Page 73 of Mr. Naughty List
She cocked her head. “I don’t understand.”
RJ groaned and wiped a hand over his eyes. “Because we’ve agreed it’s just a temporary thing. Until I leave on my next tour.”
“So… Aaron doesn’t feel the same way about you?” She sounded sad and a little angry, like she might go yell at Aaron for failing to love her son. It was sweet.
RJ considered Aaron’s confession, when he’d admitted that he wanted to see where this might go, that he wasn’t willing to call it a hookup and be done. “I think he might, actually. But he won’t see it that way. He’s skittish. And even if he does admit to his feelings, it won’t change anything.”
“Now you’ve really confused me.” She crossed her legs on the couch, barefoot and comfortable. “How does loving each other not change anything?”
“I mean it will changeeverything,” RJ corrected. “That’s what makes it trouble. But it won’t matter. It won’t make any difference in the long run. We’ll fall apart like everyone does, and us faster than usual, because, you know…me.”
“You?”
“I’m a bad risk.” RJ shrugged. “I wouldn’t put any bets on myself, why would Aaron?”
“Hon, you’re saying that like…like…” She tossed her hands up. “What on earthareyou saying? You’re speaking in riddles now. Just get it out. Tell me what you mean.”
RJ chewed on his inner cheek, considering. He almost said never mind and walked out of the room, almost made an excuse about just being tired and needing to go write music or practice just to get out of the conversation. But then he remembered Aaron that morning calling him out on his bullshit about his family, about not fitting into it. He never would if he didn’t let them into his life, now would he?
“I don’t really believe in lasting love, Mama,” he finally said. “I mean, I believe inlove. I’ve fallen into it before—with Pan—and that ended with me not able to get away fast enough from the shit show we’d become together. And then there was you and Dad—”
“Oh, RJ.”
He winced. “And then you and Dadagain. The second time was the real kicker, you know? That’s when I knew that love couldn’t last. And I’m not blaming you. I just know it’s true. Things fade, people get tired of each other, the bloom goes off the rose—”
“That’s not what happened between me and your father, and that’s not what happened with Pan either,” she said tightly. Pushing her hair behind her ears again, she leaned forward and caught his gaze in her own, making sure he didn’t look away. “Don’t lie to yourself about the past, because that’ll only poison the future. I spent years lying to myself about your dad, and you’re right, it did nothing good for either of us. But I had to stop eventually, and as soon as I did, Doug came along.”
RJ’s lip twitched. He didn’t do it on purpose. He’d swear to it in a court of law. Still, his face betrayed him.
“What? You don’t like Doug?”
“I like him. He’ll be a good dad to the kids even after, I mean, if…” He swallowed hard. “He does right by Carter, so I know that he’ll do right by Perri and Beau, too. That’s all I can ask.”
She blinked at him, her eyes growing bright with tears.
RJ felt sick. What had he said so wrong?
“Are you… Did you just… Randall James Blitz, are you saying you expect Doug toleave me?”
RJ threw his hands out, blocking her words. “No! Of course not. I mean, you could leave him for all I know.”
“I amnotgoing to leave him!” She threw a pair of folded socks at RJ’s head.
“I didn’t say…!” He dodged a second pair. “Mom, I’m trying to tell you that I don’t believe—”
“That you don’t believe in love. I get it.” She wiped at her eyes before furiously piling the stack of underwear she’d folded onto another stack. RJ’d had no idea folding laundry could be so aggressive. “Because of me. And my choices. And—”
“No. That’s not it at all!” RJ exclaimed. “You’re twisting this all around and backwards.” He let out a slow breath, trying to keep this conversation from going further off the rails. “I just see the way the world works. Love doesn’t last. People divorce, or cheat, or live in bitter resignation with each other. It’s always the same. It’s human nature. It’s not about you, or Doug, or even about Dad—”
“It’s definitely about your dad,” she said bitterly.
“It’s not about Dad! It’s about love!” RJ jerked his hands over his hair. “And how I don’t believe in it. And that sucks, because I’m in it, and it won’t last! And everyone’s going to get hurt!”
His mother stared at him, utterly bewildered. Her eyes glittered with more tears. “I don’t know what you thought you said just now, RJ? But all I’m hearing is how I’m a terrible mother who failed you completely in the most important thing a mother can teach: love. And I don’t even know what to say about that. Except that I’m sorry. I’msosorry. If I could go back and do it all differently I would.”
RJ covered his face, his stomach curdling. He whispered, “You should have aborted me.”
“For fuck’s sake, shut your mouth.”