Page 41 of Not Your Enemy

I wiped my face, using a bit of water to remove the mascara. I wasn’t very successful, but it would have to do. Making my way out of the bathroom, I ducked my head and went the long way around to avoid the table where Sydnee and Logan were sitting. Thanking my lucky stars we hadn’t ordered yet, so that I wasn’t dining and dashing, I all but ran to my car.

Chapter 27

When I got home from dinner last night, I opened a bottle of wine and drank straight from the lip of it. I paced my apartment while I contemplated everything. I hated Jana. Not really, I couldn’t hate her as much as I wanted to. But I was pissed. Like boiling out of my skin pissed. How dare she put me in this situation! How dare she make me feel like I was unloyal to Jade in the only way I could still be!

But when I woke up this morning, I decided I was actually really mad at myself.

It wasn’t like Jana put a gun to my head; she didn’t force me to choose her. I was the one who played into her games, the one who ghosted Jade, the one who pulled myself away from our friendship so Jana wouldn’t realize how much pain I was in. It wasn’t Jana’s fault she didn’t know how much I was hurting when I never told her about it. And I realized I didn't want to suffer in silence anymore. I didn't want to grin and bear it just because I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

I told Jana I chose her, but this whole time I've been acting like I chose neither of them. Because she was right, I had barely talked to her in the past month. I was just surviving, forcing myself to get through each day. And when I yelled at her last night, I hadn't expected it to feel good. To feel so freeing. So, I had to try. I had to at least tell Jade I was sorry, explain what happened so she didn’t think I had been dishonest in what we had together. Last night I thought the wine had gotten to me, but now…now I felt sure. I felt like I should have done that a long time ago—just talked to her. Told her what happened, the way I was feeling.

Suddenly, I wasn’t moving fast enough. I needed to get out of here! I needed to go to Riley and see her and beg her to listen so I could explain that I fucked up and that she never deserved to be treated the way I treated her. Showering quickly, I was thankful I had blown my hair out the night before and just had to brush through it. I’d most likely be back here before I even knew it, but I packed my work stuff and a few changes of clothes just in case. Maybe she’d accept my apology, and we’d go back to her place and make wild, passionate love to one another. I knew that wouldn’t happen, but maybe she would at least talk to me. Just listen to me plead my case.

Stuffing the last of my things into my tote bag, I made one more walk-through to confirm I had turned all the lights off. Snatching my purse, I unlocked my front door to come face to face with Jana. She looked rough, which is not something I ever thought I’d say. She was wearing a plain pair of leggings and a form-fitting white T-shirt. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail, and she had no makeup on. It was honestly shocking.

“May I come in?” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest. I thought about telling her no in my haste to get to Riley, but it wasn’tright to leave things the way they were. She was still my friend despite everything, and I still cared for her.

“Sure,” I replied, backing up slightly to hold the door open for her. Taking a seat on my couch, I shuffled around to sit in the accent chair across from her. With her legs crossed, her manicured fingers shuffled nervously across her knee.

“I…I wanted to apologize for last night.” I swallowed thickly at her words, taking in her heavy-lidded eyes as she tried to calm her tone. “That was wrong of me to spring on you without your consent. And I’m sorry that I got upset and left the way I did.” Her voice was shaking, and I could tell she was trying hard to hold back tears. She should be sorry for what happened, but I still didn’t like to see her in pain.

“It was—”

“Hold on,” she stated, cutting me off. “I need to apologize for something else, too. I shouldn’t have made you choose between Jade and me.” Blood rushed to my cheeks in a dizzying wave. “I should have realized how hurt you were. I told myself that you were only distant because of our fight and that things would just go back to normal. But you told me you cared for her, and the Libby I know cares for people in a way I could only dream of. I admire you for your beautiful heart, Lib. I always have.”

She rubbed the tears from her eyes as I did the same, wanting to sob loudly at her kind words.

“A best friend wouldn’t do what I did, and I couldn’t stop thinking last night about how if the situation were reversed, you’d never do that to me. You would have sacrificed your feelings for my happiness. Which is what you did anyway. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that even though it hurt you, you still chose me. Even though Ishould never have made you do it, you did it anyway. You are the best friend in the world, and I love you dearly.”

I choked on a fresh wave of tears, wanting to hug her, but it was obvious she was trying to get everything out, and I didn’t want to stop her.

“So, I know you don't need my blessing or permission, but I wanted to tell you I will not make you choose anymore. If you want to be with Jade, be with her. You won’t lose me, regardless.”

This was the friend that I knew. The one who supported me no matter what. I walked over to hug her. She hugged me back, sniffling against my shoulder.

“Thank you, Jana,” I said, pulling away so I could look into her eyes. “You never have to worry about losing me. No matter what, you’re my best friend. And I love you too.” I squeezed her shoulder with a grin before we both pulled back to wipe our faces and get our acts together.

She finally seemed to notice my travel bag sitting by the chair.

“And I'm glad to hear that I won't lose you, because I was already going to Riley. I don't know if anything will change, but I need to try.” She nodded immediately, coming forward to embrace me again.

“Before that, maybe you should go fix your mascara.” I burst out laughing at her not-so-subtle hint.

The drive was long. I’d been on an adrenaline high from finally allowing myself to head for Jade, and after about forty-five minutes in the car, that faded into tiredness. My decision to speak with her hadn’t changed, but I more so just felt overwhelmed. I was positive that she wasn’t going to run into my arms and kiss me silly the way I wanted her to. She would be mad and might not even want to talk to me. That hurt to think about, and I couldn’t help thinking again and again about how terribly I hadhandled things.

Not that she even got the full story of what happened because I didn’t even have the balls to call her up and be honest with her. But I knew then that she would have talked sense into me, comforted me, been understanding even though I’d be dragging her into even more drama with her sister. But I was too weak to even text her an explanation. My stomach turned at the repeated thoughts that the radio and highway were not drowning out.

I just hoped that I could get her to listen. Just hear what happened and hear my apology. Maybe if she could just see how sorry I was, how much I knew I'd fucked up by letting her go, then it would make things better. Maybe with time we could become friends again. I didn't want to just be friends, but I’d take whatever she offered me. Whatever it was she felt I deserved, I’d take it. Because I didn’t deserve anything from her. She could tell me to get lost and not come back, and I’d have to accept that. That would be more of a courtesy than I’d given her, having not even responded to her text.

Maybe just seeing her would be enough to mend a few pieces of my shattered shell of a heart. I could still feel her hands on my skin, her plump lips on mine. The way she tasted, her woodsy amber scent. What I wouldn’t give to suffocate in her bed, surrounded by her scent or, better yet, her smooth, firm skin. I missed her in a way I’d never felt before. It was as if I’d found a piece of myself and then lost it, causing the puzzle to crash wildly against the floor. Turning up the radio, I tried to focus on anything else as I made my way to Riley.

To Jade.

Chapter 28

I’d been sitting in the parking lot of Canvas Tattoo for twenty minutes now after looking online to see what time they closed. I was waiting out here by her Mustang for her to get off work since it felt wrong to show up at her house, and I didn’t want to walk into her job. It wasn’t like I was in a rush to get anywhere. Not that the knot in my stomach would tell you that. I was a ball of anxious energy, already having to adjust my air conditioning twice to keep the sweat at bay.

I’d texted Jana to tell her I’d made it, like she asked. It helped me feel somewhat good to know that I still had her friendship after everything. Last night and this morning had been hard, thinking that I had lost both of them. She’d even responded wishing me luck, which meant more to me than she realized. We’d not talked much about the awkward date last night, but I hoped I hadn’t ruined things for her. Well, she kind of deserved it, but that was beside the point.