Page 89 of Mr. Naughty List
The glowy, post-sunset light barely illuminated the interior of the car, but he didn’t need it to know what her expression was when she said, “Aaron…”
“Look, why should I be the one to call her?” He tried to keep his voice calm, but he knew it was tight with anger. “She should be calling me. If I were any other teacher, she would have reached out by now.”
“To fire you, maybe.”
“Maybe. But it’d be something at least.” He snorted. “She’d have made contact. As it is, she’s playing chicken, waiting for me to be the first to break.”
After a quiet moment, Lauren brought it up again. “What about Christmas?”
“I don’t know. If she doesn’t reach out by then, I guess I’ll spend it alone.”
She clucked her tongue. “Rutty would want you out at the farm, I’m sure.”
“He would. But I don’t know if I’d want that. Seems like it would be the sort of thing she’d hold against me forever.” He laughed under his breath. Like this thing with RJ—with having a former student—no, be honest—with having a formermalestudent for a lover wasn’t already something she would hold against him forever?
“She wouldn’t want you to be alone on the holidays.”
“Wouldn’t she?” Aaron was sick of making excuses for his mother. “She wants me to be alone every other day of my life.”
Lauren shifted uncomfortably but obviously couldn’t argue with him about that.
“What is her damage? Why is she like this? What is she afraid of? Being disowned? Of her mother not loving her anymore?” His voice shook. “I’m the one with everything to lose. But what’s the point? I’ve lost it all anyway.”
“Your mom is a control freak.”
“Exactly. She wants to control me and her reputation. And we both know which one she cares the most about.”
“She does. It’s true.” Lauren’s voice was firm from the shadow of the passenger seat. The overheat light flipped on, and Aaron looked at her beneath the harsh glow of it. “She’s a pretty terrible mother, I’ll give you that. She may love you, but her version of love is abusive.”
“Fuck her love. I’ve been the bigger person with her since I was ten. I’m fucking sick of it.”
Wow. He couldn’t believe he’d let that rip in front of Lauren. It wasn’t something he’d admitted to anyone but RJ. Maybe that’s what came of lifting that Band-Aid off. Now he was a throbbing, open wound.
“I can see that.” Lauren reached out and touched his cheek. “I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”
Aaron turned away. Silence reigned for a moment. “Lauren, it’s more than that. Think about it. Your mom’s annoying, yeah, because she’s always trying to set you up with a nice guy from her church, and she calls every other night to update you about the latest events onDays of Our Liveseven though you haven’t watched the show since you lived at home. But your mom isn’t telling you not to be yourself, to hide who you are, to deny yourself joy and love and physical affection and a fucking future. She’s just annoying. Not toxic.”
“You’re right. But Helen is a bigot. A controlling bigot.” Aaron flinched hearing his mother’s first name. It made her sound so human. Like any other person. Not this powerful figure he’d seen her as since childhood. To Lauren, she was just Helen. To him…so much more.
Lauren went on. “And you’velether control you, Aaron. You might not want to admit it now, but sometimes you even seemed to prefer her telling you what to do. At the very least, in the past, you didn’t seem to fight it much.”
Aaron blinked. A flash of RJ saying,“I think you want to be hurt”crossed his mind, along with a sharp memory of the way RJ had taken control of him the prior night and how much he’d liked it. How right it had felt to surrender to him.
Lauren was oblivious to the course of his thoughts. “Of course her worst side is going to show itself when you start to resist her.”
“Do you think I’m a pushover?” Aaron asked softly. “Am I too soft?”
“You’re soft, Aaron, but that’s a wonderful quality to have.”
“How? You’re right. My mom always controlled me. And I let her. Sometimes I even liked that I didn’t have to be in charge of my life. And last night…” He flushed. “Never mind.”
“What?”
“It’s not—”
“Last night…”
Aaron wanted to turn off the overhead light in the car and hide in the darkness, but he pushed on ahead. “RJ and I played a game, and I…let him take control.” He felt his fair skin grow hot, Lauren’s eyes on him, but he didn’t look at her. “I liked that too. It made it easier. Better somehow. It wasn’t fun.” Aaron paused, and at Lauren’s worried expression clarified, “I mean, it wasn’t not fun either. It wasright. It felt necessary? And compelling? I don’t know.” He scrubbed a hand over his hot face. “Maybe I’m a pervert like my mother says.”