Page 22 of Maximus (Gold Team #4)

I knew just how unsuccessful I’d been when Max smiled.

“Anaya.”

That was all he said, just her name like it meant something to him and it should mean something to me. The pancakes from this morning were sitting in my stomach like a brick, threatening to make a reappearance.

That’s when I knew with a hundred-percent certainty last night had been a huge mistake. I was jealous and I couldn’t hide it.

“Yeah, her. But you can’t—”

“We don’t know how long we’ll be staying at the house.

Liam’s six and Elijah’s four. They’re gonna be bored outta their heads sittin’ around a house they’re not allowed to leave.

I asked my teammate, Kyle, to ask his fiancée if she had time if she could run to the mall, or wherever the hell it is women buy shit, and pick up some stuff to keep the boys occupied.

I didn’t ask her to go all-out and fill the house to overflowing, but I also didn’t give her direction other than for her to pick up Liam a train set, Elijah that stuffed animal he keeps talking about, and that book they like for you to read them.

So, it’s a crapshoot what the house will look like.

There might be just those three things, it might look like Christmas morning times ten.

I have no clue. What I do know is, there’s enough shit swirling around those two, enough change and traveling that if I can give them a few things or a lot of things to fill their minds and make this a little easier for them—hate to say it because it’s gonna piss you off, but I don’t give a shit if it makes you mad. ”

I’d pretty much stopped paying attention to everything Max had said after the stuffed animal and book part.

I couldn’t believe Max had paid attention enough to see my kid was sad he’d lost his favorite toy.

I also figured it’d be a miracle if anyone could find the stuffed parrot Blu from Eli’s favorite movie, Rio .

Wet hit my eyes and I didn’t try to hide my gratitude at his thoughtfulness.

“Thank you.”

“Babe.”

“Really, Max, thank you for that. Elijah’s upset Blu’s gone.

I know it might be silly, but he’s slept with that parrot nearly every night of his life.

It means a lot to me that you saw he was upset and you tried to do something to ease that for him.

I’m sorry I was bitchy about it. But it’s not lost on me I can’t give my kids nice hotels and dinners.

And I might be able to pull off a few extra toys for them to have at the safehouse, but I could never give them Christmas, let alone Christmas times ten.

Part of it is I’m jealous I can’t do that for my boys.

The other part is I don’t want them getting used to it, because they’ll be disappointed in the future when they don’t get it from me.

And part of it is, I feel like shit you’re spending your money on them when we’re nothing more than three strangers and a job that will be over in a few days.

“But even with all of that, I want you to know I’m beyond grateful for how cool you’re being to them.

They haven’t had a lot of good in their lives and they’ve never had a man do anything that was kind.

So thank you for that, too. I promise you that I won’t let them forget your generosity.

They’ll remember that there are men out there who are good and strong and protective, men that they should be like when they get older. ”

“Christ,” Max grunted.

“Max?”

“You have no idea.” His voice sounded low and rough—full of gravel and grit—the tone he used when he was pounding into me.

“No clue about what?”

“How deep you cut me when you’re being open and honest. You have no clue that when you say shit like that to me, whisper my name, give me your fears, I wish I was a different man.

I wish I was a clean slate, free of the lessons I’ve learned.

I wish I could be the man you’ll eventually find and I’m jealous of some asshole that’s nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

Because when he finds you, and you give him what you just gave me, he’s gonna rightfully hand you the world.

And I wish like hell I could be that man. ”

I sucked in a breath so deep I was surprised there was any oxygen left. But no one had fallen over dead from suffocation and Max continued.

“The three of you are not strangers. You’re not just a job, though it’s important you know I’m taking the threat against you seriously and I will not let anything harm you or the boys. But you aren’t that, Eva, you’re a fuck of a lot more.”

Now I thought I was the one who was going to fall over dead from suffocation because I wasn’t breathing at all. My heart was hammering in my chest, my lungs were burning, and my head was filled with a yearning that wasn’t healthy.

I didn’t want Max to want to be the man he thought I’d eventually find. Mostly because he’d flat-out said he’d never actually be that man and that hurt someplace deep inside. But him saying he wanted to be, but in the next moment taking it back, killing the dream, hurt worse.

And lastly, I knew I’d never find a man to spend my life with.

I had two boys I had to raise into men. I needed to mend the pain my bad choices had caused them and find some slice of peace for myself.

Those efforts wouldn’t allow me to ever find a partner.

I was destined to be alone, and until Max had said what he’d said, I was okay with that.

Now my head was filled with garbage.

Some of it had to do with the sex. Some had to do with the fact I plainly just liked Max. Some had to do with the kindness he’d shone a woman who didn’t deserve it. Some of it was how he was with my boys.

None of it mattered.

All of it was just junk filling my head with the stupid idea I could have something that I couldn’t.

Max would never be mine.

Not ever.

And that didn’t hurt, it destroyed me.