Page 25 of Merciless Queen (Moretti Mafia #1)

Harlow

My hand glided across the notepad as I sat in the gardens.

I always loved nature and the feel of the sunlight on my skin.

After being deprived for years, it felt nice.

It felt odd basking in the sunlight and sketching roses in my sketch book while sitting in a garden pulled out of a book, but here I was.

It still felt like this would be taken from me any moment, but I kept telling myself I’d be safe.

I didn’t know if it was my mind or my heart that didn’t believe the mantra.

I found comfort in the gardens. The silence was peaceful, and it was exactly what I needed.

The engagement party was tomorrow, and after the disaster of a bachelorette party, I was terrified to be in a room full of strangers once again.

That woman was the reason it sucked. Angel was touchy, but she was a sweet girl.

I felt comfortable with her, but her bubbly personality was too much for me, and then people started to crowd us.

I ended up having a flashback and needed to take a break.

I didn’t expect to be cornered by one of Caterina’s psycho lovers.

I wanted to tell her it wasn’t real, that Caterina didn’t love me, but then she scratched me.

Talking wasn’t going to work, and I allowed her to rant until Caterina came to my rescue.

I was not meant for this life, even a fake life.

The trauma, the baggage, and the looks. Mafia wives were supposed to be beautiful women.

Perfect skin and hair, perfect bodies and dominating energies who were fearless.

I was scared of the wind. If someone got too close to me, I panicked.

My nightmares were still controlling me, even though sleeping with Caterina helped me.

I hated being a burden, and that was what I felt like.

After Callie cornered me and scratched my cheek with her devil claws, Caterina took care of me as I cried.

I hated the vulnerability that I showed in front of her because of who she was.

She was a strong, confident mafia boss and I was a broken, meek girl who was scared of her shadow.

Caterina cleaned my cheek and held me tight.

Something so simple shouldn’t have made me swoon when she was just being nice.

Everything she’d done for me was hospitality after she tried to kill me—even our engagement was a way to help me.

I wanted to be okay. I wanted to live a somewhat normal life and do everything that was stolen from me.

I wanted to go on dates, on vacations, see Florida beaches and feel sand between my toes.

As much as I hated school, I wanted to get my degree and teach.

I was never rebellious about school, but I always complained about it.

Now, I would do anything to go back in time and enjoy the little things it had to offer.

I finished the final touches on the garden I created when I heard someone walk up behind me. Elizabeth came to sit down next to me with two cups of chamomile tea. She gave me a smile before her eyes diverted to my sketchbook.

“You really are talented, Harlow.”

I shrugged, setting it to the side. “It helps. I’m not trying to make money off of it.”

“You know, Cat can help you get it into a museum.”

I shook my head. “Then I have to explain what it means and how I created it. This is therapy for me. I don’t talk to Serena like you want me to. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t want to talk about it yet.”

“It’s understandable. I didn’t open up to her either when I first met her. Never feel guilty for taking your time. It’s hard, I’m not going to lie to you. I was a bitch when I had my first several sessions with her. I called her every name under the sun, and she still showed up and listened to me.”

“I’m…I’m angry. My life never should have been like this, Lizzy.”

“I know, sweet girl. Horrible things happened to us, and I wish I could tell you why, but you survived. Healing is a long journey. It’s not linear. It’s a fucked-up line going every direction before it goes straight.”

“How did you do it?”

She sighed and laughed gently. “It was…hard. I hated everyone and everything. I was angry and hurt.”

“Did you find your family?”

She nodded, smiling slightly. “Yeah. My dad died a few months after I was taken. He had a bad heart, but my mom and older brother were always hopeful that I would come home. I see them from time to time, but they live in Tennessee, so it’s not always convenient to go out there with Luca needing to be here with Cat. ”

“I’m really happy that you have your family and Luca.”

“Me too, and now I have you, too. You’ll heal, too. I know it feels impossible and like it will never happen, but you will survive, and you will blossom into a gorgeous butterfly.”

“Can we do a movie night? Popcorn, cheesy romance, and junk food?”

“Of course, sweet girl. And we can find the dress you'll wear for the engagement party.”

My brows furrowed, but I nodded.

By the time I made it back to my bedroom, I was dead on my feet.

I talked more today, but not about what Vincenzo did.

We talked about the time I tried to escape with Lizzy and how it didn’t work out.

My brand burned whenever I talked about it.

I didn’t like the memory of his name on my skin; I was ashamed of it.

I was positive Caterina saw it, but she hadn’t mentioned anything to me.

Lena saw it when she did an exam after my panic attack in the basement.

She said no one would know unless I wanted to share.

I thought that was why Caterina never mentioned it to me.

Lena also said I had options for cosmetic surgery to help it.

I told Lizzy I needed a minute before we watched a movie.

It was tempting to tell her to leave me alone for the night, but to get back to normalcy, I needed to do things instead of wallowing in self-pity.

So, I was giving myself the duration of a bubble bath to be miserable.

I was trying, but God, it was hard. All I wanted was to be alone, and I wanted peace.

If I was being honest, I was scared of being normal again.

My normalcy was ripped from my grasp when I was young, and now I didn’t know how to function as a normal person.

Vincenzo took more than my freedom: he took my life without killing me, and now I felt trapped in limbo.

I had a chance to become something more than just Vincenzo’s favorite whore, his prized possession, and yet, I was scared to take that leap. Even now, he was controlling my choice.

I was tired of being angry all the time.

It felt like I was going back and forth between self-pity and anger.

Serena said that was normal in the healing process, but I was so fucking tired of fighting my inner demons and everything else.

I wanted my life to go back to normal, but what was normal anymore?

Could I have a life, even if it was a fake life with Caterina and her family?

Lizzy was happy with Luca. Maybe happiness could be in my future if I allowed it in without fear.

Caterina saved my life, even if she had an intention of killing me, but now I was free because of her.

I shouldn’t have let her hard work be in vain.

After the water cooled and my skin was pruney, I pulled myself out of the water.

I wiped my face and stared at myself in the mirror.

Sometimes I saw the little girl I was, laughing and dancing with my mom in our living room as she sang karaoke.

And other times, I saw what Vincenzo created.

I thought it was time to create a new person to see in the mirror instead of the girl that this world created.

Pain didn’t go away, we just had to make room for it, and it was time for me to make peace with my past and grow. It was time for me to live, not just for me, but for my mother. I knew she was watching me, and having a bright future like she always wanted would make her happy.