Page 33 of Merciless Queen (Moretti Mafia #1)
Harlow
My head was pounding and there was an annoying beep in the room.
I cracked my eyes open and groaned as sunlight beamed into the bedroom, making my head scream even louder than it was already.
The room didn’t look familiar, and my heartrate picked up thanks to this stupid machine.
At least I was alive, if that was even a consolation prize.
Vanilla and honey invaded my senses as the bed dipped. Elizabeth. I looked at her and frowned. Her face was sad. Puffy, red eyes, and tears streamed down her pretty skin. She looked disheveled, and I knew it was because of me.
I ran my hands over the stark white bandages and winced at the throbbing pain.
I remembered panicking and wanting everything to stop.
After leaving therapy with Serena, I didn’t remember much of what happened.
I remembered hearing glass shattering and crying, unsure if it was me or her.
She was the only person who would bother shedding tears for me.
Even when I was away from Vincenzo, he was still in my head, controlling every aspect of my being.
All I wanted was peace. And for a brief moment, I had it.
It felt empowering to finally have control over something, anything, in my life.
But when I looked at the sadness in Elizabeth’s eyes, a deep, undeniable guilt settled in my chest.
“I broke my promise,” I muttered, looking at the frayed material on the edge of the bandage. “I’m, I-I’m sorry.”
“I don’t care about promises, Harlow. Do you know how hard it was?
Seeing you like that? When the shower was on and the doors were locked, I knew what you were doing.
” Her eyes filled with unshed tears. “You don’t think I understand?
When they found me and brought me here, I wanted to die.
I tried, but killing myself meant that they won.
Do you want Vincenzo to win? Do you want him to know you did this because of him?
He’ll have that victory while you're dead.”
“I—”
“Don’t ever fucking do it again. I just got you back. You’re safe here. I get it. It's going to take a lot, but I don’t want you to give up and let him win. Let any of them win.”
“H-He killed Angel!” I cried out, my voice breaking.
“How many others have to die because I’m here?
I might be safe, but how many people aren’t?
Who is going to die next because I’m here with Caterina?
” No one should’ve died because I was here, because I chose an ounce of freedom.
I suffered for years in his grasp. My death would be a sacrifice that would save others if she would let me go back to him.
“Harlow, for the first time in your life, be selfish. Choose yourself. Cat, and Luca, and everyone else is working so hard to kill Vincenzo and get those girls free. Cat destroyed two shipments and saved five dozen women. She is going to kill him. She’s going to make you happy again.”
I was sobbing. My lungs were burning. I wasn’t sure if it was because of what Elizabeth said to me or if it was because of Caterina.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“No one is angry with you. Neither am I. I love you, Harlow. I understand more than anyone the battle going on in your head. I just don’t want you to give up. Life can be beautiful after the darkness passes.”
I nodded, hiccupping. “Am I going to be a prisoner in this room? Or can I get fresh air?” I needed to get out of this house. “I’m not going to do anything, I just need a moment before everyone bombards me with questions.”
“I don’t know.”
“Please. I’m not going to do anything. I’m sorry.
I couldn’t handle the guilt, and I wanted it to end, but you’re right, Lizzy.
If I kill myself, he wins. I’m out of his hands for now.
I don't need to go back. Please. I’ll be back when I clear my head.
And I want to feel the sun on my face. It’s felt like years. ”
“Okay. Twenty minutes, but if you aren’t back by then, I will tell Cat.”
I nodded and crawled out of the bed. Grasping the railing as I gathered my footing. “Do I wear her clothes?”
She nodded. “Here’s sweats and a t-shirt. It’s comfortable. We can get you a better wardrobe later.”
After I changed, Elizabeth walked with me downstairs and opened the front door. “Go before I change my mind.”
“I love you. Thank you.”
I ambled down the steps and walked toward the back of the house.
The gardens were calling to me, but the property was vast, and I needed the fresh air to clear the storm in my mind.
I followed a winding trail that led me to a small cabin-style house half a mile away from the main house.
It was small and modest, with a worn picket fence wrapped around it.
It was perfect.
The gate creaked slightly as I pushed it open, revealing tranquility.
The garden was a riot of colors, a smaller version of the main one in the front, with vibrant flowerbeds lining the fence line.
The aroma of fresh flowers mingled in the fresh air, a sweet and calming fragrance that cleared my mind.
In the corner stood a grand oak tree, its gnarled branches stretching out like welcoming arms. I took a deep breath, letting the serenity of the place wash over me.
The gentle breeze danced through the flowers as I walked toward the tree.
This was what I needed, the peaceful serenity of nature, a sanctuary.
My fingers brushed against the rough bark as I slid down and rested on the trunk, the grass cool under me as the damp blades seeped through the thick material of the sweatpants.
I let my head fall back, the wind threading through my hair as I stared at the twisting shapes of the branches.
My mom would always take me to the park when I was younger, especially when I showed an interest in art.
Nature was my muse, even if my chicken scratch was not museum quality back then. It was my escape.
When I was questioning my sexuality, I would find myself painting silhouettes of girls, creating love stories through art before it finally hit me.
My mom was the one who found my art and questioned me about it, which made me question myself more, and then I fell in love with Mallory, or what a pre-teen’s version of love was.
I wrapped my arms around my knees as tears fell from my eyes.
Thinking about my mother was always hard, the sensation like an elephant sitting on my chest. “Oh, Mama, I miss you so much.” I toyed with my bandages.
“I’m sorry I tried to hurt myself. I told you I would fight, but it’s so hard. I feel so lost. I’m so broken.”
I sobbed to myself, warm tears streaming down my face with a rawness that felt almost cleansing.
My shoulders shook with the force of each sob as the reality of what I almost did washed over me.
I almost let him win, let him have power over me even in death, but it was so goddamn hard trying to be okay when I knew I was not.
Who was I if I was not in a constant state of fear?
I didn’t know how to have a normal life, to live like a demon wasn’t on my shoulder tormenting me all the time.
My body shook uncontrollably as sobs continued to wrack my body.
The tears kept flowing, and even with hiccupping breaths, I couldn’t stop them.
It was like my body and mind were both breaking down, allowing me to grieve the girl I once was, and the one who was rescued from Vincenzo.
I hadn't truly processed my situation, scared that Caterina would be a monster like Vincenzo, or this happy story would fade to nothing.
“I just want my life to be normal again.” My words flew in the breeze, like a message to the heavens.
“Why did he have to do it, Mama? Why did Daddy ruin our lives? He destroyed us. He made promises and he still died. God, I miss you so fucking much. I just want to hear your voice again and feel your comforting embrace. I won’t hurt myself again. I’ll live for you.”
I wiped my eyes, my sobs evening out as I decided it was probably time to go back before Elizabeth sent in the cavalry.The last thing I needed was someone ruining my serenity.
Before I had the chance to stand, I heard two vicious growls, making the hair on the back of my neck stand.
I turned and saw two big, solid, black Dobermans almost the size of wolves with drool dripping down their jaws.
The best thing to do was not to panic or scream, triggering them to attack.
Of course Caterina would have rabid dogs.
They matched her personality. I didn’t scream or freak out.
Instead, I lifted my hand out and allowed them to sniff me.