Page 35 of Merciless Queen (Moretti Mafia #1)

Harlow

A scream ripped from my lungs as another nightmare paralyzed me.

The blanket and sheets were sticking to my skin as my breathing came out erratic and incomplete.

There was a bone crushing pressure on my chest, making it even harder to breathe.

Black dots danced across my vision as his maniacal laughing continued to invade. Why was this one so bad?

“Harlow.” I heard a soft voice break through the panicked haze. “Come back, bellissima.”

And then stunning green eyes invaded my vision as a sob rippled through my chest. “I?—”

“Deep breaths. He can’t hurt you. You are safe.”

“I-I’m sorry. I—” She silenced my banter.

“Don’t be sorry. Do you need anything?” This woman was confusing.

“S-Shower.” She nodded, pulling me into her arms and helping me walk into the bathroom.

Quickly and carefully, she removed the clothes I wore yesterday from my body, and I already felt better without the constricting fabric.

She kicked off her boots. “I’m only taking off some of my clothes.

My tank top and panties will stay on.” I nodded as she quickly took off her slacks and button up shirt.

I stumbled into her as she pulled me close to her.

Her touch was soft against my oversensitive skin, and I didn’t want her to stop. I liked the way her touch felt on my skin. It was gentle and caring. She made the panic inside me subside.

Her hands were carefully on my hips, not too firm or too close to anything intimate, but I was very much naked while she was more so clothed. “Is this okay?” I nodded, leaning my head against her clothed chest.

“Y-Yeah.”

We stayed like this in comfortable silence until the panic subsided, and the only thing I could think of right now was that she should have let me die.

I wouldn’t be anyone's problem if she’d let me bleed out and be with my mom, but that made me feel guilty because I already hurt Lizzy.

It’s been a week since I did it, but I felt peace when the glass cut my skin.

Everyone had been watching me like a hawk, waiting for me to do something again. I had yet to have a session with Serena, because everyone wanted to make sure my mental health wasn’t fragile before I talked about why I did it. I got Angel killed.

“I’m sorry,” Caterina mumbled against my ear.

My brows furrowed. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because I wasn’t there for you, bellissima . I said those things to you when you didn’t deserve it.”

I looked up at her, and my eyes could’ve been playing tricks on me, but I thought her eyes were glossy. “It wasn’t your fault,” I reassured her. “I’m weak.”

“Never say that again. You are not weak. You are the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

I looked at her lips and leaned forward, kissing her gently, and to my surprise, she didn't pull away. And then I realized what I was doing, and pulled away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Don’t be. Let me take care of you. Just relax, okay?” I nodded as Caterina grabbed a loofah with her rose and sandalwood body wash.

The loofah drug slowly across my arm as her other hand rested on my side.

It was an intimate moment, something I never experienced before.

How could something so simple make me feel like this?

She was caring for me. I was naked in front of her, but my body wasn’t what she wanted.

She wanted to make sure I felt safe. Caterina didn’t realize what she was doing for me.

She was washing my body, but she was also helping me forget the remnants of my pain.

When the water turned cold, Caterina helped me out of the shower, making sure I was comfortable before she stepped into her bedroom.

When I was dressed in a loose t-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants, I stepped into the bedroom to find a very naked Caterina standing in her closet.

As much as I tried to divert my eyes, they skimmed down her toned body and her back muscles before landing on the curve of her perfect ass.

I smiled when I saw the T-Rex in a party hat tattooed on her right butt cheek.

I blinked a few times before stepping back into the bathroom to give her a moment to change.

My mom always taught me it was rude to stare, but holy hell, it was a sight to see.

I didn’t like how I reacted to her. She was cold and distant, but she was also sweet and caring when it came to my well-being.

For the most part, anyways. It was flip floppy with her.

Honest to God, she gave me a headache, but I was also the one that kissed her.

When I thought she was dressed, I stepped back out, clearing my throat so she knew I was coming out.

This time, she was dressed in a pair of black jeans and a red, silk button up that I noticed was her favorite thing to wear.

She was towel-drying her hair as she gave me a soft smile.

This woman was breathtaking, but I knew she could kill me if she chose.

That should’ve been a red flag or a turn off, right?

I didn’t know why I was thinking like this.

It didn’t matter how she was or what she could do to me; she was off limits.

Falling in love with someone who already said they would never love me was a bad idea.

Besides, I was not mentally stable or capable of loving someone.

That was taken from me, too, just like everything else.

When I stepped into Serena’s office, she was waiting for me.

Nerves danced in my stomach as I stepped into the room, my anxiety making my skin itch.

I already disappointed Lizzy, and by the look Serena was giving me, she was not pleased.

She didn’t look mad, but she looked disappointed because I gave up.

Maybe I needed to talk to her for real. She wanted to help me, and no matter what I told myself, I wasn’t okay.

I wouldn’t be okay in the blink of an eye.

I was free for a few weeks, but it wasn’t going to magically heal the pain and trauma I’d endured.

Did talking really help? I needed to do something so I could move on with my life.

If I let my trauma win, Vincenzo won. He wouldn’t write the ending of my story.

Serena didn’t say anything as I stared down at my hands.

They were trembling slightly from my guilt and fear.

Her silence made my anxiety peak, but this was what we did.

We sat in silence until she asked a random question.

There was no denying what I did. Everyone knew. I sighed, clasping my hands together.

“I didn’t want to die,” I whispered, my voice hoarse. “I—” How do I tell her I didn’t want to live, either? “I wanted everything to stop.”

Her face softened. She wasn’t looking at me with pity, but she was here to listen to me. I didn’t realize that maybe, that was exactly what I needed. “I am glad you are still here, and I am here with you through everything.”

“I didn’t try last time. With therapy. I didn’t think you could help me before.”

“And now?”

I gave her a frail smile. “I want to try. I know I’m not okay. I know I need to talk and stop pretending everything will be fine. I have a long way to go before I am okay.”

“And how are you feeling now?”

“Scared. Exhausted. Guilty.”

“Why do you feel guilty?”

“Angel died because of me.”

She set her notepad down and leaned forward. “What happened to Angel was not your fault. You didn’t kill her. Vincenzo did.”

“She died because I was here with Caterina. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt because of me.”

“Angel’s death will be avenged, and I know it is going to be hard, but her death will not be in vain. I want to move our sessions to four times a week instead of two. Is that okay with you?”

“Y-Yeah. I think I can talk about what happened to me next session.”

After the session with Serena, my stomach grumbled, and I made my way to the kitchen finding Lizzy, Luca, and Antonio. Lizzy was laughing at something Luca said as she playfully pushed his arm. I smiled at them as I stepped closer. Lizzy looked up and smiled brightly at me.

“Antonio made baked ziti. Have some. It tastes just like sex.”

I frowned. “How does sex taste?”

“Babe,” Luca chastised.

“Sorry. That’s a bad analogy. It tastes really good. I compare it to amazing sex with Luca. I promise it’s really good.”

“You know, I don’t know how that feels,” I admitted in a whisper.

Lizzy gave me a sympathetic look. “You will. One day. You’ll find someone who would burn the world for you.”

I glanced at Luca. “Does he?”

Lizzy grabbed Luca’s hand, squeezing gently. “Yeah. He would burn the world just to see me smile, but I would do the same thing for him. He’s my person in this fucked up world.”

“What did you do when you finally decided not to let them have control? Like with your body?”

“I explored my body. It wasn’t the first time I touched myself, but I finally got to choose my pleasure.

It took me a while to do it and not have flashbacks, but then my pleasure was my own.

I wanted to move on, but I didn’t trust people.

I trusted Cat and Spencer,” she explained.

“Spencer is a domme. I knew a little about kink before, and with them I knew I would be in control and safe. I’m pansexual, so being able to explore with her helped me heal.

It’s hard to explain, but I was safe. Eventually, my feelings grew for Luca, and I was petrified of another man touching me, but we both had broken pieces that wanted each other. ”

“That’s an understatement,” Luca muttered.

“We both needed safety, and we found it. This is your journey. Having sex is not something you need to rush into.”

“I know. I want the chance to choose now.”

“Yes. This life, your happiness, is your choice.” She smiled. “I have books if you want to read more, too. It’s not a guide, but it’s nice. Also, back to reality. We need to get your wedding dress. You get married in five days, unless we need to reschedule.”

I shook my head. Everything would continue as planned. “We can leave the house?”

She frowned. “No, babes. Not yet. I have dresses in my room for you to choose from. We’ll go to the church in five days, and I think if you ask Cat, she’ll take you somewhere for the honeymoon.”

I nodded as we walked up to her room. Marriage was something I wanted growing up, but with Vincenzo, I never expected to have it.

Technically, I still didn’t have it. Our marriage was fake, but I thought I wanted it to be real.

When I was around her, I felt butterflies in my stomach, and when she kissed me, fireworks exploded.

This was going to break my heart because I was falling in love with a woman who said she would never love me.

After trying on a handful of dresses, I found one that was breathtakingly beautiful on me.

The person looking back at me wasn’t one I recognized.

I felt stunning. I felt beautiful. I’d read where the bride knew she found the one, and this was it.

My marriage may have been a farce, but the wedding was going to be beautiful.