Page 35 of Pages of My Heart

Charlie

“Hey, Miller, you better be joining us at Chez Paree tonight.” John gives him a friendly slap on the back. “Benny’s shipping out for basic in two days and we need to give him a good send-off.”

Charlie busies himself under the hood of the car. “I’ll do my best to get there,” he mumbles.

He tries to avoid spending after-hours time with his work buddies because they expect him to chase the ladies.

And after all the fabricated stories he’s told them, it’s no wonder.

But the longer he and Thomas are together, the harder it is to pretend and the more it eats away at his insides.

He knows it’s the same for Thomas too—any romantic association with a woman, fake as it may be, feels like a betrayal of the vows they made.

“Jesus, Miller—you spend any more time at home with that roommate of yours, you’re gonna turn into a damn broad. Your wrist feeling a little limp lately?” John rocks on his heels, throwing his head back in laughter.

Charlie straightens up and glares at him, only to watch the man prance across the garage, hips swaying like a Hollywood starlet. John’s display is immediately noticed by George and Jack, who join in the laughter.

George lets out a long whistle. “Who’s the pretty lady?”

“Knock it the fuck off!” Charlie snaps, voice deep and loud. He drops his wrench to the garage floor and heads outside for a smoke, flipping the boys the bird on his way out.

It looks like he’ll have to put in an appearance tonight, and it’ll need to be convincing. Thomas isn’t going to like it, he muses. His eyes fall closed as he brings the cigarette to his lips. He’s not going to like it one bit.

Charlie’s eyes remain locked on Thomas’s as they stand silently on opposite sides of the kitchen. They’ve been arguing for the last fifteen minutes and have reached a stalemate.

He tries again. “Tommy, I need to go. I need to put a stop to it now while it’s still a joke.”

“And what the hell does ‘put a stop to it’ mean?”

Charlie crosses his arms over his chest and looks up at the ceiling, frustration mounting once more. “You know what it means, Tom. I gotta flirt with some girls. Say what I wanna do to ’em. That sort of thing. Everyone there is gonna be sauced, so it’ll be easy.”

“If it’s so easy, why can’t I go with you?”

“Jesus, Tommy! They’re makin’ fun of how much time I spend with you .

. . about how much I talk about you! What’s it gonna help if I fuckin’ show up with you, huh?

It’s my own damn fault and I need to fix it.

” Thomas’s anger seems to wane, the irritation in his eyes replaced with worry.

Charlie closes the distance between them and takes his hands.

“It’ll be all right. And I’ll only be gone an hour or two.

Don’t you trust me? I made vows to you, sweetheart, and I ain’t forgotten them. ”

“I just—” Thomas’s chin dips, his shoulders slumping. “I hate the thought of you even pretending to want a girl. The thought of you . . . touching someone else . . . it makes me feel ill.”

Charlie shakes his head. “I ain’t gonna touch anybody. We’ve done this so many times before, why are you so against it now? We knew when we moved in together that we’d need to keep up appearances, right? You said so yourself.”

“Well I don’t want to keep up appearances!” Thomas stands up straight, eyes blazing anew. “I’m fucking sick of it! And normally we go on double dates. This is . . . different. This feels different.”

“This ain’t even a date! I’m just going to some club with the boys.

I’ll pretend I’ve got my eye on a girl and then I’ll come home.

To you.” Charlie pulls Thomas’s body against his, sliding his hands around his waist and bringing their lips close.

He looks up into Thomas’s eyes and then back to his lips, his mouth hovering, teasing, as the heat builds between them. “You can ravage me when I get home.”

There’s a possessive growl in Thomas’s throat, then Charlie is pushed backward under the force of a bruising kiss.

As Charlie looks around the club, he realizes just how much the war has changed everyone in six short months.

There is a certain recklessness within people, a wildness that wasn’t there before.

Everyone seems to drink more, to love more quickly, and to disregard the consequences more readily.

It’s still pretty early in the evening, but the young women are already tipsy and eager to flirt with the men who have been drafted or have volunteered to sign up, especially those about to ship out.

Benny has a petite, wide-eyed blonde in his arms, whispering into her ear.

Charlie is certain it’s only a matter of minutes before they go off somewhere to tangle their bodies together.

He hopes it will help soothe the fear Benny doesn’t dare show.

Charlie doesn’t quite understand the woman’s motivations, but he understands Benny’s.

He’s a little tipsy himself, the boys buying him drinks and riling him up all evening.

His plan to get in and out within an hour has already gone out the window.

Feigning interest in women is a practiced skill, and he feels like an accomplished mimic as he continues to talk lewdly about an elegant brunette across the room.

Pretending is something he’s always done, for as long as he can remember.

Thomas seems to be more naturally masculine—from the way he walks and talks to the authoritative persona he projects when he teaches.

But Charlie has always had to hide his true self, having perfected a facade he learned from his father and brother.

He can’t do anything about his smaller build, but he deepens his voice and stands with his feet wide apart.

He keeps his hands in his pockets in case they appear too effeminate.

Most of all, he keeps his eyes off other men, lest his hidden desires be too obvious.

When he was little, his father burned him with a cigarette for playing with Evie’s dolls and started calling him a fairy.

When he was bullied at school by the bigger boys, his father took the strap to him to teach him that real men fight back.

And when he was eleven, his father stumbled upon him looking admiringly through his mother’s jewelry box and beat him unconscious.

He was much more careful after that. It’s only been since Charlie found Thomas that he has allowed the hidden parts of himself to be seen.

With Thomas, he is safe being soft. Gentle even.

Jack’s voice pulls him from his thoughts. “Charlie, she wants you, buddy. Look at her batting her eyes . . . that coy little smile.” He nudges Charlie’s arm. “Come on, go get her. Show us how you do it. Show us that Charlie charm you’re always on about.”

He gulps down the last of his beer, panic stealing through his veins.

“Yeah, Miller,” John says, throwing an arm over his shoulder. “Take her upstairs and fondle those milky white tits like you said you would. We’ve never actually seen you with a girl, you know . . . you’re not all talk, are you?”

“Fuck no.”

Charlie pushes his empty glass into John’s hand and saunters toward the brunette.

His heart is racing, tripping over itself with fear.

Thomas’s sad green eyes flash before him.

There must be a way out of this, but he needs to convince the guys from the garage that he’s normal, just like them.

As he nears the brunette, she smiles and flicks at her hair.

Even Charlie can see that she is beautiful.

She has dark brown eyes and long, thick lashes, her cheekbones are high and her lips full, and she has a slim yet curvaceous figure.

He forces his mouth into a confident smile as he approaches, quickly running through all the things Evie says she likes to see in men that might help him get through this lie.

“Hello there, Miss. I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room. You gotta be the most beautiful girl in here. Can I buy you a drink?”

She giggles, her shoulders pulling up as her chin drops down. “But you haven’t even introduced yourself, Mr . . .?”

“Sorry. Name’s Charlie. My buddy from work is leaving for basic training the day after tomorrow and we’re giving him a fine send-off.” He steps in closer. “Can I ask your name?”

She holds out her hand. “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Charlie. I’m Virginia.” Charlie takes her hand and drops a quick kiss to her knuckles.

He motions to one of the serving girls to bring them a couple of drinks and then proceeds to asks Virginia every question he can think of, his eyes constantly flickering over to John and Jack, who are observing him from across the room.

They stupidly mime kissing, and groping breasts, and even humping.

Ten minutes later he’s already finished his new beer and exhausted every topic and still his friends have their eyes on him, watching.

Waiting. He cannot do anything with this woman.

He can’t betray Thomas like that. The last time he forced himself to kiss and hold a woman was when he was engaged to Ruthie and still living under his father’s roof.

It had felt so wrong, feelings of nausea crashing over him when she would push her tongue inside his mouth.

Just the thought of it now makes his stomach lurch.

A bead of sweat runs down his back as he steps in closer to Virginia, whispering in her ear, “Would you like to go someplace a little quieter?”

Virginia blushes, biting down on her lower lip as she places her hand on his chest. “Why, yes, I would. It’s much too noisy in here.”