Page 19 of Merciless Queen (Moretti Mafia #1)

Harlow

The girl in the mirror was not who I was, but she wasn’t the same girl who was trapped with Vincenzo, either.

Her eyes were less sunken, less lifeless.

Her skin looked fresher, even with the scars mangling her body.

She looked like she was getting life back into her eyes as the days progressed.

Even her skin was less pale from sitting outside.

Even in the cold, the sunlight did enough.

I knew she was me, but I didn’t know who this girl was.

For ten years, I was Harlow, Vincenzo Mancini’s favorite whore instead of Harlow Lewis, daughter and dreamer.

I needed to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be.

It’d been almost three weeks since I’d been away from Vincenzo and inside the Moretti mansion.

Caterina and I had gained a comfortable routine in a few short days that involved me sleeping with her to keep my demons at bay.

How could one person I knew nothing about make me feel safer than I had in years?

She was ruthless, but she wasn’t like Vincenzo.

Vincenzo was cruel and vile, but Caterina was vicious but human, a screaming paradox.

How could she have humanity, yet be a part of the same world that destroyed me?

Flashbacks came and went at random times, paralyzing me and making everyone stare at me.

I hated the attention, the pity everyone gave me.

They stared at me and saw the broken girl that Caterina stole from Vincenzo, instead of the girl I wanted to be.

How could someone look at me any differently when I gave them the ammo?

I hated feeling like this. One day it would get better, but why did it have to be so hard? I wanted to be okay now.

I felt like I was trapped in a constant nightmare.

Fear that if I woke up, this would actually be a dream, and I would be stuck in Vincenzo’s grasp yet again.

Freedom was terrifying, and I didn’t know how to accept that it might’ve actually been real.

For ten years, my routine had been the same, minus the two years before I turned eighteen and my mom died.

Eight years…

My body wasn’t mine for years, not since Vincenzo forced himself on me and took every part of my soul.

I wished I wasn’t his favorite. I wished he would have killed me so I could be back with my mom instead of a wandering soul in this desolate world.

Lizzy was trying just like almost everyone else to help me adapt and live, but I was trapped.

I wanted to be strong, to fight and be one of the badass heroines in the books I used to read, but I was nothing like them.

I brushed a hand under my eye, wiping the useless tears that fell.

There was no point in crying over the past. I was saved for a reason, even if that reason was to pretend to be Caterina Moretti’s wife.

I was not going to relax until Vincenzo was dead, but for now, I could try to live.

My mom always told me to follow my dreams, and that was what I needed to do—except now, I had to find those dreams once again to chase.

Tugging the loose cardigan closer, I left the bedroom and headed toward Serena’s office.

This would be my seventh session, and she was being patient with me.

I didn’t think this would help. How was talking about my trauma going to help me?

Lizzy swore by the woman, and she was nice, but I didn’t know how this would help me.

Serena greeted me with a bright smile as she pulled her glasses over her face. “Good morning, Harlow. How are you feeling today?”

I shrugged, taking my seat in front of her. “I don’t know. I’m alive.” Everything was still difficult to comprehend and understand. I knew I wouldn’t be okay in the blink of an eye, but I wanted everything to stop.

“It’s okay not to know. It’s even okay not to be okay. That’s why I am here.”

I took a shaky breath. “How do I make it stop?” I asked her with tears in my eyes.

This was the first session where I decided to ask.

I didn’t know if I would talk about my trauma, but I couldn’t deal with the pain.

“I see him every time I close my eyes. I see every man who brutalized and used my body in the last seven years. I see my mother. I hear her screams. She protected me for years before she finally died.” My chest tightened at the mention of my mother.

“Tell me about her.”

I wiped my eyes as more tears flowed. “She was my best friend.” I wanted to remember the happy moments, but it was hard trying to remember my life before he took it.

“She had an intoxicating laugh. I hear it sometimes, but then it’s replaced with her screaming.

She protected me.” My fingers fiddled with my cardigan.

“Every time Vincenzo sent for me, she would beg them to take her instead. Vincenzo didn’t want my mom.

When I would come back, she would sing to me as I cried.

She would always apologize for what my dad did.

I didn’t even blame her when she died. I miss her.

I miss her so goddamn much, but she’s not here anymore.

She’s not in agony. She’s happy. At least, I hope she is. ”

She scribbled in her notepad. It was the first bit of information I’d given her. “Your mom sounded like an amazing woman.”

I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. It was difficult talking about her, but I knew my mom deserved to be remembered.

I looked up at Serena, and for the first time, I didn’t shy away from her sincere gaze.

She wanted to help me, but it was hard to believe this would work.

There was too much baggage, too much trauma.

“What’s on your mind?” She always asked me that. I guess today would be the day I actually answered.

“I-I’m scared.” I was petrified, if I was being honest. “Being free…It shouldn’t be this…hard?”

She gave me a soft smile. “It is scary, but don’t let that fear control your life.

Your healing journey is yours, and we move at your pace, Harlow.

” Her tone changed slightly. “If you are comfortable with it, I’d like to coordinate your care with Caterina, but also Lena.

” She attached a piece of paper to a clipboard.

I tensed and drew a breath. “O-Only simple things. I d-don’t?—”

“That will be something for you to disclose, Harlow. I just want to inform them on the basics so we can help you properly. From what I understand, Lena will be your PCP unless you want someone different, and I just want to let Cat know how you are doing, but I won’t tell them about anything.”

I nodded. I took her pen and scribbled my name. Maybe this was the next step needed to start healing more.