Page 28 of Not My Mate

"I've never known him to think he's charming," said Sahil, and he sounded like he was going to laugh or cry or maybe both at once. "Dear Charlie. You deserve to be loved."

"Bullshit."

"I wish I was there. I wish I could put my arms around you. Oh, Charlie, I'm so sorry. You've been hurt so much, but you shouldn't let that steal any future you might have. Your instincts won't always be wrong. Sometimes it's okay to trust, to let yourself be loved."

"I won't. He doesn't love me, anyway. He's just a confused asshole."

"I think he cares about you. Obviously, he hasn't shown it. But you work well together, and, from reports, he always puts your safety above his own."

"Because it's a team, and that's what you do."

"Yes." He sighed. "That's what you do. Do your instincts tell you something about Russell? And you just don't trust them? Or is it completely one-sided, this attraction?"

I closed my eyes, trying to think. My hands and mouth were trembling a little. It hurt to even contemplate. I was a fortress, and nobody got access to what was inside. I wasn't the one for him; I wasn't the one for anybody. I was my own, and nobody would get to touch me like that ever again.

"It hurts to think about. I don't want to belong to anybody. And I don't trust that shithead as far as I can throw him. He's bigger than me, and he's always picking on me, and — and he's critical and mean. He's just an asshole, and now, suddenly, I'm supposed to like him? Because he thinks we'd be good together, even though he never said anything in all these years? Well, I don't. I think he's a big pile of shit, and I hate his fucking guts."

"I see," said Sahil. "Well, then, it really is best you don't stay on the same team. How could you possibly work together?"

"I don't think we could." I took a deep breath. "But I like repairing cars. I can do that. I'll stay nearby so I can see you sometimes."

"I'm glad of that. Perhaps I should talk to him and explain the situation, and then he'll leave you alone to visit your parents in peace."

"No. I'm letting him come along." I didn't know why I was being so insistent on that, but I was determined.

"Charlie," Sahil said softly. "If you hate him this much, you need to stay away from him so you won't do something you'll regret. No matter how you feel now, I know you'd regret it later if you hurt him."

"I wish I could," I said bitterly. "I don't think he can be hurt, not as much as he hurts me all the fucking time."

"I'd no idea you felt this way." Sahil sounded appalled. "I wish you'd confide these things to me, my dear. I could help if I knew. No team should have such a messed-up dynamic, and you shouldn't be forced to spend time with someone you despise and distrust."

I wiped tears away from my eyes. That was what I'd wanted to hear, but it hurt; it made me feel hollow and emptied-out inside. "I don't really want anything to change," I admitted. "I hate change. But it has to, now, doesn't it?"

"Well, perhaps. Perhaps with time and firm boundaries, the two of you could continue to work together, even be friends again. I know you've been friends at times. I've seen you together when you were getting along. It always hurts to lose a friend, Charlie."

"He's not my—"

"You work together. You've played together. You've hung out and spent more time together than nearly anyone. Of course, conflict and a one-sided attraction are going to hurt. But, perhaps, in time, you can keep hold of the good things and let the rest drift into the past. Charlie, I'm not saying it'll be easy. It won't. But you don't have to let this change everything if you don't want it to. If you want to work together, it can probably happen, if he's willing to not cross your boundaries. And, in time, perhaps you can regain the friendship you lost. I admit I had no idea things were so bad between you. I'm not as perceptive as I thought, I suppose. I really considered the two of you friends."

I snorted bitterly. "That's what hurts," I admitted. "Sometimes I thought we were, and then sometimes he'd pick at me, and criticize me, and now it's even worse with him 'liking' me. That's not how you treat someone you like, is it? You didn't do that, did you, with—?"

He was silent for a moment. "Sometimes," he admitted hoarsely. "I was very difficult. I was frightened to have feelings for Grant, and sometimes I pushed him away quite fiercely. I didn't pick at him, I didn't criticize him, but I was brutal, in my own way. I pushed him away as hard as I could, held him to unfair standards, and stonewalled his every attempt at closeness. Even just in friendship. That lasted for years. Sometimes, I'm amazed it ever changed. I'm sure no one else would have been as patient. I don't deserve him."

More like the opposite. But his words gave me pause. If someone as brilliant and sweet as Sahil could freak out and be unkind when he was falling in love, then maybe Russ's hatefulness could be forgivable. Almost. Yes, he was stupid, andwrong, but that didn't mean he didn't feel what he said he did. He'd lashed out because he was an idiot and didn't know how to deal with his feelings.

He didn't love me; he couldn't. But he'd thought he did, and he'd taken the frustration out on me. It sort of made sense, when it hadn't before.

I let out a breath. "Do you think he thinks he means it?"

"Yes. I can talk to him, though. You shouldn't have to put up with unwanted attentions. No one should."

"Okay. Thank you." It felt good to release the reins, to let go, to let Sahil save me and rescue the situation. If anyone could, it was Sahil. "I love you," I told him softly. Maybe he'd never know how much I meant it, but he could know some of it.

"I love you, too. I'm always going to be here for you, Charlie. Always." He cleared his throat. "Would you prefer I wait and talk with Russell in person? Or should I call him as soon as I can and lay it on the line for him?"

I thought about it, hesitating, on the edge of knowing what to do and then not knowing at all. "Wait, I guess." It might be weird over the phone. Sahil was good with wolves, and good with phones, but some of us weren't good with phones. There were no scents to tell you the full tale of the conversation; it was like being half-blinded.

"Are you certain you're comfortable taking him to meet your parents? I'd think you'd want to stay far away from him."