Page 47

Vivienne

Looking at the pile of clothes laid out on my bed, I feel every bit the chaos monster I look like. My hair is still in heatless curlers and under-eye masks are perched high on my cheek bones--but there's a good reason.

My annual spiral is starting.

It's like this every year before I go home, but I've decided it's time that I finally put the past behind me and talk to my parents. I thought what I was doing was working because I'm successful and content. But spending time with Xavier has shown me that running from this has actually kept me from moving on at all.

It's kept me at arm's length from anyone but Tenley and Harlowe. My work is fulfilling, but beyond that there's been nothing meaningful in my life. And that's not a life I'm satisfied with anymore.

But before I can overcome my past I need to pack this damn suitcase and I suddenly hate everything I own.

My phone, which is propped up on my shelf playing music, rings through with a FaceTime request. Harlowe's face pops up and I quickly answer it.

"You're falling apart already, aren't you?"

"Can you blame me? Look at this mess." I flip the camera and pan over the bed. "I can't wear any of this to HarvestFest."

"I mean you could," she says slowly.

Flipping the camera back to my face, I let her see my eye roll so she knows how much I hate her point. "This is my armor. I need to feel good and none of this is going to do that."

"Babe. You are your own armor. But I get it, I know how much coming home stresses you out. So how about this . . . I'll pick you up from the airport as planned but we make an afternoon out of it, grab drinks, and find something that makes that ass look even better than it already does before we take you back to the promised land."

"Yeah?"

"Of course. I took four days off to spend time with you. Did you think I was going to dump you on the doorstep and disappear?"

"I mean . . . you're staying with me . . . so no. But this is why you're my person. I love you, Harlowe Jean, say you'll marry me."

"And how would that make Ginger Daddy feel if I stole you away for our own happily ever after?"

No one can pick me up when I'm down like Harlowe. "First, my happily ever after was always going to include you. Second, a situationship is a long way from getting a happily ever after together.."

"Fun Fact: you don't blink when you lie."

This is the problem with a best friend that knows you better than anyone else: they call you on all your bullshit. "Maybe I'm lying about the first part," I deflect--or try to. It works about as well as I'd expect.

Harlowe tips her head back and laughs. "Fat fucking chance. You're so stuck with me. I'd stalk you if you tried to cut me out."

"Don't tempt me with a good time."

There's a mock gasp from her. "I didn't know you had a primal kink. Are you going to make Xavier chase you through the Rockies? Oh, is that on your list?"

"No. That sounds exhausting," I tell her honestly. "The only cardio I'm interested in is riding--him or my stationary bike, but mostly him."

"Now, see, that time you blinked."

I hum. "I'll never lie about how good it is with him."

"You hear yourself, right?" My friend smiles knowingly from where she's sprawled across her worn couch.

"Yes, and it's so fucking confusing. The things that come out of my mouth and the things inside . . ." I wrap my knuckles on the side of my head. "It's normally such a good brain, and I'm so proud of it, but lately it's been betraying me."

"Is it? Or is it telling you things that scare you, like maybe you need to stop pretending that you don't really like this guy?"

"I do really like him. And it's giving me the scaries because I didn't expect this when we agreed to our rules. So I need you to help me finish packing because I want to head over to see him before I leave." I riffle through the pile until I find the lingerie set I bought for tonight. "Can we save the blatant honesty until after I've talked to him and tell me how hot I'm going to look in this?"

"Holy shit." She blinks dramatically. "He's going to lose his ever-loving mind."

"There's one thing left on the list from early on that he's been dying to cross off. That felt like it deserved a little something special."

"And what happens after the list is done," she asks carefully.

The words choke me, forcing me to reach for my water before I can get them out. "I don't know, but I think that's why coming home this year is so hard. I want good things, and he is the very best."

"It sounds like you already have good things. All you have to do is hold on to them."

Is it really that simple? Do I get to just keep him after all? If I can get through this week at home could they be mine for real. I'm suddenly overwhelmed by that possibility because I've told myself I couldn't have this for so long, that being on my own was protecting myself. But I know now that wasn't true.

"I love you," I say, tears clawing at my throat.

"I love you too, babe."