Page 37 of Not My Mate

If my feelings for Charlie — infuriating, sexy, confusing, annoying Charlie — hadn't actually gone away, well, I was used to that. It was probably going to be that way for the rest of my life.

One more good thing: not once did he talk about quitting the team and starting his own garage. Of course, I couldn't ask him directly if he'd changed his mind. He might still be mulling it over, and any signs of over-eagerness from me would put him off it. But I was encouraged and hopeful.

Say what you will about how distance would be better, how it would help me get over my feelings for him — no, I'd rather be near him, no matter how much it sometimes hurt.

I still loved him, and I was beginning to suspect I always would. If I could only have him as a friend, well, I would have to learn to be content with that. But not having him in my life at all, as anything, felt as unbearable as drowning.

––––––––

CHARLIE

When I pulled up outside Sahil and Grant's home, my heart was pounding hard. I'd talked to Sahil along the way briefly, had phoned and texted a few times. Each point of contact gladdened my heart and lightened my load.

I had also told him I didn't need to quit the team after all. That I could stay because Russ had changed his ways. He wasn't harassing, he wasn't pushing, and our fighting had been much more good-natured lately. If he occasionally let little hints drop that he was still attracted to me, at least he never acted on them. He never pushed his attentions on me.

He justnoticed. That was enough, sometimes, to make me feel uncomfortable. But it wasn't enough to end everything over. I didn't want to leave the team yet, not if I didn't have to. I didn't feel as bothered about getting revenge, either.

Something major had changed between us. Sometimes, we were more than almost friends, we were actually that — friends. Friends who squabbled and snarked at each other, and tried to push each other over at unexpected moments, friends who snapped at heels and pounced and bit each other's tails, but stillfriends.

I hadn't had many friends in my life, and now Russ was one of them.

Now we were home, and I wasn't sure how much things would change. Would life go back to being as painful as it had been before? Would my feelings for Sahil hurt less, now that I felt more securely that he loved me back?

Maybe I wouldn't be as jealous of Grant now. Maybe I wouldn't be as harassed by Russ and his snide remarks. Of course he could go back on his word and start tormenting me again. But I'd believed him when he apologized; he stank of the truth. That had been a big surprise.

There!

Sahil was waiting for us, pacing back and forth in front of the biggest garage, wrapped in an oversized white sweater. He looked gorgeous, of course, as always. He looked up at the sound of the engine — far later than wolf ears would have heard it — and a smile lit his beautiful, sweet face.

He moved to the side and hurried up as I pulled the car in. I'd barely stopped it before I was out and in his arms. He hugged me hard, holding on tightly, like it had hurt to breathe when we were apart. I held him more gingerly because he was not a shifter, and his bones were more fragile than mine. But I held him close, and for a long time.

"You're home," said Sahil at last, drawing back, trying to pull himself together. He gave me a smile that was bright and a little cracked, his eyes too shiny to be anything but close to tears. "I've missed you." He glanced past me, and I looked, too: Russ was there, leaning against the car, trying to look casual, trying to smile. It wasn't very convincing.

Sahil cleared his throat and took a single step back. I wanted to hug him again, but I restrained myself. As usual, being in Sahil's arms made me feel safe and real, made me forget all the bad things in life and feel only the good.

He glanced between us and touched his lip with his tongue. "Are you...still considering leaving us?" he asked cautiously.

"No, I think I'll stay for now." I gestured between myself and Russ. "We're getting along, and I think I'm not really ready to quit."

"Excellent. I'm very pleased to hear that. Of course you can change your mind at any time in the future."

Russ cleared his throat but didn't say anything. He looked uncomfortable.

"We've decided you should have more garage space, by the way," said Sahil, touching my arm lightly, turning me to look. "You'll have half of this one, if you want, to store your projects. And I know you like to sleep out here, so we were thinking we could convert part of it into a proper sleeping area. What do you think?"

I couldn't think of anything with his hand on me. His touch was warm and reassuring, and I reveled in the comfort of it.

But I wasn't turned on.

I loved Sahil so much, it hurt to breathe sometimes. But I had never truly been turned on by him, had I? I adored him, everything about him, but I'd never had to struggle not to get an erection around him. I'd never had to keep from brushing against him in case my skin tingledthat way, or I got unbearably turned on.

No wonder Grant didn't consider me a threat.

I could cuddle with Sahil all night in bed and not feel like I was going mad with desire. It's true that I was usually in my wolf form, but I had shared a bed with him as a man more than once, and it hadn't felt much different. I'd just been able to talk to him, and he hadn't hand-fed me or rubbed my ears. We were as chaste as when I was a wolf. It was the companionship and company that he liked, I supposed. Once, I'd thought all this meant I was very strong-willed about not passing his boundaries. Now, I wondered.

I loved him, and I longed for his love, attention, and affection — I probably always would; I was a bit obsessed — but I'd never really wanted his body.

Did this mean I would be less jealous the next time I saw Grant kiss him, or when Sahil leaped into his arms, or the two of them hugged? I tried never to witness their affection, because when I did, a black hole of despair opened up inside me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad from now on, now that I felt more settled and sure that Sahil did love me, no matter what.