Page 16 of My Husband’s Wife

Fifteen

I exhale slowly and walk through my front door with a fake relaxed and happy expression pasted on my face. She can’t see the worry that I’m holding inside. Freddie wags his tail and I pat him on the head. Mum is already there to greet me, her full-length charcoal-grey coat still buttoned up.

‘I tried to call you earlier, sweetheart.’

‘What is it, has something happened?’ If there wasn’t an emergency, why else would she be here? I know. She’s concerned about me. I’m the emergency. Her expression is one of pity and I can’t believe she drove all the way here without speaking to me first.

‘No, I woke up this morning and was really missing you and Caiden, so I thought, why not visit? I wanted to see your new house. There’s a holiday park close by. I’ve already called and they have a chalet I can rent so I won’t get in your way.’

Zach comes up behind her. He raises his brows as if to say, did you know she was coming? I can’t answer him, obviously, but if I knew Mum was about to turn up, I wouldn’t have agreed to go out for a pub lunch with him.

He clears his throat. ‘We were just about to go out for something to eat before Caiden finishes school. I think I’ll make something instead, then I’ll collect him so you two can catch up. Do you want to join us for lunch, Susan? You must be hungry after the journey.’

‘I’ve disrupted your plans. I’m really sorry.’ Mum hugs herself, embracing her bag, like she always does.

‘Nonsense, Susan. You’re always welcome here. Let me take your coat.’ Zach always says the right things.

My mum smiles but that smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She passes her coat to Zach. Underneath she is wearing her favourite shapeless orange jumper, the one that needed de-bobbling several years ago.

‘That sounds lovely and you’re right. I’m famished. We can eat and you can tell me everything. I’ve already had the house tour,’ she says to me.

However nice Zach is to her, she still suspects him of using me which is ludicrous.

I may have put most of the money into this house but Zach has been here making it a home.

A bit more doubt creeps in. Since talking with Nicole on the beach, I know he, maybe they, are hiding something from me.

Now I’ve had a bit of distance from our conversation, I wonder why she brought up the pub and Zach’s brother.

Why didn’t Zach mention something as silly as joining a pool team, making a few friends and speaking to her at the pub?

Why didn’t she mention it before now and why did she decide to tell me today?

It doesn’t help that I feel Nicole and I are becoming close as friends.

Maybe that’s why she told me. I could do without these worries on top of my suspicions about Theo.

My mum continues speaking, ‘This house is gorgeous. I can see why you moved here even though I miss you all to bits.’ Her brown wavy hair falls over her shoulders as she fluffs it up.

I lead her to the snug as Zach heads to the kitchen, leaving us to talk. ‘Look, I know I’ve turned up unannounced but?—’

‘Mum, I’m really busy at the moment with work.

It’s not a good time.’ A short while ago, I wanted her to be here so I could hug her, but I want to talk to Zach, so I wish she wasn’t here.

I feel the buzzing in my head again, like I have done in the past. When everything gets too much, the tsunami of thoughts start.

My heart thrums hard. If I could, I’d walk away and take some time out.

Though, if I dare to do that, my mum will suffocate me with concern.

‘I know and I feel bad but I was worried after our last conversation. I’ve been trying to call you back.

You don’t answer and you send me that photo, and I can see you’ve been pulling at your hair.

’ She walks around me, checking out my appearance to see if I’ve been looking after myself, then she examines the back of my head like she used to do when I was a child.

I hated the mittens she used to make me wear to stop me picking.

I told her that my school friends had started bullying me and she still made me wear them.

I flinch and step out of the way. ‘I’m okay.’ I tease the hair down that she’s ruffled. So far Zach hasn’t noticed and I want to keep it that way.

‘That looks sore. I hate to see you like this again.’ She reaches up and strokes my face like she always did when I was a little girl.

I’ve been half a foot taller than her since I reached fourteen.

She hugs me. She cares and all she’s done is help me with everything.

We managed her work shifts and mine so we could both bring Caiden up together after Hugo died.

How could I stay angry at her? I enjoy her warmth and the scent of her peach shampoo – the smell of home – she’s used the same shampoo since I was twelve.

I find that smell grounding when I’m anxious and I’m anxious at the moment.

It’s in this moment I realise that I need my mum. She knew I needed her and she came.

The words tumble out of me, about crashing into the fence and seeing Hugo again, how his gaze lingered on the photo of Caiden. ‘It’s him. I did doubt myself but after seeing him again I’m certain.’

She sits on my plump couch next to the log burner, then she grabs a cushion to hug. Always something to hug, that’s Mum. ‘Sweetheart, we’ve talked about this. It can’t be him. It’s impossible and you know it.’

I check the hallway to see if Zach is close by; he isn’t.

He’s still in the kitchen clattering plates on the worktop as he prepares our lunch.

I’m safe to carry on talking. I don’t want Zach to worry about me and I don’t want him to think I’m not over Hugo because I am…

I was. ‘It’s him,’ I snap. ‘And I’m worried about Caiden. ’

‘Is Caiden okay?’

‘Yes…no. He talks to himself; well, it’s only been twice. Actually, I’ve heard him talking to his dad like he’s in the room. If I hadn’t seen Hugo, I’d have put it down to grief; now I wonder if he’s seen Hugo too. Something has made him think of Hugo.’

‘Darling, that’s not possible because Hugo is dead . You have to accept it and move on. This is stressing you out and it’s all for nothing.’

My thoughts go back to overhearing my son.

He claimed to be talking to Doggo and we’d just turned up at the new house.

He couldn’t have seen Theo before we got here, so I think the raven toy triggered memories of his father.

I still wonder if he got it from that cupboard but why, and how did it get there?

Or did he have it with him when we left Malvern?

‘When did Caiden rummage through that stuff that was destined for the charity shop?’

‘Are you talking about the raven and how he might have got it?’

I know I didn’t explain myself well but I’m getting confused with everything and my mind is moving at a million miles an hour.

First it’s full of Theo, then of me seeing his face close up, then Madison telling me that they’re getting married sooner and packing up to live in Loch Ness; and I’m starting to doubt Zach.

I drove into a fence. My mind goes quiet as I concentrate on my breathing.

I doubt Zach, and that doubt couldn’t have come at a worse time because I need him more than ever.

If only I’d never had my breakdowns. I’d be able to speak openly to everyone.

However, I feel if I show one sniff of me being on my crazy path again, I don’t know what will happen; I couldn’t bear to be parted from my darling boy if I had to go to hospital.

I’d rather die than lose him for a single minute.

‘Eva, the raven?’

‘Oh, yes. When could he have got hold of it?’ I ask.

‘It was about two weeks before you moved.’

I blow out a breath and place a hand over my ever-increasing heartbeat. ‘That makes sense.’

‘I’m glad something does. So is everything okay now?’ She tilts her head. ‘You’re stressed and it isn’t good for you.’

‘I am not stressed,’ I snap. Stress isn’t causing all this. It’s Hugo, Theo, whatever his name is.

She pats the seat next to her so I sit. ‘I’m here for you and we’re going to get through this, okay? We’re going to book you an appointment at the doctor’s and get this sorted.’

No, no, no – not again. I am not having a breakdown and I know what happens when doctors get involved.

This is real, not a manifestation of my psychosis.

That is all behind me. I want to yell this out loud, but Mum won’t believe me and Zach will run in wondering what the hell is going on.

‘I’ll call them.’ I won’t but she doesn’t need to know that.

She places her cold hand over mine. ‘It’s for the best, before things get worse. This isn’t like that time at uni or when you’d just had Caiden. We know it’s coming on now. We know what to look out for and seeing things that aren’t real is a biggie.’

‘But I saw him and he was there.’

‘You think he was there.’

I clench my fists. ‘This is not stress-induced psychosis and I am not having another breakdown. It’s real.’

Mum’s eyes are watering. She’s helped me back from rock bottom more than once.

She talked me down from that wall, the same one Hugo drove through.

She collected me from uni when I thought all my roomies were plotting to poison me because I’d fallen out with one of them.

I only ate food out of packets for nearly a month, all because of exam stress.

That’s why I flunked year two. She knows me better than anyone but she doesn’t know me now, because what I’m seeing is real.

I pull my phone from my pocket and find Madison AveNew’s page.

I try to find that photo with Hugo in the background to show her, but it’s gone.

I scroll and scroll before throwing my phone hard onto the coffee table.

‘There was a photo. I could have shown you but it’s been deleted. ’

‘Are you sure it was ever there?’

I bow my head in thought. One of the mums at the café had shown it to me. I remember now, it was Christie. ‘Yes. He’s made Madison delete it.’

Zach calls out. ‘Food’s done.’

Mum grips my hand. She doesn’t know what to say so she remains silent. We both compose ourselves before leaving the snug and heading to the dining table. The view of the sea is a little brighter than earlier.

‘I’d never tire of this view,’ Mum says as she sits. I sit next to her and feel Freddie’s damp nose on my leg as he waits for me to drop him a treat from my plate.

‘I hope you like cheese sandwiches and chicken soup.’ Zach places a plate full of sandwiches down and brings the bowls and a bottle of water over.

‘This is lovely, Zach. Thank you,’ Mum replies as she takes a little triangle sandwich and begins eating.

How can she eat? If I attempt to eat now, I’ll throw up, so I sit back and taste the tiniest bit of the soup.

‘I have some news,’ Zach says as he pours us all a glass of water.

He never mentioned any news to me.

‘I was going to take Eva to lunch today to tell her that a job I tendered for has come up. Well, I didn’t originally get the job, someone else did but they’ve let the contractor down, so now they’re offering me the work instead. I’ve accepted.’

I put the conversation that Mum and I were just having to one side and smile. Zach has been working hard to get bigger contracts so that he can earn more and I’m happy for him. ‘When do you start?’

‘Tomorrow, at seven in the morning. There’s this new development and they need a plasterer to work with someone else on twenty houses.

We have two weeks to get the job done, and there will be more work from this developer after.

They have houses everywhere. They’re huge, Eva. It’s going to be amazing for us.’

‘That’s great. Where is it?’

‘They mostly have properties around this way, so the next jobs will be closer but for the next two weeks, I’ll be based in Worcester.’

That’s close to where we lived in Malvern. ‘How are you going to travel there every day? It’s too far.’

He smiles. ‘They’re putting me and some of the other subbies up in a rental house. I might be able to come back next weekend to see you and Caiden if I can wangle a couple of days off, but the following week, I’ll definitely work right through, then I’ll be back home for good.’

I don’t want him to leave. We have so much to talk about.

How can I mention what Nicole said just as he’s about to leave me for two weeks?

‘So are you going in the morning?’ I know my forehead’s creased and my mouth is downturned.

He pauses and I can tell he’s leaving tonight. ‘You’re going later, aren’t you?’

‘I can’t turn this down, Eva. It’s so much money and we need it at the moment. It’s only two weeks.’

I rely on him for so much. ‘You look after Caiden when I’m working and pick him up from school when I can’t. We’re a team. How am I meant to cope?’

‘I’m here, sweetheart. I can help.’ Mum looks almost happy that he’s going.

‘That’s a great idea and as I said, it’s only two weeks then we’ll work it out if I do more for them. Why don’t you stay here, Susan? I’m sure it’ll be more comfortable than staying in a chalet.’

‘I’d love that, if you’re okay with me staying, Eva.’

‘I’ll change Caiden’s bed for you and he can sleep in the spare room on the sofa bed.’ Mum gets a bad back so this seems like the only solution because I’m not sharing a bed with her.

For the first time, Mum seems to be warming to Zach as they exchange smiles.

I think mentioning earning money has helped her see him in a better light.

As for me, Zach and I still need to talk about Nicole.

My shoulders drop. Everything about Mum’s sudden arrival feels a bit convenient.

Maybe she was due a little later and Zach was going to tell me over lunch, but I almost think they planned this.