Page 44 of On Merit Alone

I hated the way people were looking at her. I hated the way she looked at herself; like her hands were a mirror, and she hated the reflection she was staring at. I had to do something. I had to try.

Quietly, I asked, “What about your grandpa, Mer?”

I’m sure she wasn’t breathing as she looked up at me. Stared up at me. Her eyes said something unreadable. No, actually they read one emotion loud and clear.

Turmoil.

Fuck . That question was a mistake.

“Alrighty well, it’s been awesome getting to know the two of you today.

Two stars with the same drive and very different styles on and off the courts,” Tonya cut in quickly, running through her outro.

“Ira, I have to say all your answers are going to surprise even your biggest fans. And Merit, I think we can all agree that your dedication to the game is unmatched. I’ll see you both back here for your individual interviews soon. Thank you for speaking with us! ”

As soon as Tonya did her little head nod to cue her cameras to stop, I turned to Merit. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m fine,” she said immediately. Rising, she moved to leave the interview set-up but stumbled slightly on her feet. I caught her by both elbows and walked her out, not letting go in fear of her falling.

There was definitely something very wrong.

With her answers, with the way she looked while saying them, with the entire way she was acting right now.

And I know we were technically fighting or whatever this was, but I couldn’t leave her alone like this.

It was almost like she was in a different world.

I knew as much as she let me lead her out of the curtained interview area to a couple of seats on the far side of the stadium.

As we sat, I initially tried to talk to her.

Telling her that they were just questions.

That it was okay to open up a little for the sake of the interview, and that there was no need to be nervous.

She wasn’t hearing any of it. I’m not really sure she heard much of anything.

So I just resigned myself to sitting with her.

And when it came time for her individual interview, her and I being the last two on the docket, I walked her up to the curtain afraid that she might topple over if I didn’t.

Before she could pull the curtain aside to go in, I stopped her. Her eyes were latching onto nothing in particular, just staring dazedly at some point on my shoulder.

My heart sank.

She wasn’t okay and I had no idea why. I had no idea what to do.

Using a firm grip on her chin, I tilted her head up to me, begging for her gaze. She provided it in the shattered form she currently possessed. I breathed. “Mer if you don’t want to do the interview, don’t do it. It’s not a big deal if you skip.”

“It is, Ira,” she said. “Rob wants me here. If I piss him off again he said he’s going to suspend me, or more. I can’t lose this. I can’t… I just can’t.”

Tabling the array of shocking words for later when I got her to a place she felt safe again, I stepped into her space. “So you’re saying you don’t want to do it?”

She whimpered, but that’s the only noise she made as she shook her head.

“Then let me get you out of here, sweetheart,” I said, laying my hand on her shoulder to steer her away.

She shook me off. “No, Ira. No. I’m on contract and I don’t break those. I’m sure the hard part’s already over. I’m going to be fine.”

“But Mer?—”

“Merit!” someone called. “We’re ready for you!”

She sighed and shook me the rest of the way off. “I gotta get in there. See you around.”

Yeah, see me around my ass. She would see me right here in the open curtain entry as I watched with my arms folded while she took her place in the interview seat. She was taking deep breaths, her hands balled up tight in her lap again trying to compose herself.

Impulsively, I pulled out my phone and sent a text to the only person I knew who might be able to help me here. Sending off a quick message that I hoped read: Are you around? Like I intend it to.

I didn’t have time to see if he replied, because Tonya was starting again.

“So Merit, it’s been so good getting to speak with you so far. Honestly catching you off the court is always a treat since we don’t see very much of you in interviews or specials like these,” Tonya started. “Can I ask why?”

Merit shrugged. “I’m not too great with interviews, is all. I usually have the same answer as you could probably tell. ”

“You’re a pretty great interviewer, actually!” Tonya complimented. “Your courtside talks are some of our favorites.”

“Oh, well. I can talk about basketball easy. Just not myself,” Mer confessed.

“And judging by your last interview with Ira, we can tell basketball means a great deal to you. Almost, everything it seems.”

“It does.”

“Can you tell us about that?” Tonya asked. “Who got you started in the game?”

Merit took a long breath before answering. “Both my mom and dad played basketball all throughout college. It’s where they met, they even had the same number. I play because of them.”

“So you play for their legacy?” Tonya continued.

Merit swallowed. “For their memory.”

When a couple beats of silence passed, and Merit didn’t elaborate, Tonya asked, “Did they pass away?”

Mer nodded a few times without saying anything. Swallowing several more to try to contain whatever was stirring inside of her.

Finally, she said, “Yeah—yes. When I was little, they both passed away. I don’t remember much about them, but I know they loved basketball and I know they fell in love because of it. So, I love it too.”

“That’s very sweet, and I am so sorry for your loss,” Tonya said. Merit didn't respond, so she continued. “So growing up, who taught you to play?”

“Um,” Merit’s voice wavered, becoming watery and uneven as she blinked up at the ceiling. “My grandpa. He taught me—I’m sorry, I don’t really talk about this often.”

Ever . She didn’t ever talk about this. I could fucking tell by the last thread she was visibly hanging onto while just scratching the surface.

What the fuck ? This was supposed to be a lighthearted interview. How the hell had my girl gotten this intense emotional shit ?

I wanted to go out there and stop it. I wanted this over, if only to stop Merit’s obvious trembling as she sat there annihilating her fingers in a cobra grip.

But I couldn't. I couldn’t go in and fuck with her career like that.

She told me clearly that she had a contract and she wanted to keep it. But damn.

Picking up my phone, I rang the number I texted earlier. He answered on the first ring. “Carmen.”

“Are you by the arena?” I asked.

“I’m here,” he said both in the receiver and behind my back.

I looked over my shoulder to see the man storming up to my side, a vicious scowl on his face as he leaned into the curtain and took in the view of Merit before us.

He cursed underneath his breath. One look at her and he knew she was in terrible shape, muttering a grumbly, “I told them this was a bad idea.”

“What the hell is this, Ry?” I asked. “You knew about this and you let her do it?”

“I strictly said nothing personal,” Ryan said. “They aren’t supposed to be talking about this.”

“Well, they are.” I swallowed, tuning back into Mer as she continued on about her family.

“Grandpa taught me everything I know about basketball. He was my mom’s dad and he used to play too. Same number as my parents.”

“Is that the number you wear?”

“No,” she said. “I mean I used to wear it. But after they both were gone too, I changed it.”

“Gone?”

Merit cleared her throat, uncomfortable. Shaking as she corrected herself. “Died, too. It was a long time ago, though.”

She added the last part quickly, as if she knew if she forgot to add that, people might feel bad for her. This only got nosey Tonya to ask more questions.

“How old were you? ”

“Um,” Merit looked up. Her eyes searching for something in the direction of Ryan and me. And when she found it, she looked at him pleadingly. Him . I don’t know which hurt worse, her begging for another man’s help or her falling apart right outside of my grasp. “Um, I was fourteen.”

“ Fuck, ” I heard myself hiss. More urgently, I turned to Ryan. “You said you didn’t agree to this?”

Ryan shook his head but seemed focused on Merit. Tonya was focused too. Milking every word she could get out of her.

“Fourteen. That’s very young,” she said, all fake concerned for Mer as she continued to drill her with questions. “Did you live with other family after that?”

Mer shook her head and my heart kept finding more ways to break. “I don’t have any other family. Like I said, just me… and basketball.”

“You and basketball, huh?” Tonya nodded. “Is that how you were able to make it to the college level and later on to the draft? With just you and basketball?”

“I—um,” she breathed, her hands pressing to her forehead as she took deep breaths.

“That’s how I get through everything. Me and basketball.

I don’t have a family anymore. I haven’t for a long time.

The only thing that’s left of them, funny enough, is this silly little game that connected each and every one of us in one way or another.

That’s why I can’t imagine my life going any other way, because, well it’s always been me and basketball.

And without basketball, it’ll just be me. I’ll be the last one left.”

“ Ryan ,” I growled. “Is this outside of the contract? Are they violating it?”

“Yes,” Ryan said. Blinking like he was snapping out of something. “Yes, this is way over the line.”

That’s all I needed to hear. Yanking the curtain aside, I started my way toward Merit.

“I’m getting her out of there. ”

Passing by the camera crew and other professionals, I ignored their protests and warnings. I ignored everything but the girl sitting so balled up she seemed about a foot shorter than her magnificent height.

So much of her had spilled out that she looked drained. Parts of her that these people, and maybe not even I, were supposed to see just yet. It was clear she was hurting, and all around her, it seemed like nobody cared.

Nobody was there for her. Nobody but basketball.

As I walked into the little sitting area, I caught the tail end of another one of Tonya’s questions. “—it must have really scared you when you got injured.”

I put my back to her, blocking Merit’s view of the woman and hissing over my shoulder. “She’s not answering that.”

To Mer I held my hands out. “Come on, Six. You’re done.”

“But I—” I scooped her up at her elbows, lifting her onto her feet and bringing my head down into her line of sight.

“You’re not answering another fucking question. Let’s go, Mer,” I said.

She tracked the scene slowly, her eyes lifting to mine then over my shoulder as she recognized Ryan there. Before she could protest, I had an arm slinging around her waist and was steering her out of this bullshit without another word.

We exited the curtain, but I kept going. We went as far as the men’s locker room where I sat her down in my locker and squatted in front of her, rubbing her arms as they spotted with goosebumps and shivered like ice sickles.

To me, she asked, “Ryan said it was okay that I leave?”

“ Merit .”

I couldn’t give a fuck about Ryan right now. But she did, and was now trying to stand because she didn’t like my answer. “I can’t get suspended, Ira. If Ryan didn’t say it was okay, I have to?—”

“Sweetheart, sweetheart,” I said, grasping the sides of her neck and using my thumbs to make her look at me. Gently, I guided her back into the seat. “Baby, please just listen to me alright?”

“Ira,” she whimpered.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry,” I said, feeling my chest caving in as I apologized for much more than pulling her out of that interview.

I realized now that everything she’d said and done in the parking garage that day had nothing to do with me, not really, and everything to do with what I’d just learned about her past. Her family.

Her life. “Shit, Merit, I’m so sorry. Here.

Stay here, I’m going to grab you some water or something. ”

Rising, I jogged away from her crumpled up form, heading over to the little fridge where staff kept snacks and drinks stocked for the players.

With every step, I cursed myself for letting this happen.

I cursed myself for yelling at her that day when she was just reacting to me quitting basketball the same way she’d react to the same reality for herself.

I cursed myself for everything I didn’t know about her and everything I’d assumed.

I just cursed myself and hoped to God she let me make it up to her.

Starting with a bottle of cold water.

I wish I could start at the end. I wish I could already know everything about her so I could jump to the part where I could make it better.

I wish I knew how to make it better. But everything with Merit moved in baby steps.

Aside from this very encounter where she let everything spew out of her in a jumbled up grieving mess, she moved in relationships like a chessboard.

One step forward, some back. And not because of some sort of maneuvering strategy like I accused her of in the parking garage, but because she didn’t know how else to do things.

I wanted to fast forward to the part where she was feeling better tucked away in my arms as I told her I was sorry and that no matter how alone she thought she would be without basketball, she’d never get there because I would be there .

I was going to tell her that, but when I got back to my locker, Merit was already gone.