Page 39 of Not Your Enemy

My life just felt so empty.

My routine—working, going out with Jana—it was hard to find joy in those things. Which just made me feel worse because I should love spending time with Jana the way we used to. Should love my peaceful life the way I did not that long ago. It wasn’t glamorous, but it was what I had, andI’d been happy.

But I felt like I couldn’t be happy anymore without Jade, and I was unsure whether clinging to the idea of us made me an idiot or if staying away from her did. I couldn’t be happy pretending that my time with her had never happened, had meant nothing. I’d thought about it a hundred times. Jumping in my car and driving to Riley. In those fantasies, she welcomes me into her arms and kisses me senseless. We pick up exactly where we left off and move forward together.

But the reality is that she wouldn’t want to see me after what I’d done. I told her I wouldn’t choose between her and Jana, but that’s exactly what I did. I don’t know how deep her feelings were for me, but I was in love with her, was still in love with her, and if she’d done that to me, it would have crushed me.

So, I stood in my shower and cried over my mistake. Wishing that I were brave enough to do something, anything, to end my suffering.

I’d remade my coffee twice because I kept forgetting to drink it. It was once again cold beside me as I typed up a report for a customer. I’d barely slept last night. My head hurt from crying, and I couldn’t find the will to get up and grab some Tylenol. I just thought about Jade, which led to even more crying. I was truly hopeless at this point. Work was also getting in the way of my pity party. Wrapping up my report, I picked my phone up to see a text from Jana. She was raving about the new restaurant downtown she was taking me to tonight. She’d gone there on a date last week and hadn’t shut up about their stir-fry since.

After sending a quick reply, I took my coffee cup to the kitchen and poured the contents down the drain. I opened my refrigerator to grab my lunch. I’d made chili Wednesday night and had been living off of it, basically. After sticking it in the microwave, I took my seat at the dining table. Leaning against my palm and closing my eyes for a few too brief moments. There was an alarm going off in my mind sincethe day I chose Jana. It told me I had made a mistake. It told me to call Jade, even now when I knew she wouldn’t answer. But maybe I could hear her voicemail and take in the sound of her honey-like voice.

While eating my chili, I went through my phone, looking up the various social media accounts of Jade Thornton just so I could take in her mossy green eyes and plump lips. What we had was special. Sure, it was wrong; we moved too fast and hadn’t known each other long. But I don’t think anything in my life had ever felt as true and right as being with Jade. What made it worse was that I couldn’t help but reevaluate my life before meeting her. My decisions, like following Jana to the city and taking the first job I could because it seemed easy. Even my apartment wasn’t especially nice. I just liked the location and went for it. I’d never taken the time to decorate it other than with a few pictures of family here and there. And I’d told myself it was temporary, just starting out, getting on my feet.

My friends here were people I’d met through Jana, and while they were still my friends, the thought made me feel incredibly lonely. In fact, everything in my life felt lonely after meeting Jade. When I broke up with my ex, all I felt was relief. I relished my solitude here, thankful for the space. But everything was different now.

It felt like I’d just woken up and realized that I’d been living on hold, doing the bare minimum, just getting by. But I had a taste of something better now, something that made me feel new, excited, loved. Something I gave away because it felt morally wrong to have it. And just maybe because that voice in my head that I thought got silenced in college, the one that told me I wasn’t worthy of love because I didn’t have the perfect body or the prettiest face. The one that told me I was too different for not liking guys or getting hit on as much as the other girls in school.

Maybe that voice told me to choose Jana because I didn’t deserve someone like Jade.

She was out of my league, someone who didn’t sit on the sidelines or let life coast by because it made things easy. Jade lived life out-loud, taking risks and being creative. Going after her dreams even after growing up without genuine support from her family. And I was comfortable, alright with sitting things out or being overlooked because it wasn’t as scary as putting myself out there. But regardless of all those things, it was too late. She wouldn’t trust me now, and I wouldn’t blame her for that. And she seemed too carefree to be hung up on someone like me, especially when I made it so obvious things were over between us. And maybe with a little more time I could get past it too. Maybe things would get easier, feel lighter, memories quieter.

But no matter how much time went by, I already knew in my heart that I’d never fully get over her. I’d remember the days I spent with her for the rest of my life as the time I could be myself. Be happy and free and be with the person I loved. And I was thankful for that.

That at least my memories of her were mine, if she could never be.

Chapter 26

I’d just finished drying my hair when Jana texted that she was on her way. It took her about half an hour to get here since she worked across town. Which was good because I still needed to do my makeup. The bags under my eyes were horrid, so I needed time to put my concealer on thick. They were even worse than when she came over last week. She'd brought a few files she needed to catalog and Thai food for us. It was a tradition of ours to spend time together like that, just existing in each other's presence. Prior to her ultimatum, we'd made the most of it. I'd helpher organize paperwork while she typed, and we'd take breaks every few minutes to chat about the guy she was seeing or the new season of whatever reality TV show we were watching. But last week it was just quiet. She finished in record time, and I did my best to stay present.

Once I was satisfied with my face, I went to my closet to pick out an outfit. I couldn’t help but think back to my time with Jade, wishing I’d brought cuter clothes with me on that trip. Not that she seemed to mind. I felt heat creep up my neck and, at the same time, a wave of longing rolled through me. What I’d give to be picking out an outfit for a date with her.

Clearing my thoughts, I grabbed a simple black dress with a drop waist and paired it with some black kitten heels. It was getting colder out, so I snagged my fuzzy white coat before making my way back to the bathroom to take a look. I left my hair down, having just blown it out. Placing another layer of gloss on, I heard the musical knock that signaled Janawas here.

“Look at you!” she exclaimed, grabbing both my hands to dramatically take me in.

“You look beautiful,” I told her, admiring her tan, tight-fitting scoop-neck dress.

“Thanks, Lib,” she smiled at me. “Ready to roll?” I nodded before heading to the kitchen to grab my purse from the counter.

Jana needed to send a quick email, so we took my car so she could work while I drove. I had to keep reminding her to give me directions. I was pretty sure we ended up taking a super long route, but it seemed she didn’t want to admit that she’d been too distracted to tell me.

“Logan literally just texted me they’re here!” she stated while slipping her laptop into her messenger bag.

“Who?” I asked, with pinched eyebrows. I was pretty sure Logan was the guy she’d been seeing, but she did not tell me he’d be joining us.

“You’ll see,” she grinned widely before jumping out of the car.

With a sigh, I followed her out. I wasn’t up for meeting new people tonight. Kind of just wanted to get tipsy with Jana and try to forget for a couple of hours. I could sleep in tomorrow since it was Friday night, and that was the only reason I’d agreed to go out anyway.

After giving the host what I assumed was Logan’s last name, we were led toward a private table in the back of the restaurant. It was dimly lit, with light instrumental music playing. I’d give Jana this; it smelled amazing in here. Like caramelized onions and savory meats. We were obviously walking toward a table with two patrons, considering the surrounding area was empty. A man, Logan I presumed, had a cropped haircut with a tapered beard. He seemed athletic build-wise and was wearing a white button-down with his sleeves rolled up to his forearms. The woman sitting beside him was wearing a brown silk button-down. She had his same ashy brown hair as him, but hers wasin a short bob. They were both very attractive, and I had no clue why they were here.

Pushing back his chair, Logan stood with a wide smile, coming around to embrace Jana as they exchanged greetings.

“And this is Libby, yes?” he asked Jana, looking with certainty in my direction.

“Yes, honey. My dearest friend!” I smiled at Jana’s words. She always made me feel important to her, which was lovely.