too.”

I nodded. “I know, but I’ve talked to my therapist about it, so I feel like I’m prepared. Or, as prepared as I can be. But this is all new for you. You need to consider how coming out will affect your entire life; not just hockey but most importantly, your mental health. You’ve gotta protect that.”

“I’m dealing with my depression. And I know what I want.” Axel let out a frustrated growl. “And I want us, you and me, more than I want to protect myself.”

“I want us too,” I offered, cupping his neck, needing to reassure him. “But I don’t want you to have regrets.”

“You’re afraid I’m going to change my mind and deny everything,” he stated, his body rigid. “That’s what you’re really worried about.”

The thought made me feel sick, but yes, the fear was there. That Axel was going to wake up tomorrow and say fuck this, I don’t need you.

“Going out with a woman would be a lot easier,” I said quietly.

“Right back at you,” he bit out as his grip on me tightened. “If I wanted easy, I wouldn’t play hockey. Or sit through class or figure out a means to get away from my screwed-up family. Easy is bullshit. I’m not walking away from you.”

Every word hit me deep in my chest and warmed me like his touch.

“Jace, I’m not walking away,” he repeated, his dark blues imploring.

“I’m not either,” I whispered and leaned in to seal our promise with a kiss.

I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. But, win or lose, I always played my heart out.

“Who I date is my business, mine, and I protect what’s mine,” Axel insisted.

“We’re dating?” I quipped, hoping to lighten the mood.

He pinched my ass, and I squeaked.

“Fucking right we’re dating,” Axel grumbled, and I couldn’t resist kissing his pout. “And don’t try and distract me with your sexy kisses.”

I smiled against his lips.

“So, as my official boyfriend, what kind of dates are you planning?” I asked.

His hands slid down my back to cup my ass. “Well, prior to the first date, I’m going to buy a jersey with my name and number on it so you can wear it every day. That way there’s no question about who you belong to.”

“Every day?”

Axel leaned forward, and playfully nipped my lips. “Every. Single. Day.”

“And?”

“I’ll pick you up next Friday evening and we’ll walk across campus holding hands. There will be dinner and a movie, or maybe we’ll go skating at the outdoor rink. After that, we’ll go to Ethan’s frat party and make out where everyone can see us.”

“So, if the jersey doesn’t tell everyone what’s what, our lips will,” I added.

“Exactly,” he growled and kissed me, longer, deeper. “You’re mine and that’s final.”

“And then?”

“Then we’ll go back to my room and fuck until we break the bed.”

I chuckled at his matter-of-fact tone. “That sounds like quite a date.”

“It’s romantic as hell,” Axel insisted. “Or, as romantic as a hockey player can get.”

“As long as I can touch your stick, I’ll be happy.”

“You and me both, Honey.”

We woke up at six the next morning, an hour earlier than we had to, so we could have morning sex and then shower before meeting the rest of the team for breakfast. Axel snuck out of my room first, and I followed a good ten minutes after him just in case.

Thankfully, I’d packed a turtleneck sweater to hide my hickeys.

But, apparently, there was no hiding my sex-drunk expression from Dane. My friend took one look at me in the hotel dining room and said, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

Axel and I had talked late into the night. He wanted to tell Coach and then the rest of the team now. I still thought he was rushing things. Until he showed me his phone and the jersey he was ordering for me with his name on it. Once Axel made his mind up about something, that was it. He was stubborn as hell and there was no changing.

Well, he’d changed his tune about me. And I couldn’t really hold the past against him. Preston had lied to him too.

Speaking of my ex, I checked my phone. There was still no word about Preston, and it made me restless. I was dreading the idea of Axel being in touch with him again. Would Axel tell him that we were together? Would Preston convince Ax that I wasn’t worth it?

We were finishing up breakfast and my urge to run to the bathroom reared up.

You can’t control what other people say or do. You can only control your reaction.

Taking a slow sip of water, I repeated that mantra in my head until I talked myself out of making a run for it. I was feeling calmer.

Until the sharp ringtone of Axel’s phone broke our team chatter.

“It’s, uh, family stuff,” Axel said to Coach, who nodded.

Axel excused himself from the table and I stared at him as he walked off, his posture stiff, and his voice low as he answered his phone.

“Everything okay?” Dane nudged me.

“I think so.” I turned to my friend and whispered. “Sort of. We got word yesterday that Preston was arrested.”

“Oh my God, for what?”

“Don’t know yet. Axel’s parents just said he’d been arrested, and nothing else. We tried searching in the news, but nada.”

“What about?—”

Dane’s comment was interrupted by a sound I’d never heard before.

Coach was laughing.

Everyone at the table turned to stare at him, me included.

Banning never laughed. Like, ever. Occasionally, after a win, he’d smile but even that was rare. What had I missed?

“Dane.” I leaned in and whispered. “I know I had a lot of sex last night and not enough sleep, so maybe it’s my imagination, but did Banning just laugh?”

“He did.”

Dane sounded as awed as I was at this turn of events.

“What?” Banning’s smile turned to a glare as he looked around the table.

And just like that, things were back to normal.

“What’s so funny, Coach?” Ethan outright asked, because, of course he did.

“Ask Silas,” Banning returned and motioned for the server.

“Come on, Moss, spill,” Ethan urged Silas.

“It was nothing,” Silas insisted, ignoring our interested stares and reaching for his glass of juice.

“You can’t make Coach laugh and not tell us the secret,” Ethan replied.

Silas gave an enigmatic smirk and shook his head.

“It’s no secret and it wasn’t even a joke.” Silas took a sip of his drink. “He told me that I was the oldest player he’d ever coached, and I told him he was the oldest coach I’d ever played for.”

Everyone laughed and Ethan leaned forward. “You two geezers have to stick together, right?”

Oh shit.

Coach pointed at Ethan. “Since you’re so young and full of energy, Walker, you can enjoy an extra hour of drills this week.”

Everyone chuckled as Ethan smacked his forehead and groaned.

“I was kidding, Coach, I swear,” Ethan insisted. “Unlike Moss, I can make a joke.”

Silas gave Ethan his middle finger but pulled it back when he caught Coach’s scowl.

“Save your shenanigans for the bus ride home,” Coach warned as he paid the bill. “Speaking of which, we leave in ten.”

We filed out of the dining room five minutes later and I headed for the bus. Axel was already seated, and I plunked down beside him.

“Hey.” I tried to act casual but failed.

He reached for my hand and pulled it onto his thigh. That wasn’t casual at all.

“That call was from Preston’s father.”

“And?”

“He was arrested for assault,” Axel admitted. “There’s also a restraining order against him.”

“Oh my God.”

I sounded surprised but I wasn’t.

“Yeah,” Axel whispered. “Apparently the charges were filed by a guy Preston was seeing. A fellow acting student.”

My stomach churned hard, and I pulled my hand back, slapping it over my mouth. My breakfast was about to make its way back up.

“Shit, are you okay?” Axel asked as I sat there, trembling.

I thought I’d dealt with Preston and the past, but apparently, I still had some unresolved trauma.

“I don’t…I don’t know.”

I bent forward and cupped my hands over my mouth, taking several deep breaths.

In and out, in and out.

Axel rubbed my back in soothing circles and suddenly, Dane appeared in the aisle next to us.

“Bud, are you okay?” Dane asked.

“We just found out that Preston was arrested for assault,” Axel explained as he continued to hold onto me.

“Fuck,” Dane muttered.

“Yeah.”

Then it wasn’t just Dane, but Coach who walked up to us.

“What’s going on?” Banning asked. “Jace, are you alright?”

“Not really. Someone that both Jace and I know got arrested,” Axel replied since I was still too numb to speak.

“I’m so sorry,” Coach replied. “Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about it?”

“He’s my ex, so I’d rather not,” I quietly admitted.

I looked up to find Coach offering a sympathetic look.

“Well, we’re leaving for home shortly. When we get back to Sutton, maybe reach out to one of the counselors?”

“I’ll do that.”

I’d message my therapist for sure.

“In the meantime, I’m around if you need to chat.”

“Thanks, Coach.”

Coach gave a brief nod and headed to the front of the bus. Dane took the seat across from us. I leaned back and closed my eyes, trying to stay calm. I heard footsteps and chatter as the rest of our teammates boarded, but I pretended I was sleeping.

A few minutes later, I felt the bus move as we rolled out of Albany.

Axel didn’t push me to talk. He gripped my knee for a moment, squeezing, and then let go. But I could still feel the warmth of his body as he leaned up close against me, his right thigh and shoulder touching my left. Just knowing that he was there if I needed him gave me a comfort that I didn’t expect. One that had me wanting to do the same for him.

With my eyes still closed, I tentatively reached out my hand, resting it on Axel’s thigh.

Would anyone notice? Would anyone care?

When Axel interlocked his hand with mine, I had my answer.

The only one who mattered was him.