Page 21 of Merciless Queen (Moretti Mafia #1)

Harlow

The tears mixed with the hot water as it rained down on me.

The water was too hot, but the pain faded like everything else.

I curled my arms around my legs, pulling them to my chest with my forehead pressed to my knees.

The water pounded against my back, steam curling around me.

My skin was raw and pink from the vigorous scrubbing, but I didn’t feel clean. I never felt clean.

I knew Caterina was in bed with me, but she wasn’t there when the nightmare consumed me.

I didn’t understand why I thought she would be there.

Why did my body and mind calm when I was with her?

She calmed my storm, but when she wasn’t there, I felt like I was being pulled deeper and deeper into a dark chasm.

I thought I was doing okay, but I had a nightmare, and it felt like Vincenzo was in the room tormenting me, touching me, forcing me to…

I needed to get clean. I wanted my life back, but even here, he had his hands wrapped tightly around me.

He still controlled me. Being free meant nothing if I couldn’t feel safe.

It was insane to think about. I was safe here.

I had people who would protect me, but I was still trapped in a gilded cage.

Maybe I needed something more, but what?

The thought of going outside petrified me.

The world changed in the last ten years, and the little human interaction I got here almost sent me into panic attacks.

If one of Caterina’s men bumped into me or did a certain thing like breathing funny or laughing, I freaked out.

I was broken. I couldn’t live like this, but how was I supposed to survive?

I threw my head back, letting the hot water hit my face.

If my mom was here, she would’ve wanted me to fight, but she wasn’t.

Lizzy said it would take time to heal, but it felt like I was going backward on a downward spiral, hitting the sides and tumbling.

Why was healing so goddamn hard? Why couldn’t I snap my fingers, and the pain, anguish, and misery could just leave my soul?

I just wanted to be happy, but the thought of happiness felt foreign.

I leaned forward, pressing my palms to the slick floor, and attempted to stand.

My fingers slipped slightly, but I pushed on.

All I was trying to do was get out of the shower.

I grabbed the shower bar and forced myself up, my knees wobbling under me.

My vision tilted and my foot slipped from under me from the suds.

I tried to catch myself, but I failed, my fingers grazing the glass shower door as I tumbled down.

My body twisted, my head hitting the ceramic bench on the side of the shower.

Pain erupted in my face as blinding light flashed behind my eyes.

I gasped, turning onto my back as the water continued to pound on my body, only this time, I tasted blood.

I couldn’t tell if it was the blood or water trailing down my face, or maybe I hurt my lip.

The bathroom door slammed open as I heard footsteps. I was dazed when I saw Caterina’s stunning green eyes penetrate my soul. “Jesus Christ,” she breathed as she turned the shower off, not caring that her clothes were now wet. “You’re bleeding.” She reached for the towels. “What happened?”

“I-I slipped.” She pressed a washcloth against my forehead as she pulled out her phone.

“Lena, I need you to come to my bedroom. Harlow fell in the shower and hit her head.” She tossed her phone to the side and covered me with another towel. “Are you okay?”

I shrugged. “I had a nightmare. I woke up alone and I…I felt dirty. I needed to get clean.”

“Did you get dizzy?”

I nodded. “A little. I didn’t eat dinner, and it was almost lunchtime when I woke up.”

“Harlow, how long were you in the shower?”

I shrugged. “What time is it?”

“Almost three.”

“I think I woke up a little after noon? I wasn’t concerned about the time when my skin was on fire.”

Lena rushed into the bathroom before Caterina could say anything else. As Lena checked me over, Caterina called Antonio to have him bring me something to eat. The thought of food made my stomach churn. I knew I needed to eat, but it made me sick.

When Lena was done, Caterina stayed with me. She had me eat a small bowl of pasta and some soup. Eventually, I fell asleep in her arms. I didn’t understand how a woman who saw me as a pawn could feel like home. She was safe, and that scared me because when this was over, I would be alone once more.

The next morning, Caterina was in bed when I woke up, and she had a tray of fluffy pancakes and bacon on the nightstand.

I ate half of it before my stomach recoiled.

When I was dressed, Caterina excused herself to get to her club.

I needed to find something to do to keep my mind busy so I wouldn’t think.

If I could distract myself, maybe I wouldn’t have nightmares.

I needed to focus more on my painting and art.

Art was my outlet. It made me forget about things.

When I couldn’t think of words or explain how I was feeling, I had paint.

Most of my work now was moody and dark, but some of the best artists told powerful stories through their craft.

I wished it could absorb the pain from inside me as my hand glided across the canvas or my sketch book, but it just silenced the screaming for a little while.

I thought I was nervous for the bachelorette party on Friday.

The new people and human interaction terrified me.

At the club with Vincenzo, crowds were bad.

New people were worse. Maybe I was worried for nothing.

I knew I would be safe with Caterina, and it would be a new experience.

It could be a breath of fresh air, but at the same time, it might be a horrible idea.

I walked to the gardens. It was chilly out, but it wasn’t going to affect me.

I spent years trapped in the dark, and now I could finally bask in the sunlight.

It was difficult being in the house, and I hated to admit it.

Caterina’s men scared me. I loved Lizzy and wanted to spend time with her, but Luca made me skittish.

Right now, my brain associated men with danger, even if I was safe, and I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.

I hated feeling like this. Lizzy and Serena kept telling me it would get easier, but it was exhausting. Healing was a rollercoaster, and right now, it felt like I was on a constant downward spiral, tumbling and colliding with the edges. I was tired.

My fingers brushed against the soft petals of the white and purple pansies.

With it being the winter months, Caterina said her winter flowers would be in bloom.

I asked about roses once, and she said when spring came, more flowers would be in her garden.

She also asked if I had a specific flower I liked, but I didn’t have an answer.

The generic answer would be roses. They were simple, yet beautiful, but there were so many different flowers to choose from.

I sat by the fountain, watching the way the showers of droplets hit the water. It was beautiful out here. Maybe I could pretend that my life wasn’t destroyed and I had a normal life. Maybe I could lie to myself long enough to believe it and finally breathe without hesitation.

The thought of my freedom was a distant dream, but in reality, I just didn’t feel truly free. I was safe, but I went from one monster’s den into a golden, gilded cage.