Page 42 of Not Your Enemy

My breath caught in my throat when I saw Jade walk out of Canvas. She was wearing a dark green button-down dress with a lace, long-sleeve shirt underneath. Jade had a messenger bag on her shoulderthat lay under her braided hair that I knew was so soft. She was genuinely so beautiful. I couldn’t believe how much of an idiot I’d been. And I couldn’t believe I had forced myself to go without seeing her for so long.

She crossed the parking lot while glancing at her cell and digging through her bag for her keys, I presumed. Biting my lip, I opened the door quietly, not wanting her to see me until she got closer. I wanted to have a private conversation with her, and not draw attention from anyone she worked with or any clients. When she was just a handful of steps away, I got out and closed the door to my Camry, successfully catching her eye.

Jade looked shocked, her mossy eyes widening and pouty lips opening slightly. I was frozen too for some reason, feeling like I was embarrassing myself and unsure how to get words out of my mouth. She looked me over, the way she’d done several times before. I blushed and suddenly felt overwhelming gratitude that Jana had made me touch up my makeup before leaving my place this morning. I took a step closer to her, scared that moving too quickly would cause her to flee.

“Jade,” I said, unable to process anything else.

Hell, just seeing her face had me wanting to cry. I’d missed her so much my heart was breaking again just standing here without being able to hug her. To draw her into my arms and take in her scent, her smooth skin.

“Can we talk for a minute? We can jump in my car for privacy, if you want.” Getting the words out, I waited with shaking limbs for her response. So scared and almost positive she was going to say no. I mean, that’s what I deserved.

“Okay,” she responded, and I immediatelyreleased a breath.

Opening the door of my car, I unlocked her side and sat down. I was both terrified and thrilled to be close to her again. It had only been a few weeks since I’d last seen her, but it felt like an eternity had passed.

“Um…” I stalled when we were both seated. I made eye contact with her before looking down at my lap. The feeling of her staring at me was overwhelming. “So I wanted to explain what happened after we left Clark.” I looked up to see her eyes still on my face, a blank expression there making me feel cold all over. “And tell you how sorry I am for ghosting you. I…it’s something I regret deeply.”

Eyes back on my lap, I tried my best to gather enough courage to get more words out.

“So, when I got home, Jana came over, and I told her you and I were together. And she got really upset.” I gulped, trying not to remember how guilty I felt in that moment. Like I had betrayed her trust. “I told her I couldn’t help my feelings for you. But she said that basically she knew it didn’t start like that, that my feelings grew over time. And well, I guess I felt like she was right. I felt terrible that I had hurt her, and I was so shocked by how upset she was.”

I wiped a tear from my cheek before looking out the window. Hoping the words pouring out of me made sense.

“She asked me that night to choose between the two of you. Basically, said that if I picked you, I’d lose her. Which was so fucked up, but at the time I felt awful, and I told her I picked her.” I was panting the words out, fully crying as I turned to look at her.

I expected to see the same stoic expression on her face. But she was crying, looking hurt, and that only made everything worse. Because, fuck, I didn’t enjoy seeing the consequences of my actions. I hurt her. I made her cry, probably not for the first time over this situation. And all I could do was watch.

"So you thought it was imperative to drive all this way just to tell me you picked her over me? I kind of already figured that out on my own." Jade looked at me with a clenched jaw and narrowed eyes. Although her tone was quiet with hurt, her words still shone a light on her anger.

"No, Jade," I said, resisting the urge to reach a hand over and grasp her shoulder. “I knew then that I had made a mistake. I should never have played into her game and chosen between the two of you. I should have just left her question unanswered. I felt so confused that night, Jade, and when I texted you to tell you about our plans being canceled, I couldn’t find it in me to tell you what I had done. Because I knew as soon as I heard your voice I’d go back on my word to Jana.”

She turned to face me fully, hands splayed out as she spoke. "Oh, so it was my fault. I would have convinced you that you deserved better than a friend who gave you ultimatums, and because you didn't want to hear that, it was justified that you completely shut me out."

Laying my head back against the headrest, I blinked my blurry eyes before continuing. “It was my fault, Jade. I’ve been a shell of myself sense then, barely getting by because I can’t stand what I did.”

"And how do you think I've been doing? You think it's a great feeling to have someone you're crazy about completely disappear?" One of her hands clutched the hem of her dress, while the other lay over her heart. "And why now, after weeks, did you feel it was a good time to show up?"

“Because I love you, Jade.”

The words rushed out of me faster than the tears could fall. I took in her scrunched features, regretting every moment of the last month.

“Every day that went by made it easier to convince myself that it was too late. That you'd never forgive me, had already moved on from me. Especially when I don't deserve your forgiveness. Or for you to even listen to me now, but I’m so desperate for you to. Because I justthought that, even if you couldn’t forgive me, maybe hearing what happened—that it had nothing to do with you—would help. I just didn’t want you to think that I didn’t care about you anymore. And I am so sorry for what I’ve done. I ruined everything by trying to please a friend. And in the process I hurt you, and I can’t forgive myself for that.”

I was silent then, hoping I had said everything I’d wanted to. Maybe this wasn’t the time to tell her I loved her, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt as though I might never see her again.

Exhaling loudly, her gaze shifted out the window as she crossed her toned arms over her chest. “I kept telling myself that you were just busy getting readjusted to being back home. Maybe catching up on work you’d put off or something. But then a day became a week, and I thought that maybe everything that happened wasn’t as special to you as it was to me. Maybe it was one-sided, maybe you’d changed your mind about wanting to keep seeing me. And I felt heartbroken because I loved you and I thought you didn’t care about me.”

I was sobbing again, wanting to die from how her words made me feel. I couldn’t believe what I’d done to her, what I’d made her think when we’d both obviously cared so much for each other.

“No, Jade, what we shared meant everything to me. I never changed my mind about you; you are everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“But Libby, I find that hard to believe when you didn’t choose me," she said, turning back to face me with widened eyes. "You didn’t have to pick between us just because she asked you to. And so what if the next day you talked to me and changed your mind? Why are you so scared of losing Jana but not me?” I felt choked by her words. Like I couldn’t breathe from the truth in them. I had been a complete fool.

“I…I felt like I had to be loyal to her because she’s been my best friend for so long. But I wanted you, Jade. I wanted to choose you, and that made me feel terrible because I felt like the right thing to do was choose her. But I shouldn’t have chosen anyone. I’m so sorry, Jade.” I squeezed my hands together, seeking a way to release the pent-up energy buzzing through me.

“I just…Libby, you hurt me so fucking bad!” I tried not to collapse from her words.

“If I could go back, I’d—,” she cut me off before I could finish.