Page 4 of My Husband’s Wife

Three

I lie in Zach’s arms and ponder over that raven toy as I snuggle against his hairy chest. I’m still slightly flushed but I think I’ve come back down to earth now. ‘I’ve missed this.’

‘What, the sex?’ he asks with a laugh.

I move from his arms and sit up in bed. ‘Not just the sex.’ I playfully slap his bare arm and then kiss him again as I attempt to put the toy out of my mind. I haven’t been this close to my husband in ages and I want to be present.

‘Okay, my charm, wit and good looks.’

‘Now you’re talking.’ We have this banter which is why I feel so comfortable with him.

He is the complete opposite to Hugo. Hugo was serious and mysteriously romantic.

He was my Heathcliff. Zach is funny, more salt-of-the-earth and loves nothing more than rolling around on the floor wrestling with Freddie and Caiden.

I imagine our new house filled with more children – once we’ve settled in, of course. ‘I feel so lucky.’

‘I can see why. I’m a catch.’ He presses his lips together and raises his brows as he waits for me to laugh.

However hard I try to push the toy raven to the back of my mind, it won’t stay there and I don’t know if I should bring it up. The last thing I want to do is start a deep conversation about Hugo during our first night together in weeks, just after we’ve made love.

‘Eva, is everything okay?’

I smile as I twist a few strands of hair and accidentally tear a bit out. Damn, I haven’t done that since Hugo died. I gently reach for the hair close to my neck, where the bald patch used to be, then I bring my hand back down. ‘It’s just something earlier…’

‘Something?’

‘I was listening outside the door to Caiden’s bedroom and I heard him talking to himself.’

‘Well, he is ten. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. What was he saying?’

‘Nothing really. He was just chattering away to Doggo.’ I don’t want to mention that he was pretending to speak to Hugo. ‘But that isn’t why I’m concerned.’

‘What’s worrying you?’ He holds my hand.

‘I found something and it…’ I felt stupidly overwhelmed after seeing the toy raven but I can’t explain why Caiden has it.

‘Okay, what did you find?’

‘Caiden had this toy. It’s a raven with a sucker on the bottom so it can be attached to things.’

‘Okay.’

‘It wasn’t just any toy; it was the one that Hugo used to have on his dashboard.

I bought it for Hugo before Caiden was born because he used to watch them nest outside our house, then he lost it when we were on holiday.

’ I shrug as I have no idea how it could have gone missing.

‘I knew he liked it so I helped Caiden buy Hugo the exact same raven the Christmas before he died. As soon as he opened the gift, Hugo put it on his dashboard and it never came off. He literally treasured it.’ I pause. ‘When Hugo’s car…’

Zach shifts away from me and looks up at the ceiling and I know mentioning Hugo has ruined our first night together in our new home.

Not once has he tried to erase Hugo from mine and Caiden’s past so I’m not sure why he suddenly looks so distant.

I continue speaking in the hope he’ll mellow again.

‘Well, I thought that raven went down with Hugo, and now Caiden has it.’

Zach sighs and speaks in a matter-of-fact tone. ‘Could Caiden have found the one that got lost? Or maybe your mum bought it for him.’

‘She’d have told me.’

‘Is it possible that Hugo never had the raven in his car when he died?’

Thoughts are awhirl in my mind. Could Hugo have given it to Caiden? If so, why, and how come Caiden never mentioned that he had it? ‘I don’t know. All I know is that Hugo was in that car and he died and I always thought that raven was in the car too.’

That day still haunts me. I’d been away with Mum.

I’d missed the calls from the police as we pulled up the next morning to see police tape and officers everywhere.

That’s when I learned what had happened to Hugo.

Hugo hadn’t wanted me to go away that Saturday night to watch a show in London with Mum and Caiden, that was one of the reasons we argued.

He never wanted me to go anywhere without him.

I gasp, feeling momentarily suffocated by how much he cared.

When I got back home and the police officer told me what had happened, I couldn’t breathe.

My mother caught me as I collapsed, and Caiden cried so loud, I was deafened to everything around me.

Weeks later, they confirmed that the DNA of the body in the car matched that of my husband.

Zach grips my hand under the quilt and I flinch. ‘Sorry, I was in a world of my own. You’re right, maybe Mum did buy it for Caiden. That’s all I can think of.’

The alternative is unthinkable. Had Hugo left the raven for Caiden, knowing that he was going to die? Had he made our son swear to never tell me he had it?