Page 84 of Pages of My Heart

Thomas picks Jonathan up and settles him on his lap. “That’s a fantastic boat you’ve got there. Can I see?”

Charlie smiles as he looks on at his husband playing with their nephew. Thomas is so attentive and kind. He wishes he and Evie and Donnie had a father like that when they were children, but it makes him happy to know that Jonathan will grow up with two uncles who will love him unconditionally and without judgement.

“Hey, kiddo,” he says, “how would’ya like to take a trip to the ocean and see if that boat floats?”

Chapter 39

August 1945

Thomas

Once the decision is made, they take a scant six weeks to pack up their lives. They only hold onto some clothes and their personal effects, everything else getting sold or donated. They have a double bedroom sleeper compartment booked on theGolden State, leaving tomorrow evening. Thomas has some reservations, but heknowsin his heart that this move is the right choice. The bombs dropped on Japan in the past week are a clear signal that the end of the war is imminent. All around them, people are relieved that no more American lives will be lost. Like the rest of the world, he and Charlie eagerly await Japan’s surrender so they can put these darkest of days behind them.

Yesterday they both said their farewells to family and friends. Saying goodbye to Michael, Maggie, and his nieces and nephews had been tough, and he didn’t bother trying to hold back his tears. He and Charlie extended an invitation for them to visit anytime, letting them know they would always be welcome. Not saying a proper goodbye to Bridget had been devastatingly hard. They barely exchanged a few words standing on her frontdoorstep, his sister refusing to meet his eyes. She had been the closest thing he had to a mother for most of his life, and her rejection had been brutal and heartbreaking. But Thomas is a grown man of twenty-seven, and he’s no longer willing to pretend to be something he’s not—not even for her. Patty, intoxicated as usual, had simply patted him on the back and then walked away. Thomas can’t be certain his father heard him when he said he was leaving, and he expected little else. Surprisingly, he is okay with it.

Charlie’s goodbye to his mother and brother had been difficult, but Charlie says he’s at peace with their decision to leave. Thomas hopes it’s true and simply must trust that it is. Charlie has been his family for a long time now, and after all they’ve been through, he knows they are unbreakable. If the world’s hatred of men like them couldn’t keep them apart, if war couldn’t, if trauma and sickness couldn’t, then nothing will. Thomas meant every word of those vows he said in their sitting room all those years ago. To most of the world, Charlie is just a friend, but to him, Charlie is his husband, his family, his everything.

Thomas still has one more goodbye to make, and in some ways, it’s the hardest one. So, late morning, carrying a bunch of flowers he’s picked from their backyard, he and Charlie depart for the cemetery. He visits his mother a couple of times a year, sometimes staying a while, telling her about his life and wondering if she would love and accept him as he is. Thomas often wonders, too, what she would think of Charlie and if she would love him like a son-in-law. He likes to think she would.

Once standing in front of her grave, he places the flowers next to the small place marker and begins pulling out the weeds that have sprung up since his last visit.

“No one will bother once I’m gone,” he says. “I’m certain no one else visits her.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Patty does.”

Thomas stops, turning to face Charlie, brow knitted. “Do you really think that?”

Charlie nods. “Yeah, I do. You always said he turned to the bottle after they took her away. That he loved her so much it broke him. And there ain’t all that many weeds here. When did ya last visit?”

Thomas thinks back. It’s been a while. He assesses the height of the weeds and manages the tiniest half-smile. “Maybe you’re right. I sure hope so. I can’t bear to think of her alone here . . . no one ever visiting.”

“She’d want you to be happy, sweetheart. We’ll visit again someday.” He runs a hand up Thomas’s back and gives his neck a gentle squeeze. “I promise.”

Thomas nods, swallowing around the lump in his throat. Charlie leaves him then, to give him some privacy, and Thomas tells his mother of their plans for California. He tells her he loves her. And then he says goodbye.

Despite it being a warm night, they build their last fire in the sitting room late that evening. The house is all but empty, but they arrange a makeshift bed on the floor with a blanket and two pillows and strip down naked. Once they’re lying in front of the flames, Charlie settled in his arms, Thomas asks something that has been playing on his mind all day.

“Do you remember our first night here?”

“How could I forget? Our lives completely changed that day. I remember thinkin’ we’d somehow pulled off the most elaborate hoax. It seemed impossible that we’d get to live freely inside these walls every day.” Charlie kisses Thomas’s cheek. “We got married right here in this room.”

Thomas presses his lips to Charlie’s temple and tightens his hold. “We did. One of the best days of my life.”

“But notthebest?” Charlie asks.

“Seeing you again that first day at the hospital . . . kissing you, touching you, hearing your voice again after so long . . .” Thomas stops, surprised by the force of the emotions welling up inside him when he remembers that day.

Charlie looks up, running a hand through Thomas’s hair. “I’m sorry I was so cruel to you that day. But you know my love for you never wavered . . . right?”

Thomas sighs. “I know. But it was difficult to understand at the time. It was hard . . . waiting here alone for you to come home. Scared to death you might not make it back at all . . .” He sighs again. “I know I shouldn’t say that. What I went through was nothing compared to what you endured.”

“We should’ve talked about this before. It’s wrong that we haven’t. Back then . . . I was so caught up in my own pain I barely had space to consider yours. To think that the first thing I said to you was ‘go away’ . . .” He shakes his head, his expression pained. “Jesus, Tommy. Now that time’s passed, I can put myself in your shoes. If you’d said that to me, I would’ve been heartbroken. And I’ve never said I was sorry, but I am. I’m so fuckin’ sorry, sweetheart.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. I understood. It hurt, but I knew you didn’t mean it. I knew it wasn’t how you truly felt.” Thomas presses his thumb to the furrow between Charlie’s brows and soothes it away. “Now enough of the sad stuff. I want to make love to you in this house one more time before we leave.”

They remain locked together for most of the night, their lips and fingertips exploring every curve and dip of heated skin. Thomas thinks it will always be this way—a fire that never burnsout, a desire that never wanes, an unquenchable yearning to become one. He feels he is never deep enough inside his husband, no matter how hard he tries. So, he comes back, time and time again, worshiping Charlie like the faithful worship God.

Their bodies become slick with sweat, and they grab and cling to one another with increasing urgency. Thomas never wants it to end. He could slow down, or pull out and pause, but it’s never an option when he’s caught up in his addiction. Charlie moans, body pliant in his arms, and Thomas’s heart blows wide open. There is a sublime fusion of pleasure and pain that marks a love as profound and all-consuming as theirs, and Thomas surrenders to it, willingly and purposefully.