Page 40 of Not My Mate

I eased back to the current reality as Killie moved silently up to stand next to me. I'd barely noticed his approach, which was normal for the ex-SEAL.

"You doing okay, kid?"

I nodded. "Not a kid," I added, a lackluster reminder of what he already knew.

"Yeah, I know." He hesitated. "Don't mind Kim. We're glad you're staying."

"Thanks."

He looked like he wanted to say something more, but after a moment he changed his mind and walked away.

I tried not to think about anything. Whether my staying would be good or bad for the team. Whether I'd want to change my mind sometime soon. Whether Russ got horny thinking about me.

Especially not that.

I shouldn't mind. Some people would even be flattered, right?

"Charlie!" Russ called, jogging up to join me. "Going for a run. Want to come along?"

"No, thanks. Engines to repair." I turned away from him and walked off. He was doing his best to act normal, like we were work pals and nothing more or less. But I wasn't sure I could just now.

Chapter 5

Trust me with your heart

RUSS

I missed our fights.

I missed everything that gave me closer contact with him, even when he was scowling at me. These days, he just stayed away. Or I did, if I saw him cozying up to the commissioner. It hurt a lot, watching him being so lovey-dovey with the married boss, and seeing that affection returned (even if Singh would never mean it "that way"), while Charlie avoided me like I had something deadly and catching.

Rather than reining in his obsession with Singh, he spent even more time hugging up to the man. Charlie had grown shameless: he even did it in front of Grant Ralstead! Sometimes I had to get up and leave the room when he started being cuddly and friendly, laying his furry head down to rest on Sahil's feet in his wolf form, for instance. Grant didn't seem to give a shit. Either he was unaware of Charlie's devotion, or more likely didn't care, didn't consider him even the slightest threat. He'd reach down and give Charlie a friendly pat instead of shooing him away.

Sometimes I wondered bitterly if Charlie fawned his way into bed with them to cuddle as well. When I started thinking along those lines, I had to get away. To run, or punch something, or shout into the void. There was nothing for me here, and it hurt more every day. Sometimes I hated Charlie, even though I knew it wasn't his fault I'd fallen for him. It wasn't his fault I couldn't seem to get over the feeling that we were meant to be mates. He was clearly never going to feel the same.

It wasn't meant to be, but try telling that to my heart. I'd tried. It wasn't working.

Something had definitely changed during our trip. For him, perhaps things were better now. He no longer hid if Grant was home; he seemed more accepting of their relationship and happier in his own skin. But he also stayed the hell away from me. Even the fragile friendship I'd thought we were developing seemed to be broken to shards.

I tried not to let it hurt, not to let it get to me.

I tried to be strong. But, sometimes, when I couldn't fall asleep at night for the ache of loneliness, I thought maybe I was going to have to take my dad's advice after all. Maybe I was the one who was going to have to leave the team.

Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants, after I had finally convinced him to stay?

#

Lately, we'd been doing a lot of training, or straight-up having downtime. Was Singh afraid to push us for anything real until he was sure we were still working cohesively? Well, we had never let our personal issues affect the team, and we never would. Frankly, I was insulted that Singh would think we would.

The team came first, obviously. Especially in the field.

Being less on the go meant Charlie got to work on his engines. He seemed happy about that. I was kind of at loose ends, personally, always feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I got to be around Charlie if we were with the others, working or eating, or if we both wanted to run at the same time, but other than that, I felt like I had to stay away from him.

I missed him. I missed the teasing and arguing, even though I'd liked it best during the brief periods when we were actually getting along.

But I missed him, either way. I tried to keep to myself a little more detached, so I wasn't hanging on his coattails and eating my heart out for him. I carefully rationed my Charlie time outside of work.