Page 13

Xavier

The only sounds filling the dark nursery are the soft gliding of the chair and the gentle sucking as Holland drinks her three a.m. bottle. That, and the noise in my head--the thoughts that started after the gala and have only gotten louder since.

Vivi's a puzzle and I've spent five nights trying to piece her together. She's breathtakingly beautiful, willfully strong, stubborn as hell, and kindhearted in a way that makes everyone she meets want to be better. And she's brilliant. I saw it firsthand during her speech and after in the way she could connect with anyone and everyone.

But then, there's that conversation at the table. That admission she made to the girls about her mediocre experiences with men. I can't wrap my head around it. Vivi Cardoza--a woman any man would be lucky to have--hasn't had a single, memorable, sexual encounter? It's a fucking crime.

And my cock is more than willing to be the one to change that.

But that's where we hit a wall. My priorities are clear. It's Holland--always Holland. No matter how much I want Vivi, no matter how badly I want to be the one to show her what she's been missing, I won't put anyone ahead of my daughter.

Until I get a handle on being a single parent, my dick can wait. But that's where things get uncomfortable because it means someone else is going to take the job from me. My body riots at that thought, like it goes against every fiber of my being.

"It's really a fuc--freaking problem," I whisper into the darkness. The only thing I can come up with to explain why that bothers me, is that Vivi brings out the parts of me that have been dormant since Holland was born.

For a few hours with her, I let my guard down and wasn't just Holland's dad. Dancing with her, earning her laugh--it brought back the playful side I feared was gone.

But somehow, Vivi and the flimsy truce we formed seem to be the missing piece to that puzzle.

This is a riddle better solved when I'm fully awake.

Tenley's been here every day since the gala, helping with Holland while I'm at practice or games. We're still finding our routine, but it's incredible how much the extra help has improved things. I'm not on the edge of drowning anymore. Now, when I leave, I can breathe easy knowing Holland is being cared for the way she deserves.

The sucking noise I've been surrounded by stops and I look down to find the bottle empty. Propping Holland against my shoulder, I pat her back until I get a good burp out of her.

"That's my girl," I whisper, my voice raspy. "Back to bed, áine." I settle her on her back, swaddling her tightly, the way she likes, before I drag myself back to my room.

I've barely fallen asleep when my alarm goes off a few hours later. Pulling the monitor from the nightstand I see Holland still sound asleep. After throwing on a pair of shorts, I head to the kitchen and grab the premade smoothie I thawed last night. Tenley researched how to make them ahead of time so my mornings are easier and she's been keeping my freezer stocked. With the drink in hand I head downstairs for a quick workout.

I keep it light since we play this afternoon, checking the monitor between sets. I'm almost done with my last set when Holland starts fussing, ending my workout.

With Holland happily strapped to my chest, I pop my breakfast in the microwave, making her bottle as she sucks contentedly on her pacifier.

When the timer goes off, I bring our meals to the living room. Unstrapping her from the carrier, I settle next to the rocker, my breakfast burrito on the coffee table. Pre-making food I can eat with one hand has been the key to success in the morning.

"Teamwork makes the dream work, right, baby girl?" At first, talking to her felt ridiculous, but now it's better than the lonely silence when I don't.

It's not long before she's finished her bottle and I'm pushing off the floor to take our dishes to the kitchen. I glance over at her before grabbing the notebook Tenley brought on her second day.

She sat me down and said, "Communication is a vibe, Xav, and I need you to get it together." Then she showed me how to log Holland's bottles and diapers to keep her on a consistent schedule between the two of us. The parenting books taught me the basics, but my new nanny's methods are practical for keeping us organized.

Basically, this notebook is my new best friend.

Another thing I've learned is that the bouncer Poppy and Hendrix got me is a godsend. Bringing it to the bathroom when I shower has been the best parenting advice so far.

I'm realizing that accepting help, even when it's uncomfortable, doesn't make me a failure.

Fresh from my shower, I walk into the living room, shirt flung over my shoulder and Holland in my arms to find Tenley walking through the door.

"Are you ready, my little starlight? You're going to help me write an essay for my advisor while your dad beats the Roadrunners into the ground," she singsongs as she takes Holland from me. "And tell your dad to wear a shirt, his nipples make me uncomfortable."

"Sorry." My apology is muffled by the shirt I'm quickly pulling over my head.

"Oh, don't worry, it's not in like a sexual harassment way. Your unkempt smattering of chest hair makes me sad for you and no one likes a sad nanny."

My laugh catches me so off guard that I snort, loudly, startling Holland and making her cry.

"See what I mean. You've made her cry with how depressing it is."

"It's not like I have a ton of time on my hands," I remind her, pulling my collar back when Tenley's too distracted to glance down at my chest.

The hair I normally trim is longer than I used to let it get, but I didn't think it looked bad. I thought it was rugged, manly.

I find myself wondering what a certain brunette would prefer.

Shaking away the wayward thought away, I look up to find Tenley staring at me, dumbfounded.

Thankfully, she lifts her gaze to the ceiling, letting me off the hook. "Well, I'm here early today, so bump grooming that to the top of your to-do list, Ginger Daddy."

I cringe. "Nope. Do not call me that."

"Yeah, you're right. You can't pull it off."

"On that note, I'm going to grab my bag and head to the stadium before you abuse me further."

"It's not abuse, it's caring. Stop and grab yourself a cup of coffee. You look tired," she says, taking Holland down the hallway towards her room. When she gets to the door, she spins back toward me, a grin splitting her face. "Actually, I follow Buns & Roses on my socials and I saw they had a special on sticky buns today."

Insult aside, that actually sounds really fucking good. Lilah makes the best pastries, and there's nothing like a coffee fresh from Buns & Roses.

Tenley and my daughter disappear and I can hear her singing a song that has to be made up because it contains all sorts of complex sounding medical terms in lullaby form.

On my way out the door, I grab the signed paperwork my lawyer needs to have the private investigator track down Kristy and serve her a court summons because nothing with the custody case can move forward until they find her. It's stressing me the hell out.

I'm still unsure what I'll do once we find her. All signs point to her not wanting to have any part in Holland's life, but I owe it to my daughter to find out for sure before filing to terminate her mother's rights in a few short months.

It all makes me sad, and a sticky bun can't cure it, but it won't hurt either, so I head to Lilah's coffee shop, dropping my notarized paperwork in the mail on the way.

And when I walk into Buns & Roses, sitting right there with her head bent over her laptop among the crowd of people buzzing around the shop is the woman that's been haunting me ever since I overheard her imply that she's never had good sex.