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I didn’t know what he meant by his text, and I didn’t want to ask any further. I was interested in investigative journalism, but where Luke was concerned, I didn’t want to get too close to knowing more than I bargained for, and it could’ve all been one elaborate hoax.

Was he gay? Maybe bisexual. Either way, it wasn’t my space to question him. And I wasn’t going to use that in my write-up about the team.

Surprisingly, even after an exhausting day, I couldn’t sleep.

Most of the night I crocheted and watched cartoon, catching myself on occasion swaying side to side in a self-soothing rocking motion. My brain had been on constantly, even in little space, which is where my brain was supposed to turn off and enjoy all the things that brought me joy.

At 7 A.M., after an unknown number of hours, I found myself stretching awake and nearly whacking my laptop off the side of the bed.

My brain still swirled with thoughts about Luke and what he’d told me last night. I didn’t know if he was coming out to me, and I was kinda hoping to know more about it. If only for my own selfish reasons because that little crush everyone had for Luke might’ve been a sign of other things for me, like maybe the start of a potential fling. It would’ve probably been unethical then to also be assigned to report for the team.

All morning, it consumed me, from breakfast to brushing my teeth, to leaving the house before anyone else could wake up and make small talk with me, all the way on my walk up to the main campus buildings. I needed answers, I needed to know.

The air helped, fresh and crisp, being in nature was always an opportunity to clear out my mind. I didn’t want it too clear. I could do with avoiding the assumptions from people that I had nothing going on behind my eyes, as they had all throughout high school.

Reaching the library on campus, my phone pinged. It was for the college notice board under the Orcas, a new thread had been posted. I got notifications about those. I needed to so I could stay up to date on all team gossip.

The thread read, ‘ LUKE HOTCKISS IS HOMOPHOBIC’ and my stomach sank, my eye twitched, and I almost lost the breakfast I’d eaten. I clicked the thread so quick, standing just outside the library, ready to reach for a nearby bicycle rail to steady myself.

The first post for ten seconds ago was a compilation of old social media posts, screenshotted where he’d said, several times about things being so gay , from sitting exams to curfews, he was really throwing around the phrase that’s so gay like it was going out of style, and I couldn’t believe one of them. I didn’t want to believe any of them.

My mind was clear now.

* * *

Luke Hotchkiss was unphased by all the eyes on him. I watched as he strutted through the cafeteria, walking right towards me. He carried a white plastic bag in one hand and the strap of his backpack in his other hand.

I couldn’t shuffle and force myself to appear larger than I was to take up the entire table. I didn’t want him to come near me right now. He was radioactive with all the heat on him. I moved around my empty bottle and food tray, as well as the books I had on media theory.

“Like I promised,” he said, placing the bag in front of me.

“I saw the screenshots,” I immediately said, still quiet, I couldn’t raise my voice, even when it was cut off in all the cafeteria noise.

He sat in front of me and sighed but there was still that smile on his face. “I see why you could be mad.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just trying not to be around you,” I said, breaking eye contact, which was very difficult when he had such gorgeous eyes.

“You’re taking part in the Ice Kings Fantasy League?” he asked, grabbing at the flyer in front of me. I tried snatching it, but I had absolutely no grip to give. “Am I going to be one of your picks? I guess it all depends on the order you pick, right.”

“But the reason I don’t want to be around you is because of those posts,” I told him.

Luke turned the media theory book around to look at that as well. “Those are from when I was like twelve or thirteen,” he said. “I’m not being malicious about it, Wren. I’m not a homophobe.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

He grabbed my hand. My gaze snapped back to his. “I’m not. I have a sneaking suspicion I know who did this.”

“Who made those posts?” I asked, my skin immediately beginning to sweat under his touch.

“No, who screenshotted them, who posted them, who—who is now making me look like I’m something I’m not,” he said. “Coach has already had me in his office, it’s not looking good, but I wanted to ask you if you’d help me out with it.”

I shook my head before I could even hear him. “I don’t know if I can,” I said, filling the silence.

“You don’t have to do anything, actually,” he said. “But maybe like, go on a date with me, I mean, you are gay, right?”

My hand pulled away from the table and rested in my lap, wiping the sweat away from my palms. Now, I was officially being set up. “That’s silly. I’m not doing that.”

“Please. Wren. Please.” He toyed with his hand across my side of the table where I was looking down at. “I need people to know I’m not homophobic, and this is like the fastest way to shut them up.”

“But you’re not gay either,” I said, mostly to my chest.

Luke scoffed, pulling his hand away from view, I followed it up to see him lean back in the chair and look at the ceiling. “I don’t know what I am,” he said, his head turning to face me like he knew I was looking. “But I know there’s nothing wrong with being gay, and someone is trying to get me removed from the team. I can’t let that happen. Please.”

The skin on my lower lip was going to burst under the pressure my teeth applied to it. “What would dating you look like then?” I asked. “Like you’d just need to hold my hand and stuff? I’m not good at that. And I don’t like—I don’t want people looking at me all the time either. I’m gonna be under a microscope.”

“That’s pretty much how I feel right now.” He let out a heavy sigh. “You can say no, Wren, I really wouldn’t hold it against you.”

“No,” I told him. “I’m ok with a lot of things, but I don’t know if I’m ok with being used like that.”

He stood up, the chair screeching, and even more eyes looking at us. “If it’s possible, could you let the coach know I’ve been nothing but nice to you since last week. I’ll need it to make a case for why I should stay on the team, and as captain.”

The pit, swollen and continuing to swell in my stomach was like a balloon slowly inflating, trying to both weigh me down and blow me away. I didn’t know what to do now, or what it meant. Luke had maybe come out to me last night, and now, he was telling me for certain, he didn’t know his sexuality.

I left the cafeteria shortly after him, but eyes were still on me. I kept one hand on Bloo in my messenger bag, while my other hand was scrolling through the comments under the thread exposing Luke’s past.

Part of me wanted to say it was an overreaction, but I didn’t want to sweep another person’s view of it. He said he wasn’t even a teen; he shouldn’t have even been on social media. The digital footprint was going to become an even bigger issue with future generations, even this one.

Leaving through the main entryway into the building where the cafeteria was housed, I saw through the arched glass doors to Luke as he was being confronted by Liam, Dixon, and Marcus, the three powerhouse defensemen from the team.

Part of me knew I was going to regret my decision.

I walked up to them and slipped my hand into Liam’s. It was just a little fakery, but I’d find some way he could help me out later. “Hi,” I said.

The three daunting men, or formerly daunting, I’d seen the way they cared about each other at their Labor Day party.

“I told you guys,” Luke said, gripping my hand tighter. “I’m not homophobic. I’m dating Wren. I didn’t want to say anything, but someone posted all that, and now I guess this is happening.”

They were all pleased by the news, large smiles and high fives all around. It was oddly surreal to experience it, like I was part of the team. Maybe Luke’s reciprocation to me could’ve been help with my upper body strength because my arm ached now.

“Bro, you know we don’t judge,” Marcus said. “But those posts are bad news. We need to get them removed.”

“I agree,” Luke said, going back to hold my hand. “And we should find out who did it. I hope it’s not someone on the team. I feel like it would be such a large betrayal of trust.”

“You know, we should have a coming out celebration for you,” Liam said. “I could get Julia to order in those steaks and we could just celebrate you for being you.”

I felt guilty again for being persuaded into this, for being used like this. Luke wasn’t gay, not that he’d admitted it, but he was accepting the praise for coming out. I wanted that balloon of guilt in my stomach to blow me away, and I couldn’t remove my sweaty hand from his now.

“We can’t tonight,” Dixon said. “It’s Jack’s surprise party.”

Luke must’ve felt the sweat. He let go of my hand and now pulled me into a shoulder-to-shoulder embrace, even if he was several inches taller than me. “I’ll bring Wren as well, I really want everyone to get to know him and know that those posts were clearly me when I wasn’t being true to myself.”

And there he was, saying all the right things, because that’s exactly what I would assume someone accused of being homophobic to say. I just needed him to come out to me, if he really was gay, or bi, but if he was straight, I’d probably have to relocate to the moon from being such a fool.

“Absolutely,” Liam said. “Now it makes sense why you never had any girls over. I hope you eat before you come over though, Wren. The personal chef is strictly healthy, so don’t expect anything good.”

Everything was going too fast. I smiled and nodded. “Sure.” I could’ve just agreed to sign my soul away with how little I understood of what was being asked.

“Thank you,” Liam whispered as his face came close to mine.

Through all the hyperventilation, I couldn’t make a sound in return, just look ahead as my vision threatened to blur around the edges.

“You best go see Coach and tell him,” Dixon said. “He might have to call off the search for the new captain.”

I could’ve just had my entire sexuality co-opted because of a straight man.

Luke continued to hold my shoulder close to his. “Good idea. And keep an ear out to see if you can figure out who spread the rumors about me. Ok.”

Once the teammates left, I was being propped up at his side, otherwise I might’ve fallen to my knees, and I really didn’t want to make it a habit of falling to my knees in front of Luke, I suppose his nickname was Lucky, but he wasn’t going to be getting that lucky.

“You want to come with me?” his voice on the peripheries of my panic attack, soothing as they entered my ears. “You’re shivering.”

“I’m—” I let out through bated breath.

Now in front of me, both hands on my shoulders, rubbing my arms. “Thank you,” he said. “I meant what I said about inviting you to the party, and we’ll figure out how I can pay you back for this. I seriously owe you one, a huge one.”

Even though I was looking him in his eyes, I wasn’t engaging. “Ok.” I nodded, placating myself into submission. “I guess I’ll talk to you later then.” Because right now, I needed to go and lie down in bed. I didn’t have any more classes today, but I had planned on being around campus, so it didn’t look like I was staying in my room all the time.

“Wait. Can I kiss you?” he asked. “People are watching, and I really want to make sure they know I’m not—you know. I just want to show people that those posts were just bullshit, really.”

It wasn’t my first kiss, but the question gave me butterflies, and almost like it was the first time I was going to be kissed. “Yes,” I said, as if I was in a dream and nothing was real. Which I would soon discover was false.

The kiss was soft, his wet puckered lips pressed against what I could only imagine were my shock dried lips.

It was a kiss that was seen by the entire campus, one way or another, people saw it, and I had to see it for myself. At home, in the safety of my room, I stared at the photo in the campus community site. My brain didn’t even immediately register the person standing opposite Luke, and everyone in the comments of that picture had no clue who I was. Which was good to hear.