Page 17 of Of Nightmares & Fire (Elusive Umbra #1)

Chapter seventeen

Astraea

My father’s lessons were paying off, though I’m not sure what he meant by that…

If he wanted me scared and cowering, he wouldn’t have said it that way.

He always said he wanted me to be strong, but I just assumed that only meant to appear that way.

Lies of strength, just as he always showed.

Every time I actually showed what I would call strength, I would receive another punishment…

yet now I have the spine my mother never had because I slapped him?

It didn’t save me from another punishment, though.

The mirror in the bathing chamber is fogged with steam from my overly warm bath.

The hot water was healing all in itself to my aching muscles and bruised skin, but it did nothing to ease my wandering mind.

I knew my father was cruel, but I guess all of these years he was holding back.

To my friend’s misfortune, I found that out the hard way.

He punished me first by making me watch them—the torture in Kellan’s eyes as he whipped a woman who he knew didn’t deserve the punishment, and the raw agony on Colette’s face…

I need to talk to Kellan to let him know I don’t blame him for what he did.

If he had refused, he would be dead. I have no doubts that my father would have him strung up immediately for refusing an order.

Looking over the bruises I endured was nothing compared to what they must be feeling.

My father’s switch has marked my skin many times over; this part was nothing new.

When I made the decision to leave the castle, it was easy, but I didn’t think of what would happen to those who were meant to be protecting me.

What it would cost, and that will forever be my debt to pay.

My reckless decision was the reason at least five people were dead, and two of the closest people I have in my life have been tortured for the connection.

The dress laid out on my bed when I return to my bedchamber is the palest lilac.

The evening sun creates a stunning effect on the mixed metal accents of silver and rose gold as I move it about.

Its intricate lacing around the high back bodice is likely a deliberate choice to mask the marks that have been brandished on my skin there.

Along with wide, bell translucent sleeves to hide where I fell to the ground and split the skin on my elbows.

In the center is a panel that is a strike of muted plum and deepens in color at the bottom.

It’s a beautiful lie to hide the ugly truth.

Even though people oftentimes see beyond the mask, to the scars underneath, they still smile and compliment the facade of beauty.

It’s as though the allure is enough to outweigh the poison living within.

I slip into the dress and pull the front ribbons tight before securing my hair in the coiffed up-do’s my father demands of me.

I paint on a deep wine lip stain and pinch my cheeks, although with the amount I have been crying, there is no real need.

My cheeks are raw and pink from the steady flow of tears anyway.

As I make my way to the door, my eyes snag on the cloak laying over the back of my chaise and the rip in the fabric at the bottom.

Likely caused when Kyros snatched it in an attempt to keep me from running.

At least there is hope that I saved them from my father’s wrath.

Hopefully now that the rain has stopped and the desert is once again dry and barren, they are well on their way out of the city.

After leaving the dune port as quickly as possible, Kyros said whatever they were doing was of utmost importance anyway. They must have left right away.

Rubbing the fabric between my fingers, an idea begins forming, and the longer I look at the worn linen cloak, the more I know I need to act on it.

Night has fully settled over Eathian, so it won’t look entirely out of place for a woman to be walking around with a cloak on.

Though much further into spring, that wouldn’t be the case.

Right now the night brings a chill that the lingering warmth from the sun can’t even chase away.

Pulling the cloak over my shoulders, I secure the clasp at my throat, concealing the fancy dress underneath with its bland exterior.

Pulling the hood over my head, I peek through into the chambermaids’ pathways between the walls, and when I see no one, I slip inside.

Only those with access to the royal chambers can use these passages, but that means men and women who are loyal to my father too.

My breath is frozen in my lungs the whole way to the healing quarters.

I have to hold onto the hope that Colette was taken to the healers.

If she was taken to the dungeons, there is no way I am getting to her.

I’m nearly to the turn I need to enter the wing when someone steps into the passage right in front of me.

The man’s hand comes out, covering my mouth and pressing me into the wall.

My eyes round as my mind turns frantic. Maybe my father does have a point.

He has many enemies that would gladly see my head removed for the terrors he has unleashed on the kingdom.

A whimper escapes past his hand, but he isn’t looking at me.

He's looking over his shoulder toward where he just came from.

It's too dark to make out any features on him.

All I can tell is that he is taller than me, which doesn't mean anything.

“Shhh shhh shh,” he says when he finally turns his head back toward me. I can barely make out the profile of his face. “I’m going to remove my hand; be quiet, please.” My heart sinks when I recognise his voice.

“Kellan?” His name is a relief on my lips.

“Astraea? What are you doing here? You can’t be here.” He tries to turn my body around and force me to go in the direction I came, but I plant my feet .

“I have to see her. I have to know she's okay. Kellan, please .” I feel him flinch behind me.

“She’s okay. I was just there checking on her.

I’m so sorry. I didn’t have any other choice.

You have to know that I would have never done it if I had another choice.

” I turn around to face him, and he stops trying to push me away.

Instead, he is pulling me closer. Holding onto me as though I am what is keeping him on the ground.

I lift my hand and let it run along his jaw.

“Oh, Kellan, I know that. I promise I do.”

“He threatened my family for stepping in yesterday. Said my punishment was to dole out punishment to someone with a far worse crime. I had no idea it would have to be Colette when I agreed. Not that I had much of a choice. You know as well as me, if I had refused, we both would have been dead.” His voice cracks with the emotion it's holding back. The pained expression on his face is enough to show me his desperation. He’s right.

It was probably better that Kellan was the one who did the whipping, even if it wrecked him at a soul level…

I believe that deep down, he knows he saved more than his family with the act.

“I need to see her before I can face him again.” I say imploringly.

“There are other guards. I had to lie to get close to one of the healers in order to slip a jar of salve in their hand. There is no way you won't be noticed. I’m sorry, Princess. You need to turn around.” I take a deep breath, accepting his words.

He’s right. If there are guards, I would surely be spotted right away, and that would only end badly for Cole .

“You brought a healing salve into the palace? Even after everything yesterday?” I ask.

“I had to. I tried to be easy on her, but the amount of lashes he ordered… after a certain point, it doesn’t make a difference how easy you are.

Skin begins to slough off.” His fingers push into the hood of my cloak, just into my hairline behind my ear, and normally, especially in times when my father has been particularly cruel, I would welcome the touch.

However, I feel as though in the time since I left the castle, things have changed; I have changed.

His hand pauses, and I know he noticed my hesitance.

“You promise she is okay?” I ask him.

“You have my word, Princess Astraea.” He takes a step back.

“Please return to the royal wing. Forget you saw me here, and please don’t come back.

She will be released if there is no hold on her outside of her punishment at the post. Otherwise she would have been taken to the dungeons.

” He's right, and although he likely can't see me, I nod my agreement.

“I'm sorry, you know?” He asks, and I pause mid-turn. “For everything. We should have never—”

“Don’t speak it,” I interrupt. “You know as well as I, it was bound to happen. Perhaps in another life we could have been something other than a few shared moments.”

“Maybe,” he whispers, and then we both flinch as the click of boots on sandstone approaches quickly from behind Kellan.

He pushes me forward. “You can't be seen here, especially not with me. Go .” I turn without another word and rush all the way back to my bedchamber.

When I exit, I press my back against the narrow wooden door and slide down, sitting with my head hung toward my knees.

My whole life I have been a prisoner in my own home.

Every decision I have ever made has inevitably been made for me.

I don’t know that Kellan and I would have ever come together had I not been his ward.

The first people I have met out of my own decision-making were Mavros, Zinya, and Kyros.

Even they didn’t have much choice but to endure me because of the storm.

A tear tracks down my face. One day I wish to have a choice in my life. One day I would like to be chosen for more than my title, for more than my looks. I want to be seen .