Page 64 of Perfectly Us

This is usually where he tells me to leave and close the door.

“Hey, Dad?” I step farther into the room. “Ruben invited me camping on Sunday. Is it cool if I go?”

“Where at?”

“The campground by the lake.”

“Just for one night?” he asks.

“I think so.”

“Okay.” He goes back to reading.

I look at the framed picture on his wall of me and Clay. We’re in matching red-and-white jerseys, his dirty from the football game he just played, and mine has a mustard stain from the hot dog I ate while watching him. Our smiles are huge.

My vision blurs as I remember that night. I remember the smells in the air of popcorn and burgers and the noise of the cheering crowd as our team ran in for a touchdown. The announcer’s voice rang out, calling my brother’s name. He was the one to score for us.

So many things I remember… but Clay’s voice isn’t as clear. It’s a little muffled each time I try to recall it. If it wasn’t for the videos I took on my phone of us goofing around, I don’t think I’d remember it all.

“I was so proud of him that night,” Dad says.

I snap my head toward him, a tear rolling down my cheek. I quickly wipe at my face. He doesn’t talk about Clay much. None of us do. We should though. Clay deserves to be remembered.

“Me too.”

“I have work to do,” he says, his expression hardening as he drops his gaze back to the stack of papers. “Close the door, will you?”

I step out of the room and shut the door behind me without a word to him. There are moments when Dad shows a softer side, when he acts like he actually cares about me, but they never last long.

I strip down to my boxers and crawl into bed with my phone. I scroll Facebook for a while and comment on friends’ posts. Shiloh posted a picture of his car after he washed it, and I drool as I like the photo and comment with a few hearts.

He replies to my heart comments with a laugh emoji. I get a text seconds later.

Shiloh:I think you only like me for my car.

Me:Your car can’t kiss me like you do hehe

Shiloh:True. Is it weird I’m sorta nervous about camping this weekend?

Me:No. Tbh, I’m a little nervous too.

It’s easier to admit that through text.

Shiloh:Why? Because of me?

Me:Yeah. I might hump you in my sleep ;)

Shiloh:lol I’ll barricade myself in my sleeping bag and put a ‘no touchy’ sign on top.

Me:Like that could stop me muhahaha

Shiloh:Hands off, you fiend.

I’m glad he knows I was joking. The real reason I’m nervous? What if somethingdoeshappen between us? I get butterflies just thinking about it. Because Shiloh’s different than any guy I’ve ever met. I don’t want to do anything that might fuck up what we have.

Plus, he might be asexual. And while I read that some asexual people still have sex and enjoy it, I don’t want him doing it just because he thinks it’ll make me happy.

Me:I hope you know I’m not expecting us to hook up. I don’t want you to feel pressured into doing anything just bcuz we’re sleeping in the same tent.