Page 53 of On Merit Alone

The base of the trail Ira was taking me on wasn’t what I was expecting. There was a little dirt parking lot with signs and maps stationed in various places. I guess I thought to hike a mountain, you’d have to park on the side of it and hope your emergency parking brake was worth its salt.

I continued to be surprised as Ira scanned the map, told me we were going on the yellow route—Buckhead Trail—and proceeded to lead me to the start of a trail that simply looked like dirt and trees.

We climbed. It wasn’t terribly steep, but the walk was hike enough that it brought my heart rate up.

The burn in my legs was minimal but different from the burn I was accustomed to feeling from practices and workouts.

It was a surprisingly nice change. The serenity of the trail—decorated with wildflowers that sprouted off the side of the path or random baby streams that were probably trickling down from the top of the peak or the sounds of nature surrounding us and swallowing us up completely.

Trees rustling, birds chirping, the random unknown rustling in the brush beyond—all of it brought peace and clarity to my thoughts.

It was a different sort of head-in-freezer moment. It was eye opening.

Ira didn’t coddle me; he didn’t speak to me, either. The most I’d been made aware of his presence after we started up the trail was when he pointed out the occasional uneven step or when he reached back once or twice to tug on my hand after I got distracted by this thing or that.

He was polite, but he was always polite.

So as we got to our destination—a wide opening at the top of this section of the mountain that spread out to a large expanse overlooking deeply cut rock formations, ragged peaks, and an array of brassy colors all under a layer of sky that was so blue and sun that was so yellow, it looked like a straight up painting—my awe at the sight I was witnessing was peppered with the tiny bits of awareness that he was acting strange.

Which is probably why I was taken by so much surprise when strong arms wrapped around my waist and a warm body nestled itself snugly to my back.

I don't want to admit that I immediately melted into him, but I also don't want to lie.

As soon as his arms wrapped around me and his body provided that strong steadiness I knew to be his, I was gone.

Wrapping my hands around his forearm, I leaned my weight into him. He snuggled me up tighter, dropping his chin to my shoulder and his mouth close to my ear.

“I'm not going to push you off, Six. I’d torture you in much better ways if that was my goal,” he said.

I chuckled, my breath hitching a little when he ran his nose at the sensitive spot behind my ear.

“Feeling any better?” he asked .

“A lot better. Great actually,” I said, looking out at the view. “How do you know about stuff like this?”

“I grew up here. I have places that I’ve loved since I was a kid. Places that have never failed me. Something for each mood I’m in,” he said easily.

I swallowed. “Is this one of them?”

“No, Six. This is where I took you to kill off my competition for highest scorer in the stadium,” he said.

I smiled, and he laughed, somehow knowing I was grinning without even seeing my face.

“Yes, this is one of those spots. My sister is the one who introduced me to hiking. My parents only come out when we make them. And this is the first hike I ever found on my own.”

“The first?” I asked. “How long ago was that?”

“Picture a fifteen-year-old Ira, pissed because he was being forced to play post and couldn’t shoot as much as he wanted to.

My shot was shaky back then, and I was already taller than most high school kids, so it made sense.

It was actually a great experience for what my game would later evolve into in college…

in hindsight. But I didn’t see it that way at first, and when it happened, I wanted blood. ”

I giggled. “From who ?”

“From the annoying assistant coach that put me in the position,” he said in his own laugh.

“But my dad would have my ass if I acted up with an adult, so I had to find another way to take my frustration out. I decided screaming off the top of a mountain was how I would do it. I couldn’t even drive yet, but I made my brother cart me up here and wait in the car while I huffed my way up on a warpath. ”

“Did you scream?” I asked.

“Nope.” He shook his head, and I felt it on mine.

“Once I started walking, I started to think things through. I started seeing things that were bigger than me, different than I was. And I started to forget if it was pride or principal that I was supposedly so outraged over—or if I was just being a teenage asshole. I only made it about halfway up before I wasn’t mad anymore.

And when I got up here, when I saw what’s out there, it all melted away. ”

“Hmm.”

“Seeing stuff like this sort of makes the things we stress out about look really small,” he said. “It sort of takes the anxiety away, yeah?”

“Sort of,” I said, my lip worrying under my teeth again. Breathing deeply I took a step out his arms and readied myself for the insanity that was potentially about to come out of my mouth. “But there is still something weighing on my mind.”

“Is everything okay?” he asked immediately before getting distracted by my movements and reaching out to pull me closer to him. Closer to safety. “Hey, hey—not too close to the edge there, Six. Easy.”

My heart squeezed at his questions. At his attentiveness.

At the constant way he kept showing up for me when I never asked him to.

And if I didn’t get a hold on this feeling right now, I might just jump off.

I was already spiraling over the edge, I just needed to know what to expect when I got to the bottom.

Broken bones or…or a soft landing. Rubbing my forehead between my thumb and index fingers, I rushed out, “What are we… doing, Ira?”

“Um… hiking?” he said, voice the same as it always was.

I pressed my lips together, not sure if he was purposely not getting it or if it truthfully hadn’t crossed his mind that the way he was being with me lately could potentially make me start to feel things. Potentially confuse me.

“No, I, that’s not what I mean,” I said.

He waited a beat, and when I didn’t elaborate he asked me to. “So what do you mean?”

“I mean—” I took a deep breath. “Like, us? Like what are we ? What should I be expecting? What should I be doing? Because I feel like I'm just soaking up all your kindness without offering anything back. And I like being around you but I don’t know how to act, and I don’t know when it will end and I don’t know if it's obvious, but I don’t really do casual well.

So… so yeah. I guess that’s what I mean. ”

He coughed, clearing his throat. Then he was there, grabbing me by my shoulders to turn me fully toward him and stepping us away from the edge of the cliff for good measure.

He looked down at me, but I looked down at our feet. This forced him to duck his head down to catch my eyes. When he found them he smiled at me softly, encouraging me to lift my head the rest of the way and face whatever he had to say.

“Is that what was stressing you out? Something to do with me?” he asked.

“Not initially. First I was upset because of practice and stressed about New York and my GM… But then it sort of seemed like you were mad at me this whole time—or at least tired of me. But you hugged me, so now I’m confused.”

He blinked. “What made you think I was mad at you?

“You didn’t speak to me much up the mountain.”

“Have you tried talking while hiking? It’s a fast way to lose your breath.”

“No, I haven’t.” I blinked at him through my lashes. “Because you didn’t speak to me.”

He puffed out an amused breath as he surveyed me. “Is this what you’re like when you get comfortable with someone, Six?”

“Like what, needy?”

“Pouty,” he corrected, punctuating the comment by tapping my bottom lip that had apparently slipped out.

I wanted to laugh, I really did, but this sudden feeling of needing to know where this was all going, and if I was doing the right thing was absorbing me.

I think he could sense my anxiety, because a second later he was taking a step into my space and moving his hands to scoop up my cheeks.

Next, his forehead touched mine, and I wasn’t imagining that his body relaxed the same way mine did at the contact.

“I didn’t say much on the way up because I could tell when you walked in you had a lot on your mind,” he started. “I know that because you did that thing where you talk to the ceiling while you pace—I don’t know if you’re like cursing all your enemies or what, Six, but it’s seriously scary.”

“Ira,” I laughed on a singular breath, shutting my eyes. He made me smile at the most inopportune times, I swear. He made my heart flutter even while my stomach was torn with anxiety.

“I was worried. So I thought I’d bring you to a place where I like to think.

I would have waited for you in the car like I made my brother do, but I was worried about you going up alone.

I wanted to give you time, Merit. I know I’m the only person you hang out with right now and that can sometimes get repetitive, so I wanted to give you the option to be by yourself with your thoughts. ”

I grabbed onto his shirt, balling it up in my hand. “I can be alone with my thoughts without you ignoring me.”

“Ah, baby, I’m sorry,” he cooed, continuing to poke fun.

I tugged on my handful of fabric. “See? You’re making my heart feel crazy.”

“Should I apologize?”

“Only if you’re going to hurt me.”