Page 11 of My Husband’s Wife

Ten

Caiden and Zach playfight on the floor after watching wrestling.

Normally I smile and cheer Caiden on, but this evening all I can think about is Hugo.

I scroll through my phone and click back onto Madison AveNew, and I frown at that photo.

I’ve tried to enlarge Theo’s face in the corner but when I pinch to zoom, the resolution is poor and it becomes a blur.

I tried to search for him on social media.

I can’t find a Theo Hudson on any platform that looks remotely like him, but that was to be expected.

My phone rings. I pick it up and see Mum’s name on the screen. Mum has always sensed when something is wrong, which is why I can’t speak to her.

Zach holds his hands in the air as Caiden lets him out of a headlock. ‘I surrender. You win. Caiden is the wrestling king.’

Caiden runs around the dining table, then he circles the kitchen island twice, arms in the air, shouting ‘loser’ at Zach.

My flustered husband gets up and falls heavily onto the couch opposite me, where he takes a moment to get his breath back.

I check my phone and it lights up. Mum has left a message.

I place it face down on the coffee table and stare out into the darkness, and all I see is the light from a bobbing boat on the horizon.

‘Who was that?’ Zach points to my phone.

‘Mum.’

‘She’s been trying to call all week. Don’t you think you should give her a bell? She rang me earlier when you were out with your friends, wondering why you hadn’t called. You know what she’s like. She worries.’

‘She worries too much.’

‘So just call her and she’ll stop ringing every five minutes.’

I can’t tell Zach why I don’t want to speak to her, but if I don’t call, she’ll start messaging and leaving even more voicemails. Even worse, she might just turn up.

‘Eva?’

‘What?’ I look up from my phone.

‘You seem a bit distant tonight. You’re not having second thoughts about the move, are you?’

Why would he think that? ‘No. I love it here.’

‘You’ve seemed distant all week. It got me thinking; you’ve moved away from your mum, your work friends, your whole support network. Caiden is missing his friends. He told me. It’s okay to feel a little bit unsettled.’ He pauses. ‘You would tell me if you weren’t okay, wouldn’t you?’

I’ve only briefly touched on my past. Zach knows that I’ve suffered with my mental health but he doesn’t know how bad it got, how I had a stress-related breakdown after failing year two at uni, then how I had the mother of all relapses when Caiden was born.

He’s worried about me and I like that. I want to lean over and kiss him, and tell him that everything is okay.

Mostly, I want him to not even think about my mental health, especially if Mum is texting him direct.

One wrong word to Mum and she’ll be over like a shot to take over my life.

Actually, I am going to lean over and kiss him gently, show him that I’m fine.

Caiden pretends to put his fingers down his throat and giggles.

‘I am so happy. I think I’m just tired, what with starting my new job.’ Do not mention thinking you saw Hugo or he’ll think you’re crazy. A part of me wants to share those nagging inner thoughts, but the little voice in my head is telling me to keep my mouth shut. ‘I love you.’

‘Love you too. Remember, we’re in this together so just kick me if you want me to help with anything.’

I go to kiss him but his lips barely brush mine before he pulls away. Things don’t feel right and I don’t know why. He’s saying the right things but there’s a distance between us that I can’t explain. Maybe I’m just imagining it. It’s been a long day. ‘I’ll go upstairs and ring Mum.’

‘Good idea. That’ll be one more job off your plate.’

I’m always anxious when I procrastinate.

Maybe that’s all it is and I’ve nothing to get anxious about.

‘You’re right as usual. Mum is a worry monster and if I don’t call her, I’ll have three million missed calls before the night is out.

’ Now I feel mean. I sound like I’m calling my mum to stop her hassling me.

It is in part true but I think the world of Mum.

‘Great. Me and the CaiMan are going to put some popcorn in the microwave and choose a film to watch on Netflix.’

Zach stands and high fives Caiden as they walk to the kitchen and pull a huge bowl out from the cupboard. It clatters on the worktop until it settles.

I grab my phone and head upstairs to our bedroom.

A chill in the air sends a shiver through me so I get into bed and prop the pillows up. Phone in hand, I call Mum and she instantly answers.

‘Eva, is everything okay? I’ve been worrying like mad about you.’

‘I’m fine, Mum. I’ve been really busy with the new job, that’s all.’

She sighs. ‘It feels like you’ve been avoiding me.’

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to feel that way.’ I allow a silence to replace our conversation. It’s as if Mum is waiting for me to speak. I can’t help myself so I say something. ‘Mum?’

‘What is it, sweetheart? Mums know when something’s wrong and they know when they’re being avoided.’

I know sharing my inner thoughts with Mum is risky but I have no one else to talk to.

Mum loves a real-life crime programme as much as the next person which is why I want to open up to her a little.

‘Mum, I know we’ve spoken about things like this before but I’ve been wondering how accurate DNA really is.

Hasn’t everyone got unique DNA?’ I say that with doubt.

I could have searched online for the answer but I didn’t.

All I have in my head is what the police told me.

They concluded that the body at the bottom of the huge hill was Hugo’s, and that there was no room for any kind of doubt.

‘They do. Is this about Hugo? It’s okay to think about him and miss him. I know you’re married to Zach now but Hugo was your husband, he was Caiden’s father and you had a whole life planned out together. It’s okay to still be grieving but you have to accept he’s gone.’

‘I do. Oh, did you give Caiden a raven toy, the same as the one Hugo used to have in his car?’

‘No.’ She pauses. ‘I let him rummage through a box of things that one of my friends left at the house to add to my charity shop pile. Maybe there was one in there.’

I puff my cheeks out and exhale slowly. ‘Maybe.’ She’s silent. Neither of us wants to talk about the last time I was hospitalised, so I am going to refuse to bring that up.

‘Are you looking after yourself?’

‘I feel great. I’m eating well, getting my steps in and the sea air really agrees with me.’

‘So why are you asking about DNA?’

‘I was just curious.’

‘Curious? You forget, I know you better than anyone else in the world. From the moment I found out you were growing inside me, I’ve wanted nothing more than for you to be happy. I know that when you avoid speaking to me like you have this week, something’s wrong.’

I swallow hard and I’m sure she heard. ‘It’s just…

’ I don’t know how to put this without sounding crazy – but I have to try.

My thoughts never switch off and I feel this sense of overwhelm; so much so, I want to climb into my wardrobe to shut all the noise out, but I know it will follow me there.

‘When I was working the other day, I saw a man who looked just like Hugo,’ I say in a hushed voice.

I don’t want Zach to overhear me. He was worried that I wasn’t ready to marry him when I did.

It was hurried. Maybe I wasn’t ready, but I do love him. Caiden loves him too.

‘You do know that it couldn’t possibly be Hugo, don’t you?’

I need to tell her the rest. ‘This man likes birdwatching and has the same mole. He’s identical. His eyes are brown though. It threw me. He’s an absolute doppelg?nger.’

‘Sweetheart, a lot of people like birdwatching and have similar features to those we know.’

‘It’s so specific.’

‘Yes, but still. That man isn’t Hugo. You know, when I’m in a crowd, I sometimes still catch a glimpse of your nan, then I realise it’s not her and I feel this deep sense of loss all over again.

Grief hits us when we are least expecting it.

Our minds play tricks on us. That’s all this is.

’ She pauses. ‘I think you should see your doctor.’

‘No. I don’t need to. I’m fine.’ I can’t believe I told her what was going through my mind. Now she’s going to be like a dog with a bone. Why didn’t I keep my thoughts to myself? I’m such an idiot.

She’s silent, which means she totally disagrees with me. ‘This is how it started last time, and the time before. First, you see things that aren’t real. Second, you believe them and they become real. Please, Eva. I beg of you, go to the doctor. Have you told Zach?’

My silence will probably answer that question for her.

‘Thought not.’

‘Mum.’ Caiden calls me.

‘I have to go. We’re meant to be watching a film.

Please forget I said anything, Mum. I promise you I’m okay.

You’re right. It’s grief and I’m being a silly sausage.

’ I try to smile so she can hear me lightening the tone of my voice.

She used to call me a silly sausage when I was little if I put my shoes on the wrong feet and we always joked about that.

I hope she can park what I’ve said and trust me when I say I’m fine.

‘I’ll call you tomorrow. Love to you all.’

Caiden bursts into my bedroom and jumps on my bed.

‘Love you. Bye.’ I put the phone down and pull my son close to me. His warmth feels comforting.

‘Are you upset, Mummy?’

‘No, lovely. I was just talking to Nanny and she said she loves you.’

‘I love Nanny too.’ He pauses. ‘I miss her.’

Of course he does. Mum spent the last five years bringing him up with me.

As I hug Caiden and hold back my tears, I regret mentioning Hugo to my mum.

It was stupid, but there is no going back.

Could it be that I’m delusional? Or was seeing Hugo in Theo some kind of weird hallucination brought on by grief?

I’ve seen things before, horrible things. They weren’t real.

I’m stressed. I feel alone here. I miss my old colleagues.

These symptoms are a recipe for disaster. But I know what I saw. I saw Hugo.