Page 10 of Not My Mate

I really didn't blame them for that. For any of it. They'd adopted me and loved me when no one else wanted me, right? I'd felt their love, and I still did. It just hadn't fixed me, hadn't changed the fact that I would never really fit in anywhere. Accepting that about myself had been difficult, but it was better to face the truth and learn to live with it.

But dogs didn't get teenage angst. They didn't have to figure out what to do with their lives. They just soaked up love and gave it right back. Dogs would never be as complicated as wolf shifters.

"We miss you," Mom said. "Try to visit soon?" It wasn't a demand; it didn't even sound like a very hopeful question. Maybe she'd given up, or maybe she didn't want me to visit anyway and it was just a polite formality.

"I'll try," I promised, wondering whether I meant it or not. Sometimes I just didn't know what I was feeling, what had meaning, and whether anything was true or not.

I put the phone away after carefully trying to wipe off the prints I'd left. When I looked up, I saw Russ there in the doorway, watching me. Just standing there and watching me. I bristled, of course. "Eavesdrop much?" I snarled, feeling strangely betrayed. Of course I shouldn't have expected him to actually change his ways. Of course not.

He raised his hands, trying to look innocent. "Hey, I just got here. Grant's barbequing. He said you should join in. There's meat," he added unnecessarily.

I curled my lip. "Great." Join in the fun and games with Grant Fucking Ralstead lording it all over us. The lord of the manor, showing off his husband who loved him and would never love me.

"Hey." He took two quick steps closer, concern in his eyes. "I'll tell him you're busy, okay?"

I nodded, not wanting to speak. He looked into my eyes, searching and concerned. What had happened to that mean streak of his? And if all it took to get rid of it was telling himYou're hurting me, why hadn't I tried that sooner?

I really didn't understand him at all.

He moved closer and touched my arm. I drew back automatically, because that was what I did. "Don't touch me." I wasn't crying or anything, and even if I had been, he didn't need to comfort me. If he even could.

"Of course." His mouth twisted for an instant, but a moment later that look was gone, replaced by acceptance.

The door creaked. "Charlie?" asked a familiar, tentative voice. Sahil was standing there, beautifully outlined by the light outside. He was so perfect. My throat caught, and for a moment I couldn't breathe. He was so close, and so completely out of reach.

"Won't you come eat, Charlie? I'm worried about you. You've been busy for days."

I had been. I'd made sure of it.

I ducked my head. Sahil walked up to me with his usual quiet, smooth steps. He put one hand on my arm, the other on my chin, tilting it, making me look up at him. "Please come eat?"

"I'll bring him something. I won't let him starve." Russ sounded grumpy.

"Of course you won't," said Sahil, his voice gentle, his touch soft. I dared to rest my chin against his hand. It felt so good to be near him, to have him care how I felt. "But it would be nice if you could be with the rest of us. There are a lot of wolves there, and others. A chance to let down your hair. No pressure to interact, just hang out. Eat. Maybe dance a little."

No thank you on the dancing. If there was dancing, that meant Grant would be all over Sahil, and I'd feel sick and like I couldn't breathe if I had to watch.

I shook my head, withdrawing regretfully. "I'll...stay here."

"Charlie," said Sahil hesitantly. "Have you ever — have you ever thought about visiting a pack, just for little bit to see how you feel around other wolves? It might be helpful, you know, if you could join a pack someday. It might make things a little easier for you."

I shook my head, but Russ was already interrupting, shoving his way into the conversation. "Yes, do that, Charlie. You could visit my pack. You'd be welcome. Maybe you'd like hanging out with other wolves, when it's not just me."

I wanted to punch him. Sahil looked so hopeful.

"I don't think so," I said. "I'm more of a loner."

"You don't really know if you don't try." Sahil's voice was quiet, regretful. He adjusted the lapels of my flannel shirt, looking there instead of at my face. "I just want you to be happy, Charlie. Won't you try?"

"I am trying."

Was I? Perhaps working on engines wasn't going to cut it much longer. It wasn't as though I was getting over my feelings for Sahil by hiding away in here. But why should I get over the only love I had in my life? Maybe it was misguided and unrequited and hopeless. Maybe it hurt a lot. But without that, what would I have left? I would be an automaton, going through life with nothing.

I cleared my throat. "I don't want to leave."

"Nobody's asking you to leave. I love having you here, you know that." He put his hands on my shoulders. He had to reach up, because he was a lot shorter than I. "But leaving for a couple of days, well, that wouldn't hurt, right?" His smile was crooked, his eyes heartbreakingly beautiful — but not happy. He wasn't happy. "Charlie, you shouldn't waste your life taking care of me. I'm okay. I want you to take care of you, too."

I snorted. I barely resisted rolling my eyes. "And you think going to visit some pack and socializing would help?"