Page 60 of On Merit Alone

I wanted to be wrong, so I asked, “Was that dinner really, really important, and that’s why you chose it over me?

Because if it was then I can work past it.

But I told you before that I need to know what to expect from you so that I don’t get my hopes up and feel like this, like absolute shit , when I’m disappointed.

So was it a really important meal you had, Ira, because that game was very important to me. ”

His face fell and he bit his lip. It was enough to already start curling a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, telling me I was stupid again for getting my hopes up that he might have a good reason for not showing.

“I—um—sort of. Kimmy’s an old friend, and I wanted to get her opinion on something important,” he said. I raised my eyebrows, ready to hear what it was. He raised his hand to his neck and scrubbed it slightly. “She works in sports psych, so I wanted to run my decision by her.”

I blinked. My throat, which had been bordering the line for a while now, closed up. I had to clear it just to feel like I could breathe. Air didn’t help much, though. As soon as I got some, my eyes watered, my lip wobbling.

“The same one that you can’t talk to me about?” I asked.

He deflated even more. “Yeah, but?—”

I nodded, hearing nothing else. Blood roaring in my ears, and my heartbeat pumping in my throat as I tried to hold back the stupid dam of frustration and insignificance I felt.

This is why you don’t change your rules for people, Merit . This is why you don’t expect. Because it’s always going to come back to this.

“Okay,” I said. “Okay, I think that’s all.”

I tried to move, but he was on me in a second. “No, wait. What do you mean that’s all? Where are you going?”

“I mean that’s all I need. And I’m going to bed. I don’t feel well,” I said, trying to move past him.

“Six, wait,” he said, taking me in his hands just like I knew he would.

But instead of comforting, they felt fake.

And I felt stupid for thinking otherwise.

I turned my head away from him even as he held my cheek in his palm.

A few tears slipped past my hold and I cursed myself for not holding them back better.

“No, no, sweetheart please. Please don’t do that, alright? Don’t cry.”

“It’s fine, Ira. I get it now. Just let me go. I’m crying for something else. Not because of you,” I lied, trying to push past him. I felt weak, like all my strength had been zapped away from this one conversation. I truly did just want to go to bed.

“No. You don’t get it, Merit,” he said. “You’re so extreme about everything, so I’m sure you don’t get it.”

“Let me go please?” I said sadly. “I do get it.”

“No,” he sighed. “Listen baby, I’m sorry I missed your game.

I’ve got no excuse for it. I got my days mixed up and I fucked up and I feel horrible about it.

But I need you to understand that this doesn’t change anything.

I’m still here. I’m still going to be here.

I’ll be here begging you to forgive me if that’s what I need to do.

But just because I messed up doesn’t mean I don’t want you and it doesn’t magically make it so I never have. ”

I said nothing. I was staring at my feet, swallowing like crazy as tears flowed from my eyes and to the floor between us.

I felt like shit. My ears ringing, my face stinging, my body hot.

And all I could think about was the fact that I had trusted him, I still stupidly trusted him though it was a little warped at the moment—yet he still didn’t trust me.

I guess it was my own fault. I’d stomped on his trust in me way back then in a parking garage. And if he felt anything like I do now, I guess I didn’t blame him for never wanting to give me another chance. It didn’t hurt any less though.

“Please, Merit, would you just look at me?” he pleaded.

“I’m having a hard time doing that right now,” I answered honestly.

He cursed.

“I’m gonna head to bed, Ira. Not feeling so great,” I said to the floor.

He let me pass, but changed his mind a moment later, latching onto my hand just as I was passing through the living room. “Six. I don’t want to leave things like this.”

I huffed, laughing without humor. “Things just are the way they are. ”

“Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad.”

“You’re sad, and that's ten times worse,” he said regretfully. “I told you I take hurting you seriously Merit, and I still managed to do it anyway. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

It wasn’t. He could tell that much. He brought his hands to my shoulders from behind me, laying his forehead down to the crown of my head. “Please tell me how I can make it up to you, Mer. Please, I’ll do anything.”

I shrugged. “I just wanted you.”

Against my better judgment, a week later I was already warming back up to Ira.

I’d fully intended on guarding myself against the horrible feeling of disappointment from last weekend.

I never wanted to feel like that ever again.

I know in the long run, it was just a game that he missed and he’d been genuine when he apologized for it.

But it was more than that for me. It was the difference between getting my hopes up and believing in reality.

It was the difference between being happy with just a win or being hurt down to my core because the one person I had, the person I wanted to celebrate good things in my life with, hadn't shown up for me.

I know he didn’t mean to, but that didn’t change the fact that I didn’t want that feeling again and I definitely didn’t want someone else to be the wielder of that power over me.

So I tried to do the smart thing and fade Ira out.

Cut back on being so dependent on him. I mean, I would already have to think about him every time I looked at Cash, but I didn’t have to think of him every other second of the day too.

But almost as soon as I got out of the shower that night, needing desperately to wipe away the tears and snot coming out of my face, a text came through on my phone.

A voice note from Ira.

It started with a sigh. Deep and long and full of emotion. Frustration .

“Six… Merit. You are so fucking frustrating. I wish I was saying this to your face, but you kicked me out and you wouldn’t look at me and—anyway.

I have no idea what you think of me right now, but I can guess, and I just want to set the record straight.

” He paused and I held my breath, waiting stupidly on his next words.

“If you’re thinking that you’re not important to me, then you’re wrong.

Because you’re quickly becoming the most important thing in my life.

If you’re thinking you should stop expecting things from me, you’re wrong.

I want you to count on me, Six. And I will come through for you.

I will. And if you’re thinking I’m not falling in love with you…

you’re wrong, baby. So fucking wrong, because you’re in my mind, you’re in my heart, and you’re in my soul.

I hate that I hurt you. I hate that you’ve been hurt for an entire day and I didn’t know a thing about it.

I hate it all. And I’m so sorry. But I want you to know, if you think avoiding me is going to put me off like last time, that’s one more thing you’re dead wrong about.

You’re mine, sweetheart. And I’m going to take care of what’s mine. Night.”

I probably listened to it twenty times, saving it so I could listen to it again when I needed it. My heart was literally swimming, my skin flushing, and not from the super hot shower I’d just put myself through to try and burn off the pain.

Falling in love with me?

Was he serious? Was he telling the truth? Was he reading my mind?

I fell asleep with my mind in turmoil over all the questions he left me with. And they didn’t quite clear up the next morning when I woke to the soft tapping on my apartment door and Cash’s whining .

Looking at the time, I saw that it was still early. Before nine in the morning, early. I trudged through my apartment confused that anyone would be knocking at this hour and was totally surprised to find Ira on the other side with a bag in one hand and a flower in the other.

He gave me the flower first. A white rose that looked to have been de-thorned already. Then he looked me up and down, a soft smile curling a corner of his mouth. “Happy to see me Six, or just trying out a new look?”

Confused I looked down at myself… and saw that on top of wearing my thin pajama tank with no bra, my nipples peeking at attention at the most inopportune time, I was also in my boy short underwear that I sometimes wore to bed when it was too hot for full pajamas.

I jumped back, immediately trying to find something to cover myself, but there was nothing.

Which left me lamely trying to cover my exposed body with my hands.

I wouldn’t normally care, but I was supposed to be mad at him, even though I’d woken up and had strangely felt a little lighter than yesterday after listening to his message.

I was still supposed to be mad and I was supposed to be taking a step away from him… this .

So I definitely should not be getting hot under his scrutiny or feeling comfortable with him seeing me like this.

Ira was just as comfortable, though. He simply leaned in to pass me the bag of what seemed to be breakfast food and kissed my jaw on his way back. As he passed my face, he whispered, “No use covering up now. I can already see, and you’re beautiful. Have a good morning, sweetheart.”

And damn if he didn’t say bye to my photos as he left. Bye to my parents and my grandparents, like I always did.

My heart thumped.

God what was he doing to me?

Whatever it was, he kept on doing it the next day, as he waited outside of the locker room for me. I noticed him when me and the girls filed out after practice, because a chorus of ‘ooos’ and ‘awws’ floated around us in the tunnel air.