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Chapter Forty-six

Asteria

When I’d found out Calix was my mate, I never imagined meeting his parents. They’d been long dead, and thus, there was no need to fret about impressing them.

I never expected to run into them in the Otherworld .

Meeting who was essentially my in-laws was wild. They were wild, but in the best kind of way.

Calix had told me all about his parents. His lovely, caring mother who lost her life in the birthing bed, bringing Liviana into this world. His father, lost and miserable and half dead already after losing his mate, had chased battle after battle, hoping to be reunited with her and leaving Calix with all the responsibility of the kingdom and house Erebus itself on his shoulders.

Had I thought about it, I would have had mixed feelings about his father for that. But after meeting him, there was no way not to forgive. The difference between how Calix described him post-Jemisha’s death and the man I met after being reunited with her was like two different people.

His mother was adorable and quite funny, and I could see by watching Jemisha and Orion together exactly why he was so lost without her. They were like a set, and one couldn’t exist without the other.

Seeing Calix able to find a measure of peace with their loss was more than enough to justify this trip in my mind. Whatever horrors we’d already faced or may be waiting ahead, it was worth it to see that weight taken off his shoulders.

But thinking of what the loss of his mate did to Orion made fear for the future rise within me. I immediately tried to push it down, but remembered how Calix’s interpreted me doing that just as quickly. I didn’t want to cut him off, but I needed to find a way to bury those fears.

I clutched his hand tightly as we walked into the field of white flowers, his parents getting smaller and smaller as we moved further away.

“How are you doing, my dorchadas?” I asked him quietly, squeezing his hand to let him know I was there for him. I carefully watched my steps, following the small dirt path that wound through the flowers.

He let loose a heavy breath, shaking his head. “I have no?—”

I looked over as he cut off, and found him staring into the field of flowers.

“Calix?” I asked hesitantly.

“ Asteria .” A voice called, and my head whipped to the right, finding…

“Mom?” My voice wobbled as I found my mother, my human mother, standing in the field. Her curly brown hair swayed in the wind as she opened her arms.

“ Come here, my little star, ” she said, smiling brightly. My foot moved to step in her direction, but Calix’s hand in mine kept me from moving.

“It’s not real.” He shook his head firmly. “Whoever you’re seeing, it’s not real. Remember what my parents said? Don’t step off the path.”

Understanding hit me through the fog my mother’s presence had brought.

“What are they then?” I asked, Calix hurrying us forward through the field of white flowers.

“Figments. Guardians, maybe.” He pondered. “Lethe flowers in myth were used to help ease pain and erase traumatic memories. They featured in a myth where Arawn offered them to a girl whose life was so painful, she was unable to find peace, even in the afterlife.”

Huh. The more I learned about the Otherworld and the myths of the Fae, the crazier it all seemed. Even more so because it was apparently all true .

“ Asteria …” I tried to ignore the call of my father’s voice, my fingers tightening until surely even Calix felt the strain.

“Who did you see?” I asked him, trying to distract myself. I looked up to find his jaw locked and teeth grinding as he pointedly kept his eyes on the path.

“Liv, the first time. Then Titan,” he admitted. “But as long as we don’t pay attention and stay on the path, we’ll be fine.”

I nodded, winding my arm around his fully as I clung to him, anchoring myself to reality. It wasn’t hard; he was distracting at the best of times. I had yet to find another person who could command a room as Calix did. He was not just charismatic, but magnetic.

I felt immensely lucky he was mine .

His gorgeous face and body were honestly the least of it. He was protective yet wild, kind but ferocious—everything I never thought I would have.

While Cyrus had been nothing but a pretty face hiding a rotten soul inside, Calix managed to have a soul as beautiful as the rest of him.

I gasped as I spotted the end of the field of flowers a ways ahead. “There’s the end! We’re almost there.”

“Thank Nox,” he groused, and I giggled. The apparitions had not let up, constantly calling for us as we walked through the field. I’d been distracted with thoughts of Calix, but they were still quite annoying after a while.

We made our way out of the field, and I turned to look up at him. “What did they say was next again?”

“Chroi Oscailt Cavern,” he responded, lips twisting as he thought over his parent’s warning. “Mother said to use our hearts, and all would be revealed.”

“Ugh, what is that supposed to mean ?” I whined, my head tipping back, completely done with the cryptic messages. Why couldn’t anyone just give a straight answer?

Calix chuckled deeply, smirking at me. “Something tells me we’ll figure it out when we get there. I see a mountain ahead; it must be through there.”

I sighed, my head crashing into his bicep as we walked on. He leaned down and kissed the top of my head, whispering encouragement as we made our way forward.

Approaching the mountain, we found the entrance to a cave system that seemed to run underneath it. Standing maybe twenty feet tall, the entrance was a rounded arch of rock, leading to nothing but black nothingness.

I summoned my starlight, using it to light the darkness within. It revealed a tunnel full of sparkling gold and silver. There were runes written on the walls in the same glowing silver I’d seen in Tairngire Palace, but just as many were done in a glowing gold as well.

“What are these? They’re so similar to the ones at the palace,” I asked Calix, whose eyebrows were furrowed as he read them. I was so jealous. I had to learn to read the ancient Fae language.

“They’re instructions, or pieces of advice, perhaps,” he spoke softly as he moved closer, reading the next lines of runes. “This one says: ‘An open heart is only smart. A closed heart leads to rot.’ They’re all variations on the theme.”

“What in the Otherworld?” I murmured, a bit concerned about what we were walking into. He looked back at me as I crossed my arms, rubbing my hands over my arms as anxiety got the best of me.

“My réalta,” he whispered, grabbing my waist and pulling me toward him. “It’s going to be okay.”

“How do you know? What if we end up stuck here forever and leave Cyrus to do whatever he wants in Celesterra?” I worried, digging my nails into his sides.

“Because.” He smiled slowly, a smug look in his eyes. “When it comes to us, we can accomplish anything together. I’ve told you before—you’re a force of nature, love. There’s nothing you can’t do. I’ll just hang along for the ride.” He winked.

I huffed a breath of laughter, shaking my head fondly as I leaned in to kiss him. I relished the feeling for a moment before pulling back, resting my chin on his chest.

“Fine, let’s do this.” I nodded, and he pulled me along through the cave. An echoing sound reached our ears, and we both perked up, walking faster, my starlight illuminating the way.

My breath caught as the cave opened up into a massive cavern. The space was huge... and entirely missing a floor, except for a few tall rock pieces, reaching high enough to be floor height, but scattered too far to jump to.

“What in Tartarus?” Calix muttered, looking around for any indication of what to do. He turned to the wall, where more runes in glowing gold awaited.

“Love is the most precious commodity in all the realms,” he read, his finger following along the script carved into the rock. “To create a path across the Chroi Oscailt Cavern, open your heart and speak the truth of it.”

“Oh-kay…” I drew the word out dramatically, getting a smirk and an eye roll from Calix before he moved to stand along the edge of the great drop before us. He groaned, his head dropping back for a moment and distracting me with the length of his neck.

“I suppose flying would be considered cheating, which I know the gods aren’t too fond of. They obviously want us to go through these tests for a reason. We should probably just try saying what’s in our hearts?” He ventured, looking around before sighing.

I watched warily, not at all liking the conceit of this little trial. My heart was mine, so why did I have to open it for this stupid cavern?

“I’m afraid that after over four hundred years of waiting,” Calix started quietly, “I’m going to lose you before I even truly have the chance to have you.”

A loud rumble began, the ground shaking below our feet. Calix quickly reached over to help steady me until the shaking stopped, and we looked up to find a large flat-topped rock had risen, creating the start of a bridge over the cavern.

I laughed incredulously. “It worked!”

I threw my arms around him, hugging him in my exuberance, before what I’d have to do really hit me. I swallowed hard, pulling back to look at him. Those lilac eyes always entranced me, and I found myself looking into them for strength.

“I’m afraid that…” I began, before closing my eyes. The sight of his face becoming too much for me. “I’m afraid that you’re going to be taken from me. I’ve never been allowed to have something of my own. Something I knew I could keep. I’m terrified that Cyrus, or our positions, or something else, is going to prevent me from keeping you. That all of this will be a quick flash of happiness before you’re torn away from me, taking my heart with you.”

The loud rumble was all but ignored as Calix pulled me into him, using his fingers to lift my chin and making me open my eyes. I found nothing but warm understanding in his eyes, making me release a breath of relief.

“This is why you’ve been pulling away?” he asked quietly, his eyes swimming with color.

“I didn’t mean to,” I admitted. “I was partly trying to… trying to prepare myself, I guess. And…”

“And what?” he urged me, his head dipping down so his forehead pressed to mine.

I gripped onto him for dear life.

“I felt like I was filled with all these chaotic emotions, and I couldn’t control a damn one. I know I’m supposed to bring balance back to Celesterra, but how am I supposed to do that when I’m full of chaos myself?” I asked desperately. “How am I going to do any of this when chaos and rage drive me on? I felt like I needed to close those emotions off. I didn’t mean to close you off in the process.”

We ignored the rumble in the background, as if the ground wasn’t shaking beneath our very feet.

“My réalta,” he whispered, a tortured note in his voice. “It’s perfectly normal to feel like that when you’ve had so many changes in your life. That doesn’t mean you can’t restore the balance. It doesn’t mean I’m going to be torn away. It’s just a matter of getting used to your new life. But closing yourself off won’t get you anywhere. You think I haven’t tried that?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, whisper quiet.

“After my parents died, I was a mess. With the weight of the kingdom and all its expectations, having to raise my sisters, all the women who wanted me for all the wrong reasons,” he said, making me growl slightly at the thought. He chuckled at my reaction, cupping my cheeks and making me look him in the eyes.

“I was filled with nothing but chaos inside, and I tried to shut it all down and not feel anything instead,” he explained, the Aurora slowly dancing in his eyes. “All it did was bottle up the pain until it came raging out in an explosion of epic proportions.”

I raised a brow at him, and he shook his head slowly. “Trust me, it was a disaster.”

“So what? I should try to feel all those emotions? How am I supposed to lead anyone that way?” I was sure that uncorking everything inside of me would lead to a catastrophe the likes of which had never been seen before.

“One day at a time,” he said firmly. “You get up, you feel whatever you need to, you do whatever you need to, and you take it as it comes.”

“You make it sound so easy,” I complained, and he laughed softly.

“I have had centuries more practice, to be fair.” He smiled, and I couldn’t help my giggle as I slapped his shoulder.

“Old man.” I teased him. He scowled at me before leaning in to tickle the spot where my neck met my shoulder, making me squeal and pull away. His bright laughter in response made me glare at him, but I couldn’t help the smile trying to fight its way out.

“I love you, Asteria,” he said once he’d sobered. “And I don’t care how long it takes for you to come to terms with this, to know that what’s between us will last; I’ll keep waking up and reminding you of it every day.”

I tried to form a response, but my mouth opened and closed uselessly as my heart roared in my ears.

He stepped even closer and took my hands in his. “And I don’t care if it takes years for you to say it. To feel like you can . Because you’re worth every moment of the wait.”

A loud rumble sounded, and I looked up with tear-filled eyes to see the bridge had filled in completely. I looked back at Calix, and he wiped away one of my escaped tears with a smile.

“Come on.” He stepped out onto the bridge, and I followed him across. I had no idea what to say after his words. I wanted so badly to be able to verbalize my feelings, but that pressing weight of fear had my tongue caught in a trap.

He may be willing to remind me every day that he would be there, but it didn’t stop the fear inside knowing that he didn’t control our fate any more than I did. He could be taken away—and loving him meant the chances of that only increased.

Love may be only for the Fae, but I wasn’t any usual Fae.

* * *

When we made our way out from under the mountain, we came to the portal that surely led back to Tartarus. The portal, full of black liquid smoke, flickered before us, and we both looked to one another with a nod, before stepping through.

We emerged from the portals to dark skies rolling above a river of fire. The flames flickered over every inch of the water, and I didn’t see a way around it. The fiery water continued in every direction, except for the dead-end path back to the portal.

“This must be the Styx,” Calix observed, looking around the area. “We need to cross, but we can’t use our wings or touch the water.”

“How in Tartarus are we supposed to do that?” I asked, exasperated at all these riddles. I would never get used to swearing on the place we currently walked through either. It was beyond strange.

“I have no idea,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. “If we can’t fly over it, and we can’t swim through it, then…”

He trailed off, his eyes lighting up as he began walking the bank of the river.

“Calix?” I asked, brows raised.

“The only other way across would be a boat,” he murmured. “There must be one around here, right?”

“How exactly would a boat help when the entire river is on fire?” I called to him, my brows creasing.

“If there’s one around, it must mean there’s a way,” he responded, clearly sure of his idea.

I shrugged, not seeing any other option, and we both looked up and down the banks. Finally, Calix shouted, “Found it!”

I rushed over to find him pulling a small boat out of the weeds along the bank. There was a long pole inside the boat, along with a long, sharp spear. We both looked at one another with questions in our eyes, turning to face the raging flames before us.

Calix put the boat on the fiery water, and I cringed, expecting it to burst into flame itself. Instead, a path appeared through the flames, leaving the water completely clear on the winding path through.

“Come on, my dorchadas, we might as well.” I shrugged, jumping into the boat.

He looked unsure, despite this being his idea, as he glanced between me and the flames. He sighed long-sufferingly, making me grin, but he got in the damn boat. He even grabbed the long pole, sticking it into the water and pushing us off.

I sucked in a breath as the boat veered toward the flames, but Calix used the pole to direct us away, my shoulders dropping in relief.

“What, do you doubt my skills, my réalta?” Calix smirked, looking down at me from where he stood, balancing with the wooden seat between his legs as he directed us down the winding path.

I couldn’t help but laugh, shaking my head. “Far be it from me to ever doubt your skills .”

The look he gave me was as scorching as the heat from the flames surrounding us. I bit my lip, pressing my legs together as I wished we were literally anywhere else.

It was a vivid reminder of a time when I couldn’t touch him. It was still hard to believe he was mine to touch as much as I pleased. And I pleased… quite a lot.

But instead, I was forced to keep my hands to myself as he guided us down the river. The echo of screams reached us, the agony in them sending shivers down my spine. It was easy to forget where we were. We’d mostly been in relatively safe and somewhat empty areas, but there was a wide realm out there full of souls enjoying their eternal damnation.

Souls of those that deserved it, I reminded myself.

And soon, Cyrus would be joining them.

That thought brightened my spirits considerably. We were here for a reason, one that would help lead to exactly that outcome. We just needed to get through this journey, and then we could take the fight to that monster.

And I could finally repay him for every single thing he did. I tried not to cringe, remembering it, my breath coming a bit faster and earning a concerned look from my mate. I waved him off, dropping my head down to breathe slowly. Willing the images of Cyrus on top of me to disappear.

I gulped, the sound of my dress ripping open echoing in my ears, along with Tavarius’s screams. He would pay. I repeated that to myself over and over, until rage replaced the hurt and despair. Until I felt my blood heat and the magic in my veins rise in the air around me.

“Asteria,” Calix said softly, a hand landing on my shoulder. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

I gasped, embarrassed, as I realized Calix had felt all of that. I opened my mouth to apologize, but he shook his head sadly, bringing me in for a hug. I put my arms around his waist, breathing in the calming scent of night and fire.

But as the boat rocked, we quickly pulled apart, watching as a bout of flame appeared before us. The heat of the flames was nearly suffocating, and I coughed as sweat began to bead across my forehead. Calix cursed, moving us quickly to the left, where another path had simultaneously opened. Sweat rolled down my back, and I looked back to see the distance between us and the fire increasing. I sighed in relief, but that was too close a call.

As we continued down the new path, we watched as the flames began to move once again. This time, two paths opened, like a fork in the road, as the one before us closed. We looked at each other in concern, trying to figure out what we needed to do to get past this. I couldn’t figure out what the test was here, but there had to be something to this.

“Maybe the one that leads toward the other side of the river?” I suggested carefully.

“It could be, or it could be another false path,” Calix said, clearly concerned, his jaw working back and forth. The boat rocked hard, and we both swayed back and forth, grabbing onto the edge of the boat to steady ourselves.

“What was that?” Calix murmured, lilac eyes surveying the water carefully. But we’d apparently been still too long, and the flames began to close in on us.

“Fuck,” I whispered, turning to Calix with wide eyes. He grabbed the pole and sent us sloshing forward, turning toward the path that seemed to lead toward the other side of the Styx, instead of away from it—hopefully, anyway.

Flames flickered before us, as more paths began to appear in the water. They cut across the water in random bursts, until an entire maze of flames rose before us. My breathing picked up, but my eyes were forced elsewhere as I heard a strange sound from the water. I looked to the right just in time to go flying backward as the boat rocked to the left. I cursed as I hit the side, but just caught the end of a serpentine tail flicking out of the water before it disappeared.

As I righted myself in the boat, a loud splash echoed before a creature suddenly emerged from the murky depths, screaming loudly. Its long, pale green body was indeed serpentine, with wide, orange frills on each side of its head that flared out as it screamed. Its eyes were pure black, and its mouth was full of sharp, jagged teeth, perfect for ripping and tearing.

I ducked down to fumble for the spear at the bottom of the boat. The serpent’s teeth clashed together instead of getting my flesh, and Calix’s long pole swung into it, hitting it in its midsection and causing it to scream once more before diving back into the water.

“What in Tartarus?” I panted, hefting the spear into my hand.

“Stay ready, that thing definitely isn’t done,” Calix instructed, his eyes surveying the water darkly. He was practically bristling, and I knew he wouldn’t move an inch until the threat to me was taken care of.

“I will, but you need to get us moving.” I insisted sternly. “You focus on steering like a good boy, and I’ll take care of fighting the brutal river monster.” I smiled cheekily, but he wasn’t having it, his eyes narrowing at me.

“Asteria—”

“I can take care of it,” I promised, grabbing his hand. “Trust me.”

“Always.” He sighed at my plea, a small smile forming. “I just can’t help but worry about you.”

“Well, worry about getting us over this river,” I smirked. “Teamwork.”

He huffed a laugh, shaking his head, but he moved back to the front of the boat to focus on steering. The paths kept changing, the maze of flame closing in some places, opening in new ones, but we were slowly getting closer and closer to the other side. As long as whatever that serpent monster was didn’t get us, we would get through this.

And I certainly wasn’t going down thanks to an overpowered snake.

I watched the water, noticing the small bubbles and ripples coming closer from the left. My fingers curled around the spear, and as it got closer, I breathed in deeply, readying myself.

It erupted from the water silently this time, but I heaved the spear forward. Its black eyes narrowed to slits as it cut to the right, and I just barely clipped one of the fins running down its back before hitting the water. I swore as it disappeared into the depths once more. My eyes shot in every direction, feeling the paranoia growing, knowing that it could come from anywhere.

I heard it before I saw it, and I spun around quickly, bringing the spear up—but not fast enough. Sharp teeth cut through the flesh of my shoulder, and I screamed in agony. It felt like serrated daggers were slicing into my bones as its teeth sank deeper.

“Asteria!” Calix shouted as he turned toward me, but I was already moving. I forced myself to push through the pain—and Nox, I’d never felt anything so painful. Even Cyrus’s dagger didn’t hurt like this. Moving with its jaw locked around my shoulder was like liquid fire shooting through me. But I managed to get the spear into my other hand, the monster too busy slurping my blood to notice.

I rammed the spear through its neck, and its teeth finally released me as it screamed. It tried to slink back to the water, but the spear in its neck kept it in place. The snake-like monster began to thrash around, and I struggled to hold onto the weapon as it slithered, tears running down my eyes from the overwhelming agony. We struggled, both of us injured, but as the thing flailed backward, I tipped that way, too, and we hit just the right angle for the spear to slide out of its neck.

I watched it despair as it fell back into the water.

The green hue of its blood spread around the boat, making the already murky water impossible to see through. I reached up to grab my throbbing shoulder, but Calix was already there.

“Asteria, look at me!” he shouted, panic lacing his voice, and I realized he must have been calling me. I shook my head, trying to bring myself back into focus. His hand was over the wound, putting pressure on it, but the pain lessened—absurdly quickly. My eyes narrowed as I lifted Calix’s hand and looked at where jagged teeth had sunk in.

Blood stained my shoulder and Calix’s hand, but the holes in my skin were completely gone already. Fae healing was a Tartarus of a thing. I had only experienced it once, but I’d been so close to dying then that I couldn’t really appreciate it.

“I’m okay.” I panted, my shock fading as my body relaxed. Calix’s forehead hit mine, his own breath harsh in my ears. “Sorry I scared you.”

He pressed a kiss to my forehead before leaning back to meet my eyes. “Let’s not do that again.”

I laughed hoarsely, nodding in agreement. We were still not quite at the other side of the river, however, and while I’d injured that beast, it wasn’t dead. I certainly didn’t want to see it any angrier than it’d already been.

“That thing is going to be pissed, so we should probably get moving again before it comes back,” I suggested. Calix seemed torn, his fingers running softly over my shoulder, but his eyes cut over to the bank of the river. I smiled softly, it was cute that he was still worried about me, but decidedly unnecessary.

“Come on, I want off this river,” I told him firmly, and Calix sighed, nodding reluctantly. He began to steer us once more, navigating the maze as he looked back and forth, seeing patterns in the flames I couldn’t discern myself. But it was working, and I thanked the gods something was going right.

I kept watch on the water, the spear back in my hand as I waited. Hopefully, it was off, licking its wound and leaving us in peace. When I started to see movement in the water again, I braced myself, sitting low with my spear up. The anticipation was killing me. The slow movement, the lapping of the water against the boat, my knuckles creaking as I tightened my grip…

It surged up from the river, its teeth bared and eyes slit as it stared me down. I watched it carefully, and shifted subtly to the left so I could move quickly out of the way as it made to bite, and threw myself in that direction fully as I brought the spear forward and thrust upward, piercing its midsection. It screamed shrilly, the flared frills on its head waving back and forth. But as it flailed upward, I followed its movement with the spear, cutting through the thinner skin of its underside and opening it up from mid-body to its jaw.

It squirmed around the spear, shrieking and yelling, but as the spear finished its arc, the snake-monster’s mouth split in two as I pulled it free. I watched with satisfaction as the thing fell, finally dead. It’s foul body half draped on the side of the small boat.

I hadn’t even realized we were near the other side of the river, but we came to a sudden stop at the bank. I panted, looking at Calix, who was smiling proudly at me. I laughed incredulously, throwing the green-tinted spear down and reaching over to hug him. He dragged me over, away from the disgusting monster, and into his arms. I hung from his neck, burying my face in his shoulder as my adrenaline waned.

When we pulled back, I looked around to get my bearings, and saw there was only a long, rocky path leading downhill from where the Styx flowed.

“I suppose this leads to the next test?” I asked, hoping to get the Tartarus away from this river.

“I suppose so,” Calix said carefully, looking me over.

“Great.” I clapped my hands, getting out of the boat and waiting for Calix to disembark. I set off down the hill, Calix following behind. I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t want to discuss anything that had happened during this last test, from my panic over my memories to getting sliced by a crazy monster, I just wanted to move on.

He seemed to understand, and thankfully, he stayed quiet. There was something to be said for this mate business.

I came to an abrupt halt as we walked around a bend in the path. A wall of pure darkness loomed ahead. It looked like Calix’s shadows, only it was so high and deep I couldn’t see anything around it.

“What in the Otherworld?” I sighed, looking to Calix with exasperation. I was so done with this.

He chuckled, walking up to the darkness. He lifted his hand, drifting it along the wall, feeling the magic emanating from it. “It’s just shadows, like mine. This must be courtesy of Erebus. He’s where my power comes from, and he’s the one who made Tartarus.”

“So it’s safe to walk through then?” I asked, hopefully.

He nodded slowly, eyes scrutinizing the mass before us. “I think so, but I expect this must be our next little obstacle.”

“Right. ‘Face the darkness inside to reach the next portal.’” I nodded my understanding. “Maybe that’s all it is? Facing the literal darkness you have in your shadows? That’s a power inside you, after all.”

My naive optimism was answered with a look from Calix that communicated quite clearly that we couldn’t hope to be so lucky.

“We’ll be okay,” he assured me. “We’ve faced worse things. I have no doubt you’ll face this with the same indignant rage you first met me with.” He chuckled fondly, and I rolled my eyes at him, trying to smother my smile.

“Well.” I tossed my hair dramatically. “I’m sure you’ll face it with that same smug confidence.”

It was his turn to roll his eyes, but he held out a hand for me, and I smiled as I laced our fingers together. We stood before the wall, and I took a deep breath.

“Here’s to no river monsters, this time,” I said hopefully, before stepping inside. It was incredibly disorienting. I could feel Calix’s hand in mine as we walked forward, but I couldn’t see a damn thing. Not even my own body when I looked down. I tried to summon my starlight, but nothing happened, making me panic slightly.

Why weren’t my powers working? I couldn’t even tell if we were making progress as we walked; the darkness was so suffocating.

My panic gave way to pure anxiety. What if my powers never worked again? What if we were stuck here forever with no way out? What if?—

No. Why was I worried about this? I knew this wouldn’t be forever. My anxiety ebbed, and I took in a sharp breath of relief, but instead, my worries about everything else filtered back in. All my fear about Calix being torn from me, about failing the humans and the Fae counting on me, about having no fucking idea what I was doing…

Rage began to bubble in my chest.

How could everyone put so much damn pressure on me?! I’m one person! I was raised to nothing and suddenly handed a kingdom or two to deal with.

Fuck ! I just wanted to get through this damn mass and make it to the other side. I wanted to get this whole trip over with and get back to Celesterra. I wanted to free the humans and send Cyrus straight to Tartarus to experience everlasting agony he’d never recover from.

The thought of facing him in battle brought joy to my heart. Getting to unleash on him all the pain he caused. I would burn him and his damn kingdom to ash. I would rip and claw away at everything he built, everything he was . I would bathe in his blood until he was a footnote in history, a lesson told in history books to warn others about the absolute destruction that would come for them if they tried to follow in his footsteps.

And then we could live our lives in peace.

I could experience life as a queen . Fill my days with experiencing every damn position Calix could think of with his hundreds of years of experience. I could finally experience a life full of every luxury I was denied before.

And maybe kill every woman in the kingdom who’d experienced him before while I was at it.

Just the thought of an eternity of dancing at balls, visiting the pool or Nova Falls for a swim with my friends, going shopping with the girls, or going out for a night in Tairngire… I wanted all of it.

I didn’t want to worry about the fate of the world. Or even the rest of the population. Human or Fae . I just wanted to finally live my life. Absolutely free .

A life with my soulmate, where we’d never be torn apart. And I would be worshiped as the queen who?—

No—no, this was all wrong.

Yes, I wanted to live my life. But I worried for every human stuck under the yoke of slavery. I worried for the Fae who stood beside us to fight for them. I didn’t care about being worshipped like some goddess. I just wanted to help make things better.

Maybe there was a small part of me, deep inside, that didn’t hate the idea. But I was just a person, one who’d been denied even basic considerations all their life.

Maybe the power I was so suddenly granted was going to my head. Or maybe… maybe this damn thing was taking every tiny little feeling inside us and amplifying it, I realized.

Face the darkness inside , Jemisha had said. Is this what she meant? It dragged up every bit of darkness inside of us and made us feel the full force of it.

Making us accept the darkness within us.

I was a person full of anxiety and rage. A selfish one. I had never realized that about myself, but maybe I should have. I’d spent so long cutting myself off from everyone to avoid the pain that I’d focused only on myself. Even after being rescued, I’d had to be shown the worst of it to change my focus from it being all about my own revenge to it being about everyone.

But there wasn’t anything inherently wrong with a bit of selfishness, was there? Maybe it was even expected, normal , after being raised a slave. As long as I didn’t lose myself in it.

Or try to kill all of Calix’s past lovers out of fits of stupid jealousy. I’d always been a jealous person; I knew that. I’d been jealous of everything the Fae had, which maybe contributed to having a bit of selfishness now.

And as far as my rage went? I knew I couldn’t let it turn me into a monster. I would be just as bad as Cyrus if I did. He’d once talked of how similar we were, and that sent chills down my spine just thinking about it. We did have similarities, yes. But so did Calix and I, and he wasn’t evil.

I couldn’t let myself give in to the rage fully. I had to pull myself back and focus on the goal. On stopping him and freeing the humans. Saving the balance. Giving into my own pain and hate for Cyrus would only lead me to make the same mistakes he did.

As for my anxiety and my fears, I could only accept that I may not ever push them away entirely. They were a part of me after so many years spent worrying about everything. But like Jemisha had said, I could still rise above it.

I could live despite my fears.

I could push past them and pursue happiness, whether I feared it or not. Whether I trusted it or not. I could one day live a life of light and joy, despite all the darkness inside my soul.

I may have a bit of a monster inside of me. One that wanted to burn down the corrupt leaders of Celesterra and start again. One who wanted revenge for all the pain they caused. But I could live with that monster as long as it was leashed properly. I would use that monster in me to do what needed to be done, and do it well.

Suddenly, my vision was assaulted with light.

I blinked against the brightness, realizing it wasn’t actually all that bright. It was still the same dank grey as the rest of Tartarus. But compared to pure darkness, it might as well have been Elysium.

“ Fuck ,” Calix rasped, and I realized he was trembling.

“Did you face all your own worst qualities too?” I asked quietly, and he nodded raggedly.

“Face the darkness inside.” He snorted, running a hand through his long silvery-white hair. “I didn’t expect to be assaulted with every damn bit of darkness inside myself quite so literally.”

I knew he’d lived a much longer life than me. And in that time, he’d done a number of things he wasn’t proud of. Including killing a great number of Fae to free humans. As he sat himself down and put his elbows to his knees, burying his face in his hands, I found myself rushing over to him.

Even as the darkness I’d faced inside my own soul still lingered in my mind, my priority was Calix.

“I think I much prefer your own brand of darkness, my dorchadas,” I joked quietly, making him snort what was almost a laugh.

“Yeah, me too.” His quiet response made me worry more. He seemed weighed down with the weight of his soul, and I hated it.

“You know, those things the darkness made us face, they don’t define us.” I began. “It took little pieces of things inside me and made them feel so much bigger and stronger. Things I would never truly think suddenly seemed like the most obvious ideas in the world.”

“I’ve already warned you I’m a monster, but I guess having to really feel it, just drove home how fucking unworthy I am of you,” he admitted, looking up with shining eyes full of color.

“You aren’t ,” I insisted. “That wasn’t real, Calix.”

“It was,” he argued, shaking his head. “In every way that matters, it was. I had to feel every damn monstrous emotion that lives inside me. And I had to face that those things are all a part of me. I don’t know why you would want to be with me after that. You deserve someone who’s not bogged down by all the things I’ve done.”

“Fuck that,” I hissed, making his head rear back slightly. “I don’t give a shit what you’ve done. You think I’m not capable of the same? You’re my soulmate for a reason, Calix. We’re both capable of being jealous, selfish, rage-filled monsters.”

He blinked in surprise, and his tense form softened slightly as he realized he wasn’t the only one with that darkness inside them.

“We’re the same inside, my dorchadas,” I whispered tenderly, lifting a hand to his cheek. I brushed my thumb along the sharp cheekbone before leaning in to kiss him.

He fell into my kiss and was quick to grab my hair in a harsh grip and pull me even deeper into him. I somehow ended up on his lap, his hands buried in my hair as we battled for dominance.

Two monsters in love.