Page 58 of On Merit Alone

I didn’t have time to ask her about the looks she was sending me. Not with Liv on the loose, shaking me down for the ice cream I promised her and begging me to take her somewhere fun. When I asked them where they wanted to go, Liv had said the fair.

I did not want to go to the fair—not with two kids and big crowds who would most definitely notice who I was.

Merit immediately understood and supplied that she knew a place that was sort of like the fair but different.

I was intrigued, since Merit knew exactly two places: her apartment and the arena.

Liv was an easy sell once she learned that they had ice cream.

And that’s exactly how we ended up at Clyde’s Circus Funhouse at one in the afternoon on Sunday.

I’m pretty sure the fair would have been better, but one look at the excited faces of both Merit and the four-year-old dragging her toward the life-sized clown mouth that was the entrance to this monstrosity and I couldn’t say no.

Inside, Maddox and I hung back. Watching curiously as the two of them zipped around the place.

Playing games, climbing all the obstacles, even trying out the acrobatics ropes (and giving me a heart attack in the process).

I swear we were in there so long the baby had an entire bottle, took a nap with his face smashed against my chest in the wearable baby carrier, and woke up again before the girls were done.

We’d finally agreed that this was their last stop, the mirror maze, and I followed behind cautiously as the girls entered hand in hand.

Merit let Liv guide her, tugging her the whole way through.

Me and Maddox trailed close behind as I held onto his head and made sure not to bump the baby into any unsuspecting mirrors.

I got little laughs out of them continuing to meet dead ends. I reminded Liv to be careful whenever she moved too fast so she wouldn’t hit the mirrors too hard and got distracted more than a few times by the huge round eyes Maddox got whenever he recognized himself in the mirrors. We were all cool.

That's why I was taken so off guard when Liv suddenly screamed that she knew the way out. Instead of walking like she’d done the entire time , she started sprinting toward what she thought was the exit.

Merit at least had the sense to know not to run in the maze, but her fault came when trying to save Liv from her bad choices.

She went after the little girl in a cautious jog so she could scoop her up before anything disastrous happened.

I called out to them both to tell them to stop running.

But it was all too late. Just before Merit got a hold of my niece, they both smacked clean into another mirror, and simultaneously crumpled to the floor.

And I got the whole thing on video.

Iris and I both chuckled deviously as we watched it over again standing at the edge of the living room and I could swear there were tears in her eyes as she rewound it and played it again.

“Ira!” my sister whispered as she cracked up. “You took a video ?”

I wiped my own eyes. “I was documenting the experience. It’s not my fault they decided to run straight into the mirror.”

“Hard,” Iris added.

“ So hard. I couldn’t believe the size of the bumps on their heads.” I laughed and we both dissolved into more evil snickers that the two victims would never know about.

After a while Iris took a long breath that she let out in a sigh, settling. I could see how her eyes tracked over the scene in front of us, lingering on the way Merit had fallen asleep rocking her baby.

Whispering, she said, “I like her, Ira.”

I slipped my hands into my pockets, my shoulders moving up and down in a slow shrug. “I like her too.”

“You more than like her,” she scoffed. “I’ve never seen you like this before. She’s got your number.”

Another shrug is all I gave her.

She looked at me again. “Please tell me why she doesn’t want you to retire. I like her, but I don’t like that she hurt you. I want to understand.”

I sighed, looking at the girl on the couch rather than at my sister.

“She didn’t hurt me. I mean at first she did, when I was falling into feelings with her and she up and punched out my heart by blowing up at me. But that was before I knew her. Now I understand that she reacted that way because she was feeling something for me too,” I said.

“ Ira, ” she scolded. I was speaking a language she didn't understand. With no context it still looked pretty bad from the outside.

I sighed again, my heart squeezing as I looked at my sister and swallowed.

I absolutely hated repeating this. I hated that this was a reality that anyone had to face, especially this person who had appeared in my life out of nowhere and made it a kind of better I didn’t know I needed.

She hadn’t done anything grand. She simply existed in a way that was perfect for me. One that had become a necessity for me.

I wanted to exist in ways that made her happy too. I hoped to God with every new second that I spent with her, I did.

“I met her earlier this year at the gym. Late at night. She was shooting there alone after a game and I talked to her. After that, I only saw her here and there on the court. We played a little and that was it. Even then I don’t know why I liked her so much, I just…

did. I wanted to see her more and I tried, but with her it was always basketball, all the time,” I said.

“After we got closer, I told her I might want to move on and she acted like I slapped her, Iris. She acted like I told her I hated her or something. I thought that was it, I mean, I wasn’t going to put up with that, but… ”

“But?”

“Come to find out, she doesn’t have any family. She hasn’t had any family— anyone— since she was fourteen years old. But you know what she has had?”

“Basketball,” she said, connecting the dots as she spoke. Her eyes flying to Merit as she slept on the couch.

I nodded. “Basketball. And I don’t know for sure because I’ve been nervous to talk about it with her. My guess is, since we met because of basketball, when she heard I was thinking about leaving basketball behind she thought maybe I was leaving her behind too. ”

“You haven’t talked to her about it again?” she asked. I shook my head. “Why?”

“I don’t know—I’m nervous. I don’t want to scare her off again. And I don’t like how indecisive I’m being,” I said. “Because I’m decisive about her. I want her. And if talking about it is going to make her think that I don’t… I’ll just hold it in.”

“Ira,” she covered her mouth, looking at me as if I said I’d found a golden egg. “You’re decisive about her?”

I felt my cheeks heat. “Yeah. I am.”

She pressed both her palms to her cheeks trying to tamp down her smile.

It hardly worked. “If you like her that much, you should talk about it with her. If you wanted her opinion before, I’m sure you want it now that she was part of the inspiration to change your mind.

The conversation might be hard, or embarrassing, but you guys are getting to know each other.

You’ll grow into how to communicate with each other in every situation. ”

I hummed, my chest feeling lighter after admitting so much. All of it was true, but it seemed like as soon as I said it out loud, it made it that much more real.

“Ira!” Iris whispered excitedly as she bounced in her spot and shook my elbow. “I’m so happy for you! I always imagined you with someone like this!”

“Really! Like what?” I asked curious.

“I don’t know—she’s just warm .” Strange that I felt the same way.

Iris elbowed me again, her excitement seeping into her limps as she let them run away from her.

“You should talk to her about it though. But in the meantime, Kimmy is actually in town, so maybe you can talk to her about it too. I know she’d love to see you. ”

Kimmy was Iris’s old teammate who was going to school to be a sports psychologist and always used to run clinicals by me.

She was never actually my real therapist but talking to her like a very well informed and enlightened friend always used to help me a ton.

In return, she had me test out all of her sports psychology workbook drafts and actually used a testimonial of mine in a publication that she wrote.

I kept in touch with her in the way you keep in touch with most distant friends nowadays, occasionally swiping up on a social media story of hers or congratulating her on any major life events she happened to post. But talking to her might help me finally make a decision.

Nodding, I agreed and asked Iris to set it up. Then I leaned a shoulder down to my sister and bumped her. “Alright. Let’s get out of earshot. She’ll wake up if she thinks she’s missing out on?—”

“Ira?” a small sleepy voice cut me off. Rising groggily from her spot on the couch was Merit, rubbing her eyes as she gingerly picked her way from under the kid’s grasp.

First she peered over to the baby to make sure he was still sleeping.

Then she gently slipped her hand out of Liv’s grip and laid her head down on a pillow to replace where her body had been.

Rising, she let out a big yawn as she came over to find me.

“Why did you let me fall asleep? I wanted to tell you—oh.”

Merit stood a little straighter as she realized someone else was in the room. Then she smiled sheepishly at my sister as Iris watched her unapologetically.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just didn’t want to miss…” her words trailed off as she bit her lip. No doubt feeling embarrassed about what she might say.

I reached between us and picked up her hand, pulling her the rest of the way to my side and wrapping an arm behind her back.

Soft as I could without downright whispering in front of my sister, I murmured, “You didn’t miss anything, Six.

We were just talking about the afternoon. How’s your head, soldier?”

“Hurts,” she said, shooting my sister a quick look. “But I’ll be okay.”

Using the pads of my fingers I ran them across her skin. The slight bump right there on her forehead made me chuckle. I shook my head. “Want to sleep it off some more? You can use my room if we’re too loud down here.”

Her eyes tracked over me, just like they had been since she’d gotten back from the doctor. Then her wrist started to buzz and she peeked down at it before straightening out of my grasp. “That’s for Cash. I need to start heading back so I can feed him. He’s been alone most of the day.”

“Alright,” I said, already missing her. “Next time bring him too.”

She gave me a long, quiet look—leveling, surveying, testing. Then her eyes slid to my sister again, who had yet to move away, just watching us like we were her favorite TV show.

“Okay, then,” I said, clapping my hands softly before moving behind Merit and slipping my hands to her waist. “Mer, let me walk you out. Iris, get a life—you’re being creepy.”

Merit smiled and said bye to my sister over her shoulder as she let me walk her to the front door.

She was quiet as she slipped on her shoes, and sheepish as she pulled on my fingers to follow her out to her car.

It was when she lingered at her door, looking from my face to our joined hands that I finally took a step into her line of vision. “What’s up, Six?”

“I—” she stopped, her lips rolling into her mouth as she looked from both of my eyes, one and then the other and then back again. Her face was soft, open, and vulnerable.

“I’d give just about anything to know what this look means right now, Merit,” I admitted.

She smiled. Pretty and small. “I had a lot of fun today, Ira. I like your family.”

“Thanks, Six. I’m pretty sure they like you too.”

She smiled, but something brought her closer to me. Brought her hands to my shirt as she clutched it in her grip and stared up at me.

“But I hope you know I like you the best,” she said slowly, eyes watching me closely. “That you’re number one for me. You know that right?”

Slowly, my lips broke apart in a smile. I couldn’t help it from spreading across my face. It was like my lips had a mind of their own, my happiness the only control over them. And my chest began to flutter and twist like a tornado of butterflies decided to touch down right there.

“It looks like I know now.” I couldn’t help the shyness of my tone. She was always direct when I was least expecting it. And right now she was being about the most direct she’d ever been in regards to her feelings for me.

I could tell a lot from her cues and her non-declarations. I wasn’t dense. But there was something different about when someone just came out and said it. She likes me best .

I swear I must’ve been glowing. That's what it felt like as this warmth enveloped my entire body.

“Okay, good,” she smiled, looking relieved. But when I continued to beam, she pushed my shoulder playfully. “But your sister is still pretty cool though.”

“But I’m your favorite?”

She sobered, looking at me. “You are.”

“Alright now, easy there, Six,” I teased. “If you keep this up I might start to think you like me as much as I like you.”

She wouldn’t stop. She just wouldn’t stop taking my breath away.

Out of nowhere, she lifted onto her toes and before I knew what she was doing, her lips were on mine. Soft. Gentle. Tender as she kissed me for the first time on her own. Her hands moved up to cup my jaw, her fingertips lightly brushing either side of it in the lightest of holds.

Too soon, she pulled away but only far enough so she could look into my eyes. “If it’s anywhere close to a whole, whole lot, then I’m right there with you. ”

Leaning down, I hummed approvingly as I rubbed my nose against hers. I felt her in my chest, in my throat, in my veins as every part of me roared to life in her presence.

She accepted the contact with a small smile but didn’t move to kiss me again. Instead she whispered something, sounding like she had a frog in her throat. But I knew better, she was holding back those tears that I was working so hard to erase for good.

“Thank you for taking me to the doctor. It’s pretty silly that I worked myself up so much about it, but you being there really meant a lot to me,” she said.

“Anytime, Merit.”

On her toes again, she wrapped her arms around me, hugging me close. I rubbed my hands along her back as I felt her shiver. “And I want you to be able to trust me as much as I trust you. Because that is a hell of a lot too, Ira.”

Hugging her close, tight, I let my lips touch the crook of her neck as I whispered, “I do, sweetheart.”