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CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

CHEETAH

I t’s been a weird week. Ripley went into severely premature labor out in California. It was touch and go for a while. We were all freaking out.

Coincidentally, Quincy had just arrived in Florida for pitchers and catchers to begin Spring Training. He was with Arizona and Layton when the call about Ripley came in. They all flew out to California to be with her and the baby, who’s currently in the NICU.

Kam and Bailey wanted to fly out right away, but Arizona told them not to come. She told them that only family members were allowed around Ripley and the baby for the next several weeks. She encouraged them to visit once both were completely out of the woods. Kam and Bailey have been a mess about it. I did my best to distract Kam, and I know Tanner has been doing the same for Bailey.

Tonight was our last dance class. I leave tomorrow to go to Florida for five weeks of Spring Training .

Kam and I are in bed, breathing heavily after an amazing round of animalistic sex. I’m going to miss her.

The thoughts of hotel-room phone sex are running through my mind when she turns to me. “I guess that was our grand finale. It’s been a good run, kitten.”

She pats my legs in an almost condescending manner.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Our dance classes are over. You’ll be in Florida for over a month, and then your crazy season begins. I know there will be women all over you. Pussy on a platter. We’ve had fun this off-season, but things will change once you’re in season. At some point, my season will begin too.”

“It doesn’t mean we have to stop seeing each other.”

She shakes her head. “I know what hot, single professional baseball players do on the road, kitten. It’s cool. I have needs too. We can hook up now and then when we’re both around and feel like it. We can still be friends with benefits.”

Friends with benefits? We’re more than that. We’ve been in a real relationship for months, and she knows it. How can she be so cavalier, like what we’ve shared means nothing?

I look at her in disbelief. “Why are you doing this? We have a good thing going.”

“Doing what? It’s a flingationship, remember?”

It’s not like I don’t know that Kamryn Hart is damaged, but I thought we broke through some barriers. I thought she knew we were more than ordinary. On one hand, I knew this was coming, but on the other, I’m finding it hard to believe that she can be so fucking cold.

I simply turn my head and stoically respond, “Right. My bad. I knew what we were.”

I can feel her get out of bed and hear her starting to get dressed. I snap my head. “What are you doing? ”

“You have an early flight, and I’ve got a test to study for. I’m going to head out.” She leans over and kisses my cheek. “Thanks for a fun few months. This was my favorite off-season ever.”

KAMRYN

Yep, I was a fucking asshole last night. He deserved more than the cool send-off I gave him. I did it for him. He should fuck whoever he wants, and I knew he wouldn’t if I asked for more. I’m not sure I’m ready to give more, so how can I ask that of him? I’m too fucked up. He’s such a great guy. I truly want him to find someone who can give him all the things I’m incapable of giving him or anyone else.

I’ve thought a lot about our conversations over the past few months. It felt good to open up to someone for the first time in my life. It was like some of the burdens I’ve carried lightened.

It took several weeks for me to finally work up the courage to set up this appointment, but I did. I decided to wait until Cheetah was gone for Spring Training. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel about it, and I don’t want him around asking questions and pushing me to talk about things I’m not sure I want to talk about.

Yes, I understand that it’s because he cares, but I need to do this on my own. I need to fix myself before I can ever consider making myself available to anyone. The fact that it’s even crossing my mind is progress for me.

The last thing I want is to string him along. If he finds someone else in the meantime, so be it.

My sister is tied up in all things Tanner Montgomery right now. She finally started giving me details about their relationship. She’s in love with him, and I’m terrified of what that means. She told me he doesn’t ever want to get married again or have more kids. She assured me that she can handle casual if that’s truly what he wants, but she thinks he wants more, and I’m scared for her. This is headed toward heartbreak. I can feel it.

I’ve done a few modeling shoots this off-season, but nothing too crazy. With my sister out of the house so much, Cheetah now gone, and Ripley and Arizona in California, it’s leaving me time for school and to focus on myself.

My sister is at Tanner’s house when I open my laptop and click on the Zoom link at the allocated time. A woman in her fifties immediately appears. She’s well put together in nice caramel-colored slacks and a cream-colored cardigan sweater. She’s wearing pearl earrings and a matching pearl necklace. It looks like she raided Barbara Bush’s wardrobe, but she’s attractive, with short dark hair that has a sprinkling of gray interspersed throughout.

It appears as though she’s sitting at a big desk with a bunch of framed degrees hanging in the background. I googled her after Cheetah gave me her name and number. She’s widely considered the best in her field with regard to the specialty of parental abandonment. Her reviews were off the charts. Cheetah researched this thoroughly when finding her for me.

She smiles. “Hi, Kamryn. I’m Dr. Chastity Pearl. Most patients call me Dr. Pearl, but you can call me whatever you want as long as it’s something nice.”

I let out a small laugh. Dr. Pearl has a little personality. I like that. “Hi, Dr. Pearl. I’m Kamryn Hart.” My hands fidget a bit. “I’m…umm…a little nervous about this.”

She gives me a reassuring smile. “That’s perfectly okay. Everyone feels that way at the beginning. I just want to get to know you today and for you to get to know me. Have you ever spoken with a therapist before?”

I shake my head. “No. Never. ”

“Well, you’ve taken a very brave step in being here. I commend you for that. I understand that you’re a professional athlete?”

I nod. “Yes, I play softball for the Philly Anacondas.”

Her face lights up. “I did a little research. You’re quite an impressive young lady. Many personal and team accomplishments. Everything I read says you’re a shoo-in for the next Olympic team. That must be fulfilling.”

“It is. Softball has always been my happy place.”

“Have you played your whole life?”

I can’t help but shiver at the memories of what it took to finally be allowed to play softball. “No, I didn’t start until middle school.” I tell her everything about how our mother forced us into modeling and how it left little time for the things we wanted to do.

She listens intently before placing a file down and picking up a notepad and pen. “I read through all your intake forms, but why don’t you tell me in your own words why we’re here and what you hope to gain.”

I exhale a long breath as I consider an answer. “You know from my answers that I had a severely strained relationship with my mother.” I mumble, “More than strained.”

“She’s now passed, right?”

“Yes. It’s been a little over a month.”

“And it had been ten years since you last saw her, correct?”

“Yes. I want to be clear. I’m not here questioning my feelings about her. She was a disgusting person, and I have no remorse over removing her from my life. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the best decision I’ve ever made, and I don’t regret it at all. Even after her death, I don’t regret not mending fences. Those fences fucking blew away in the storm and were beyond repair.”

She pinches her eyebrows together before flipping open a file as if she’s looking for something. “Yet I see here that you’re an insomniac. Do you think there’s some part of you that wishes you had made peace with her before she passed? ”

I shake my head. “No. I don’t sleep because I have nightmares about something she did, not because I longed to have my mother back in my life or was sad that she wasn’t a part of it. I’m damaged by the things she did to me and my sister. That’s what I’d love to one day get past so I can consider a more normal life.”

Figuring I’m here for one reason, I go on to tell her about that day when I was ten. She attempts to mask her shock and disgust, but I see it. It’s there. How could it not be?

“And you’re sure that you overheard things as you mentioned?”

“Yes. I’ve questioned it a lot throughout the years because sometimes my nightmares take on a different form, a different version of that night, but the core events happened as I stated. I’m absolutely certain that I heard those parts of the conversation just as I relayed them to you. I went back and found that man about to go into my sister’s dressing room. There’s no good reason for a grown man to be alone in a dressing room with a ten-year-old girl.”

“And you’ve never shared what happened that night with your sister, father, or anyone else, even after all these years?”

“My father and sister don’t know. I never told them.”

“Why?” She looks down at the folder. “You’ve indicated that you’re close with both, particularly your sister. Why haven’t you confided in them?”

I twist my lips. “I didn’t tell my sister to protect her. Why should she suffer the same fate as me? The same nightmares and anxiety. As for my father…I guess I’m not sure why I never told him. I suppose I was afraid he wouldn’t believe me.”

“Is that an issue? Him not believing you?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“In all these years, you haven’t told another living soul? That’s a lot to bear.”

I blow out a breath as Cheetah’s face pops into my mind. “The only person before today that I’ve ever spoken to about it is the man I occasionally spend time with, and that was recently. He’s the one who found you and suggested I reach out.”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

Isn’t that a loaded question.

I pinch my lips together. “I don’t do boyfriends or girlfriends. Not in over a decade. I want to shoot straight with you, Dr. Pearl. That’s why I’m here. I’ve always lived a promiscuous lifestyle. I sleep around with men and women. A lot. Interpersonal connections are not something I’m interested in. I struggle with them.”

“Do you have friends?”

I nod. “Yes. I have an amazing circle of friends, and as you know, my sister is my best friend in the world.”

“So you don’t struggle across the board with interpersonal connections. You struggle with intimate connections.”

I’m not sure if that’s a statement or a question. “I suppose that’s a better word choice. Intimacy is hard for me. I don’t like to let people in, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone since I don’t think a normal, traditional family is in my future.”

“Yet this man cares enough to have searched for me, and you heeded his advice by contacting me?”

I kind of like that she’s challenging me. I’m not sure what I was expecting from today, but this isn’t it.

I nod in agreement. “I know. He’s my friend too. Yes, I’ve seen him more than most, but I’ve always been clear about what we can and can’t be. He understands my inner turmoil more than anyone. It’s not like I have this strong desire to be fucked up.”

“We’re all fucked up in our own ways, Kamryn. Me included.”

Hearing someone who appears prim and proper curse strikes me as funny.

The corners of her mouth turn up in obvious amusement. “See, you assumed that someone who looks like me would never curse, yet I just did.”

I smile and nod .

She scribbles something on her pad before looking back up at me. “Let’s save our chat about him for another day. I want to know why you’re here. In your own words, not why someone else thinks you need to be here. What do you hope to gain?”

I take another deep breath. “Honestly? I’m not sure I know the answer myself. He got me to admit something recently that I had never considered. He was pushing and pushing until I blurted out that I sleep around to numb the pain. Until that moment, in my mind, I’d always felt I do it because I like the freedom it brings. I don’t see myself with a normal future. I never have.”

“That’s the third time you’ve used that word. What is it you think normal entails?”

“Marriage. Kids. The whole fucking princess fairy tale that’s been shoved down our throats by society for all of time.”

She gives a slow, knowing smile. “I have a lot of opinions on fairy tales, Kamryn, and none of them are good. I agree. Society has us trained to believe there’s only one happily ever after, but that’s not true.”

I shrug, “I think Sleeping Beauty and all the Disney princesses would disagree.”

She places her pen down and looks me right in the eyes with extreme conviction. “Let’s discuss what your princesses all really wanted. Cinderella wanted to get away from a shitty family situation and go to a party. It was the prince who wanted marriage. Ariel wanted to travel the world and see new things. It was the prince who wanted to get married. Belle wanted to study. Books and education were her dream. It was the beast who wanted marriage. None of these women ever mentioned wanting your,” she air quotes, “ normal marriage. Yet it’s considered a happy ending?” She tsks. “I don’t think any of those stories have happy endings. None of the women got what they actually wanted. If they were stronger, like you, perhaps they would have gotten a real happily ever after. Real meaning what they wanted, not what someone else wanted. ”

My mouth drops and I breathe out, “What in the actual fuck?”

She continues, “In the words of Coco Chanel, ‘ A woman should be who and what she wants’ . Don’t let anyone tell you what you’re supposed to want, Kamryn. If you want marriage and a family, good for you. You should have that. If you don’t, that’s okay too. Do what makes you happy. I think you need to figure out what it is, but your version of happy is the real happily ever after for Kamryn Hart.”

I can only blink, completely flabbergasted by her insights. I’m at a total loss for words.

“I’ve shocked you.”

I nod. “You have. And I promise you that it’s not an easy thing to do. I’m usually the one shocking people, not the other way around.”

She smiles in satisfaction. “I’m glad I have your attention. Now that we’ve established that individuals have different definitions of fairy tales, can you tell me what your ideal future would look like?”

“Being the best aunt ever to my sister’s future kids. She’s the most maternal woman I know. She’s destined to have a dozen kids. I’ll be the fun spinster aunt. I’ll probably be living above her garage with my fifteen dogs and cats. Hopefully I won’t have droopy boobs.”

“Is that what you think your future entails or what you want it to entail?”

I chew my lower lip as I contemplate her words before answering honestly. “I suppose I don’t know.”

She nods. “That was an honest answer. Thank you for giving it to me.”

“I have nothing to gain by not being honest with you.”

“You’d be surprised how many sessions it takes people to realize that.” She looks at her watch. “Unfortunately, our time is up for today. ”

I look at the clock on my computer. How the hell did an hour already pass? It felt like five minutes.

“Oh. Okay. Well, thank you for your time.”

“Thank you for opening up to me. I’d love to see you again. You have my online scheduler. I don’t like to push. The ball is in your court.”

It takes me all of five seconds after we end the call to set up weekly appointments with her for the next two months.