Page 49 of Never Let Go (Forbidden #1)

Chapter Forty-Nine

LAUREN

“ I love you.”

The tears won’t stop falling as I leave Caleb. My heart’s ripping into shattered pieces that sprinkle along the ground as I walk. But it’s all part of the plan.

‘Phase one’ is complete and I’ve never been so miserable in my entire fucking life.

I can only hope he forgives me when this is all said and done.

We needed to get the dean away from Caleb, so the easiest way to keep him safe was to ‘break up’ with him.

But it had to look real, otherwise it wouldn’t have worked.

“I love you.”

Sydney’s waiting for me outside, she knew I’d need her afterwards. Coming round to the passenger side of the car, she hugs me, telling me everything will be okay. I nod but how can it be? I’ve lost the one person who stole my heart.

“I love you ”

Those words are a permanent fixture in my mind. Every time I try to think of something else, those words are all I can hear. The look of utter devastation on his face as I broke both of our hearts.

The drive back to the dorms is quiet, Sydney giving me the space I need to sort through my thoughts and me not knowing what to say. I watch the world go by, my head leaning against the window as she drives.

Once we get back to the dorms, I head straight to the showers.

I undress slowly, numb to everything around me.

The tears that had slowed, begin again. I don’t even have the energy to wipe them away, just letting them fall where they may.

There’s no one in here so at least I’m provided some privacy to the meltdown that I’m sure is coming.

I step under the spray and drop my head down.

My tears mingling with the water and going down the drain.

Just like how my life feels right now. A sob escapes me, a guttural cry of heartbreak that this is happening.

That I finally learn to love someone, really love someone, for it to be dashed away before it had the chance to start.

I drop to the floor, bringing my knees to my chest, no longer caring if someone hears me or not.

The pain is too overwhelming. The ache in my chest is so tight, I feel like I’m under water, unable to catch a breath, unable to feel anything but this deep all-consuming pain .

I want it to stop. Because if this is what love is, I don’t want it.

I’m not sure how long I sit and cry for, all I know is that the water has long gone cold and I’m shivering.

The tears are slowly drying up, coming in short bursts rather than gut wrenching sobs.

I slowly stand up, enjoying the pain of sitting in cold water that it brought to my body.

The physical pain momentarily dulling the emotional pain and allowing me to sift through my thoughts.

Grabbing my towel, I move toward the mirror, wiping the condensation away to look at myself—red, puffy eyes. Check .

They say if you can look at yourself in the mirror for more than five seconds it’s a sign you're confident in your body and the person that you are. I make it less than two before I’m turning my head away, disgusted at the sight of myself.

Mad at the world for making me ‘desirable’ enough that a crazed man has taken it upon himself to ruin my life—or what feels like it—all because he woke up one day and said, “she’s mine.

” I scoff internally at the idea that I would ever be his.

I get dressed, putting my sweats and hoodie on before grabbing my things, and heading back to my room. My feet shuffle slowly, as if my brain and body don’t want to cooperate. The numbness traveling to every part of my body, refusing to work without my other half.

When I open the door, Sydney’s holding a glass in one hand and a mug in the other.

“I’m not sure what you need right now, babe. Alcohol to numb the pain or coffee because… well, it’s coffee.” She laughs lightly, trying to make me smile but I don’t have it in me.

“Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol,” I mumble as I grab a blanket and curl up on the sofa.

“You got it. One glass of numbness coming right up.”

Sydney comes over, handing me the glass and watching as I take a big gulp, almost downing it in one.

“I’m just… gonna go and grab the bottle,” she says, wide eyed.

“Good idea.”

Sydney comes back and sits in her usual seat opposite me, sipping her drink. “Have you heard from douchebag?” she asks.

We’ve dubbed the dean ‘douchebag.’ He needed a name that would make me fear him less, something that made him less of a threat—in my head, anyway.

“No, not yet. I’m not sure what’s worse.

What happened with Caleb today or sitting waiting for this ‘call’ I’m supposed to be getting.

” I take another healthy gulp of my wine before adding, “Right, one night…” Sydney raises an eyebrow at me wondering where I’m going with this.

“One night of having a pity party. Then tomorrow it’s back to it. ”

Sydney looks at me, pity filling her hazel eyes. “Lo—” she starts.

“Please, Syd,” I implore her, tears filling my eyes again.

“I can’t live like this. I can’t live with the pain I’m feeling right now.

I need to focus on something else… anything else.

I’m not going to be jumping into anyone’s bed but I can work and I can concentrate on school, until each day starts hurting a little less.

” I plead with my eyes for her to understand.

It’s the only way I’m going to get through this without crumbling completely.

She nods her head. “While it’s not healthy” —I go to interrupt but she holds up a hand, silencing me— “I will support whatever you need. I can see you care about him.”

I give her a watery smile, the tears fighting to get out and for once in my life I stop fighting.

I let them come. I embrace the emotions that I was always taught to hide, to stuff down because they were a sign of weakness.

I let Sydney hold me as I cry for me, for Caleb.

Vowing that one way or another Dean Williams will not win whatever this is.