Page 31

CHAPTER THIRTY

KAMRYN

T he next morning, Reagan looks up at the ceiling of her giant executive office and blows out a very long breath before barking out, “This is a fucking PR nightmare!”

I sit next to Cheetah in the chairs on the other side of her desk and throw my hands in the air in exasperation. “I don’t want to get married. He shouldn’t have asked, especially at the ballpark. What do you want from me?”

I’m not scared of anyone, but she’s a little intimidating in her expensive red suit, sitting behind her massive executive desk on the top floor of the highest skyscraper in Philly.

She moves her head back down and stares at me. “You should have said yes in front of the crowd and then broken off the engagement afterward like a normal person would have.”

“I would never do that to him.”

Cheetah audibly groans. “Ugh. That would definitely have been worse.”

She turns to him. “No, it would have been much better. We could have waited a few weeks or months until the press over the romantic engagement wore off and then quietly issued a press release that you’ve consciously uncoupled.”

I scrunch my face. “I’m not plagiarizing Gwyneth Paltrow in the ending of my fake engagement. I definitely would have come up with something more creative. Maybe relationship ejection?”

Cheetah adds, “Cancelling the joint Netflix account. People would know what that means.”

I nod. “Yes! Something original like that. Maybe that we’ve decided to take our relationship to the previous level.”

Cheetah sits up straight. “Ooh! I’ve got one. Kam bam, you look like a snack. Unfortunately, I’m going on a diet.”

I take his hand in mine. “You remind me of Halley’s comet. I don’t want to see you again for another seventy-six years.”

He winks at me. “Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.”

I bite back my smile, but Reagan narrows her eyes at us. “I’m glad you two think this is so funny. Until today, do you know what video had the most internet views in history?”

Yay, I’m about to learn something new. I love it when that happens.

Cheetah and I both shake our heads.

Reagan replies, “That stupid, fucking Baby Shark video from a few years ago has nearly fourteen billion views.”

My face scrunches. “Ugh. Now that song is going to be in my head for the rest of the day. Worst day ever.”

She pinches her lips into a thin line before asking, “Do you know what video just eclipsed that one when it hit the fourteen billion views mark an hour ago?”

I shrug and smile. “I don’t, but if I had to guess by the context of the question, I’d answer that the video of Cheetah and me is trending.”

She briefly closes her eyes as she nods. “Correct.”

I shrug my shoulders. “From my perspective, we did the world a favor. That shark video was arguably the most annoying thing in the history of the world.”

She sighs. “Well then, congratulations. Your rejection of him has officially knocked off Baby Shark and won the internet. How happy you must be,” she adds sarcastically.

I twist my lips. “Isn’t there an old adage that no publicity is bad publicity?”

She smacks her hand on the table. “Except this. This, Kamryn, is bad. Very fucking bad. How can you be so calm? It could ruin your career.”

I lean back in my chair and place my arms on the armrests. “Maybe my endorsements will go away, but I’m a great softball player. I hit fucking homeruns for breakfast. I make defensive plays that no other shortstop in the world can make. That’s what people should focus on. This kind of meaningless, personal shit blows over. Remember when Kim Kardashian’s sex tape leaked? I’m sure at the time she thought it was the worst thing to ever happen to her. You know what happened? She got her own reality show, makeup line, clothing line, and now has a billion-dollar empire. Most people don’t even remember the sex tape, but that’s the only reason she became famous.”

Cheetah pinches his eyebrows together. “I don’t even remember who the sex tape was with.”

I nod. “Exactly. It was Ray J, Brandy’s brother.”

“Oh right.”

Reagan scoffs. “You two are crazy. I can’t believe we’re having a conversation about Kim Kardashian’s sex tape from nearly twenty years ago.”

I widen my mouth in shock. “Wow. Twenty years? Time flies when you marry and divorce three people all while chronicling it for multiple reality shows.”

Reagan practically pulls her hair as she groans in frustration. I’ve never seen her this worked up. Obviously I know the video went viral. More than viral. I needed an army of security just to leave my apartment this morning. But I’m hopeful the fickle public will have something else to watch in the near future.

Cheetah winks at me. “Maybe we should do a sex tape.”

I perk up with excitement. “Yes, let’s do that. We can put Kim and Ray J to shame with some of the shit we do. Maybe we can pop another waterbed. That will change the topic of conversation.”

Cheetah tries to stifle his smile while Reagan is rubbing her eye sockets, clearly done with both of us.

There’s a knock at the door, and she yells out, “Not now!”

The door opens slightly, and Reagan’s cousin, Jade, pokes the top half of her body inside. I met her once at Quincy’s house. Her boyfriend or husband, I’m not sure which he is, built Quincy’s mansion, and she struck up a friendship with Ripley. She refers to the boyfriend/husband as her baby daddy, which is why I don’t know whether or not they’re married.

Jade looks sexy as hell in her well-fitted hot pink pantsuit. I know she works here, but I have no idea what she does. She’s six feet tall with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a killer figure. She looks like a taller, younger Reagan. She’s probably in her mid-to-late-twenties. Jade is so my type. I can’t help but drink her in. Cheetah notices and simply smiles.

Jade says, “I’ve been thinking about this situation. I’ve come up with a plan that I think could work.”

Reagan leans back again in her oversized leather chair. With a defeated tone, she says, “I guess I’ll take anything right about now.”

Jade walks all the way through the door before closing it behind her. As she approaches us, I notice she’s holding a can of something. It can’t be what it looks like. I must be misreading the name of the drink.

She smiles when she notices me staring at it. “It’s Pussy Juice. It’s a natural energy drink that I like.” Her smile turns mischievous, and her eyes sparkle as she holds it out for me. “Would you like to taste my Pussy Juice, Kamryn?”

I’m sure she’s expecting a flustered response. Button-pushers like her usually do. I guess she doesn’t know me very well.

“I’m bisexual, Jade. And sexy blondes with big tits are exactly my type. So, if that’s an invitation, yes, I would love to taste your Pussy Juice. Cruz likes to watch. He’ll be with me. I hope you don’t mind.”

I wink at Jade, and her face falls. I’m guessing she’s never had that response before.

Reagan starts laughing hysterically. “Oh. My. God. After all these years, someone has finally rendered Jade speechless. You’ve totally redeemed yourself, Kamryn.”

Jade sits down in one of the other chairs before scrunching her face. “Hmm. I’ll admit, I’ve never had that response. Back to the topic at hand though. I think I know how to make this work in our favor.”

Reagan leans forward. “I’m all ears.”

Jade briefly pauses as if choosing her words carefully. “Instead of fighting it, lean into it.”

I ask, “How so?”

She takes a slow, purposeful sip of her Pussy Juice before placing it on Reagan’s desk, much to Reagan’s clear disdain. “I called Francisco Lane this morning.”

Reagan pinches her eyebrows together. “The famous jeweler?”

Jade nods. “Yes. I told him what I was thinking, and he said that he was one hundred percent onboard. He loved my plan.” She reaches into her purse and places five ring boxes on Reagan’s desk. “He just messengered these over. He’ll get Cruz a new batch every week or so for the rest of the month until this hopefully blows over.”

She then goes on to describe what might be the most brilliant plan I’ve ever heard. By the end, Reagan is grinning from ear to ear. “Fucking hell, Jade. That’s perfect. A perfect fucking solution.”

Jade looks at me and thumps her head with her index finger. “I’m not just a sexy blonde with big tits. I’ve got brains too.”

I nod. “I’ll be sure to consider your brains when I’m tasting your Pussy Juice.”

CHEETAH

Okay, the plan is kind of genius. I never would have thought of something like this. The best part of it is that I know Kamryn and I will have an absolute blast with it.

We discussed a few details with Reagan and Jade for another hour before exiting her palace-office. I think my first apartment was smaller than that office.

As we descend to the lobby in the elevator, I look at Kam. “Mamá called last night. She’s an unhappy camper.”

Kam scrunches her face. “Shit. I hadn’t thought about that. What did you tell her?”

“The truth. About everything from last Christmas. That I sprung the fake engagement on you just before she opened the door.”

Her face falls. “You didn’t have to do that. You could have thrown me under the bus.”

“Nah. It was the right thing to do. I shouldn’t have lied in the first place. She was already suspicious since there were no wedding plans in the works. I’m a grown man. It was time to own it. She can’t hate me forever. She just wants me to be happy. I might get the silent treatment for a few weeks, and then we’ll be back in business, but that’s more about me lying than anything else.”

We exit the elevator into the impressive lobby of Reagan’s skyscraper. I ask Kam, “Do you think this will work?”

Her head toggles back and forth with the same uncertainty I’m feeling. “I think it’s super creative and might work but just know that I’m okay if it doesn’t. I truly believe this will eventually blow over. ”

In the past twenty-four hours, I’ve had moments of guilt and moments where I don’t think I did anything wrong. Regardless, I hate that Kam has all the bad press for something I did. It was completely out of her control.

I currently have a small bag with four ring boxes, the fifth being in my front pocket. Nodding toward the glass doors, I say, “It looks like the press is waiting for us.”

They followed Kam and me here this morning separately. Poor Evan was fighting them off in front of my building. It took an obscene amount of time for him to push me through and into a cab. Then it took the cab driver ten minutes to drive through the hordes of reporters blocking his car, trying to get my picture.

Reagan has indefinitely supplied Kam with security, who are all currently following closely behind us. We decided as a group that until this fizzles out, which it hopefully does soon, the security will stay with Kamryn at all times. I have one security guard, but that has to do with the million dollars of jewelry on me, not my personal safety. People feel sorry for me. They hate Kam.

As expected, the press appears to have set up camp outside this building, waiting to see if we’ll exit together. It wasn’t the initial plan for us to be seen together, but the new plan calls for something entirely different. As Jade said, we’re leaning into this. Really leaning into it.

I look at my beautiful girl. “Are you sure about this?”

She shrugs. “Not really, but I suppose it’s worth a shot.” She leans her body into mine and kisses my lips sweetly. “Thanks for what you’re about to do. I love you.”

I kiss her back in the same fashion. “I’d do anything for you because I love you too.”

Taking a deep breath, I grab her hand. “Let’s do it.”

We walk out of the revolving glass doors of the building to absolute and total mayhem. Layton Lancaster has been my best friend for over ten years. For a long time, he was the most popular player in all of baseball. I’m used to the press acting like animals to get photos. But this? This I’ve never seen before.

There are hundreds upon hundreds of flashes going off in our faces. They’re lined up down the entire block. I see all the surrounding rooftops flanked with telephoto lenses. They’re rapid firing questions at us about the status of our relationship.

It’s madness, plain and simple.

I suppose it’s now or never. I’ll do my best to drown out the lights. Hopefully Kamryn can do the same.

As soon as we’re both fully through the door in plain sight of everyone, I turn toward her and drop to one knee. The press all momentarily gasp before the flashes go even more berserk. It’s like a machine gun of flashes in our faces.

I take Kam’s hand in mine. “Kamryn Hart, you are the love of my life. I’ll never stop wanting to marry you.”

Her chin drops as though she’s completely and totally shocked by my actions.

I pull the ring box out of my pocket. I open it in such a manner that the giant ring inside will be easily photographed, which it immediately is. “You are the peanut butter to my jelly. The salt to my pepper. The root beer to my float. The Mary Kate to my Ashley. The Bert to my Ernie. The Thelma to my Louise. The Cagney to my Lacey. The Joey to my Chandler. The Rose to my Jack. And the delicious cream in my morning coffee.” She bites back her smile as I plead, “Please do me the honor of being my forever partner. Marry me.”

She pretends to examine the ring and then yells out, “Is that a Francisco Lane ring?”

I loudly reply, “Why yes, it is. It’s six-point-five carats. Perfect clarity. Princess cut. One of a kind.”

She brings her lips into a tight O as she answers, “Ooh. So tempting, only because of this spectacular ring. And I do love being the Cagney to your Lacey.”

We both smile at each other before she continues, “But no. My answer is still no. I’m more of a loner, like Albert Einstein or Edward Scissorhands. Maybe try again…tomorrow.”

And that’s what happens for the next three months. Every single day that we’re both in the same city, which is just about half the time, I find elaborate, outrageously worded ways to publicly propose to Kamryn. Always with a different Francisco Lane ring and always with an inevitable response of no from Kamryn.

It took less than a week for everyone to assume the first proposal was a huge publicity stunt to set up this marketing campaign for Francisco Lane Jewelry. Analysts are calling it the greatest marketing ploy of all time.

Kam and I have actually been having a blast coming up with crazy ways for me to propose. It’s become a social media phenomenon for people to both catch videos of my multiple public proposals per week and for people to come up with even crazier proposals than the ones we come up with and tag us on their social media. It’s always met by a clever denial from the woman. #ProposeLikeCheetah and #DenyLikeKam are the top two trending hashtags.