Page 27 of Not My Mate

"So you've said. But I have parents. It's hard enough with them. I don't want to try to find more and have it be even more awkward with them. They'll be wolves, and I'm not good with wolves," I finished awkwardly, thinking of stupid Russ and his stupid pack.

And those guys he'd been so mad about when I stopped to help. What a hypocrite. Wolves were supposed to help each other if they could; even I knew that. He'd rather stick to petty squabbles and remembered rivalries. It was just like him, really. Thinking he was so deep and special while he was the pettiest person in the universe.

"Did Russell do something?" Sahil demanded. "I've told him not to push."

I took a breath. "Why?" I turned the question around on him, feeling surprisingly good at this conversation thing today. "Did you think he might?"

Sahil was silent for a moment, as if he was deciding how to answer. "He watches you all the time."

"He also fights with me and harasses me all the time."

"Really?" Sahil's surprise seemed genuine. "I thought you two were getting along fairly well these days. You work together extremely well, and I haven't seen you fighting for a long time."

I took a deep breath, squeezed my eyes shut, and admitted it. "We do. We just try to hide it. It's not cool to fight in front of you. We still fight a lot. I think I hate him," I confessed guiltily.

You weren't supposed to hate a teammate, and him thinking he could love me — well, I should definitely not hate him for that, shouldn't I? I should be able to let him down nicely. But there was nothing nice in my feelings towards him. I wanted him dead; I wanted him to hurt as much as I did.

Those thoughts scared me a little, so I pushed them away again. It's not nice to feel murderous about someone who says they care about you.

Even if they've never once fucking shown that they actually do, or can think of anything beside themselves.

"Charlie?" said Sahil. "Why did you agree to go with him if you're not getting along? Did you think I'd make you?"

"No." I rubbed my forehead, squeezing my eyes shut in a grimace. "I don't know. I didn't want to disappoint you. And I wanted to go away for a while."

"If you can't get along, you shouldn't have gone with him. I know things have been difficult lately. You mustn't let yourself be pushed into situations that make things even less tolerable." He sighed. "I worry about you, Charlie. When are you going to speak up for yourself? I know you can learn to do that. I know you can."

"I thought it would be okay."

"And it wasn't?" He was gentle again, no longer lecturing me.

I took a breath. "He — he kissed my neck. When we were fighting. It was — I was really mad. Then he had the nerve to say we were mates, or we could be, or something like that. It was creepy and gross. How could he say that shit?"

"I suppose he's attracted to you. I'm sorry it went so wrong. Are you okay?"

"Not really, but I'm getting there."

"You shouldn't let him tag along with you. Let him go back to his pack. Unless you need him there for some reason?" He sounded cautious and uncertain.

"I don't know."

I was still mad at Russ, but I didn't want to send him away. How could I get my revenge if I sent him away? And he was so afraid that I was going to kill myself. Which, of course, I wasn't. But it wouldn't be the right sort of revenge to send him away while he was thinking that. That was just gross, to let him think I'd kill myself over him. As if I'd waste my life that way! It was conceited of him to think I might.

"You don't feel any attraction for him, then?" said Sahil. "I've often wondered if there might be sparks there. Of course, it's not my business. I'm just surprised that it came down to a confession, but it's completely one-sided. I suppose I thought it would remain unspoken, or else there might be something on both sides? I'm talking nonsense, aren't I?"

"Yes," I growled. "I don't believe in that bullshit. You know I don't."

He was silent for a second. "You don't believe in mates? I thought all wolves—" He broke off.

"All wolves? Who's stereotyping now, Sahil?"

"I apologize," he said stiffly. "You've never said anything before. But I've never met another wolf shifter who didn't."

Put like that, his assumption made sense. "I trusted my instincts once, and it was wrong. Never again."

"You trusted—" His voice trailed off again. "Oh, Charlie." The compassion in his voice hurt to hear.

I flopped slowly down on the bed, sideways, curling up small, closing my eyes in the hope that I wouldn't cry. "Why would I let anyone close enough to hurt me ever again?" I asked in a wobbly voice. "He doesn't love me. He's just a confused dickhead with too much time on his hands. He thinks he's charming, but he isn't. He's just a piece of shit."