Page 44 of Perfectly Us

Me:I want to! :) kinda hot today so Ruben and I are goin to the swimming hole. Wanna come???

Shiloh:Swimming hole?

Me:Yep! It’s out in the boonies, but the water’s fucking gorgeous and it’s more secluded.

Shiloh:Sure.Can I stay by the shore though? I don’t like being in the middle of the lake.

Oh yeah. He said before that deep water scares him.

Me:That’s fine! We’ll swim close enough to land where your feet can still touch the bottom. Speaking of bottoms, you’ll get to see me in my skimpy little bathing suit. You should be excited :p

Shiloh:lol thanks, I guess?

Grinning, I put my socks and shoes back on before walking toward the house. Dad’s off work today and is sitting on the porch steps, nursing a beer. He usually works throughout the week and is on call on Saturday and Sunday, but he took a personal day.

My smile instantly vanishes as his hard gaze lands on me.

“Where are you off to?” he asks before taking a pull from his bottle.

“Going swimming with some friends.”

“Who?”

“Ruben and his girlfriend. Some other people from school. Shiloh too.”

“I looked up that Shiloh kid.”

“Why?” I ask, irritated. “You had no right to pry into his life.”

“I had every right. I wanted to know who you’ve been spending your time with.” Dad sets his beer down. “No police record, so that’s good. His dad’s a dentist. No mom in the picture.”

“Awesome. You know his life story. Congrats.”

“I’m not finished. That kid has some major issues, Alex. I don’t think it’s good for you to hang out with him.”

My insides boil, and my hands start to shake. Dad rarely says two words to me. And now he’s suddenly concerned? Bullshit. “You might’ve found information on him, but you don’t know him. Not like I do. He’s already told me about what happened last year. He’s doing better.”

“I just don’t think it’s good for you to be around someone who tried to kill himself.”

I’m about to snap at him when his expression gives me pause. Shadows swim in his eyes, and he looks so damn tired. Worried.

And I know why.

Images of a closed casket drift through my head, the black coffin shiny despite the cloudy day. There hadn’t been a wake before the funeral. No viewing for the family. In a way, I’m thankful for that. I didn’t want to see him like that. Lifeless. Cold. But not being able to properly say goodbye? It still eats at me.

“I’m not Clay, Dad,” I say, my voice cracking. “I’m not going to off myself.”

Dad flinches at my words and grabs his beer, taking a long pull from the bottle. Two empty bottles sit beside him, and I know it’s only the beginning of his binge. He does this every year on June sixteenth. Takes a personal day and drinks himself into a stupor so he can be numb for a while. It’s the day all of our lives changed. Three years later and it still hurts.

I’m better at hiding it though.

I evolved. Learned to lock it all away.

As I head into the house and jog up the stairs to my room, I get a text.

Ruben:I’m bringing a cooler of beer, and Mom hooked us up with a shit ton of food. Are you doing okay?

Tears pool in my eyes, and I sit on my bed.