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Going back to college as a sophomore was supposed to be great, I was finally going to be taking on the assignments I wanted for the college paper, and I was getting to live off-campus near town where I could make friends with people—instead of more stuffies.

I drove from my mom’s house in Pennsylvania almost all day into the evening, my thoughts consumed with the idea that this year was going to be better, but there was always that niggle in the back of my mind that I would probably just stay in my shell, retreated and trying to avoid everyone. I hugged my crocheted amigurumi orca that I’d made, it was right between my thighs because I was a safe driver, and I was trying not to get distracted on some of the winding roads it took to get to Maplehaven where Caldwell College was situated.

The Maple Street townhomes, where I would spend the next three semesters living. In the late August evening with the streetlamps turning on and the smell of that soon-to-be crisp autumn in the air, I kind of felt like I was home, or at least, independently living.

I’d gotten my room last minute after seeing someone ask if they needed accommodation for the upcoming year. Something about one of their friends dropping out. It was cheaper than going for one of the cabins they had set up called The Pines, I knew a lot of students loved living in those places, but I wasn’t that introverted.

Parked on the curbside, a girl with a high ponytail raced out of the house to meet me. As I climbed out of the car, my crochet orca, Bloo, fell from my lap.

“You must be Wren,” she said, picking Bloo up from the ground. “Oh my gosh, so adorable.”

“Thanks, hi, yes, I’m Wren, I’m sorry I’m late, I—”

She chuckled with a big friendly smile, handing me Bloo back. “You’re not late at all, you said you’d be here around eight, and it’s—” she looked at her wristwatch. “Eight-oh-nine. So, how was the drive?”

“It’s fine,” I lied, I’d been full of panic, and she was a lot of sounds happening in my face all at once. “I’m exhausted though.”

She placed a hand on my arm. I knew she was trying to be nice, but I was panicking even more now. “I’ll show you where you’ll be staying, everyone else is here, and we do not have parking, but there are places you can park.”

“That’s just a rental,” I blurted, pulling my arm away, hoping she didn’t feel like I was yanking away. “I need to go take it to the rental place nearby. But yeah, my stuff is in the trunk, so I’m gonna unpack that and then I’ll take it. If that’s ok. Is it—is it ok?”

“Sure,” she said. “Oh my god, I’m Donna, by the way.”

“Hi,” I mumbled again, my fingers nearly choking poor Bloo in my hand.

“Let me get the others, do you have a lot of stuff?” she asked.

I shook my head. I had a suitcase and two boxes, mostly filled with yarn, but I didn’t have a lot. “I’ll be fine bringing it in.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, tilting her head.

Not a question I knew how to answer. I wasn’t sure of much right now, except that I wanted to settle in, find somewhere to grab a snack, and then maybe had a long night of sleep. I was desperate to nap, and not to meet four—now, three, new people.

It was two guys and two girls. Donna, Tara, Elliot, and Sam. I’d spoke to Tara and Donna through texts. Guys kinda scared me, I wasn’t a guy’s guy at all, except for the whole being gay thing, I kinda avoided being around guys.

Donna helped me take my suitcase and boxes inside the townhouse. It was nice, clean, spacious, and very unlived in. I knew that wouldn’t be the case for long. My room was on the second floor towards the back of the house. A smaller box room I’d already seen pictures of an agreed to. It had a desk, a bed, and a window out into the very small garden, but we were in Vermont, nestled inside the Green Mountains, everywhere was a garden.

I briefly met Tara before excusing myself with Bloo tucked inside my jacket now, hidden, so I could go drop the car off at the rental place. I was glad Maplehaven had a car rental place nearby, they rented a lot of winter sports equipment gear too when it was the season. It was obviously closed when I arrived, but that was to be expected. I dropped the car off in the bay designated and the keys in the return slot. Half of me wondered if I should’ve waited until the morning when an actual person could’ve seen me return it, but through the panic, I saw the security cameras.

Maplehaven was probably my favorite place in the world, which wasn’t that good of an opinion from me since I hadn’t traveled the world, but it was better than a lot of places I looked at when I was picking where to go for college.

Walking back from the rental place, it reminded me of another reason I loved this place so much. It was so walkable. I could walk to campus from the house, or I could even get a bike. On my walk back, I’d spotted a diner, mostly empty with a couple of tables. Jimmy’s Diner was somewhere I’d always seen students come to and full out the tables. It was rare to see it empty, and I was starving.

Staring inside, the bright white luminous menu on the backwall filled with pictures of big beef burgers and giant strawberry milkshakes. My mouth was collecting saliva. “What do you think, Bloo?” I asked, looking inside my thin jacket to see Bloo’s big black button eyes. “I agree. I need to eat.”

Two tables were occupied with loud and quite annoying sports guys. I knew they were from the ice hockey team because of the few games I’d seen last year, and I didn’t expect less from a division one sports college. I was lucky this place wasn’t overrun with them.

“Good evening,” an older man greeted me as I walked up to the counter. “Here’s a menu, or you can look behind me at the specials on the board.”

“Thanks.” I took the laminated menu and glanced over it, but my focus was split between the guys in the corner of the diner who I’d convinced were staring at me. I was always convinced someone was staring. I’d been on anti-anxiety medication for most of my teen years, but the last couple of years, I had been engaging in crochet and talk therapy. I didn’t like the cloud of haze that rumbled over my mind when I was on those meds. They’re not looking at you, Wren. Just don’t look at them. Breathe.

“Are you student?” the man asked.

“Yeah. What gave it away?”

“Freshman?”

“Sophomore.”

“You’ve got that look,” he said. “Not a bad look. Just overwhelmed. It happens to the best of us. How about I get you a strawberry milkshake on the house while you decide what you want.”

“Thank you.” I could’ve cried, but that was my body’s response to almost everywhere that had me emotionally compromised. “I’ll keep looking. I’m a bit of a picky eater too. So, I—”

The man smiled at me and nodded. “I get that. My daughter doesn’t touch vegetables.”

“Dad,” a voice called out from the kitchen as a woman walked through the double doors. “You’ve got to stop telling people that.” She approached the counter. “I do eat vegetables. Potatoes are in fact a vegetable, which he forgets, despite owning this place for twenty-five years.”

It caught me in a giggle and a snort. “I’m kinda the same. I will have a cheeseburger, but I don’t want any of that on it.”

His daughter clicked her tongue. “One plain cheese,” she said. “Any fries?”

Her father walked off, laughing and mumbling to himself.

I finished placing my order and was guided to a table by the window. It was in the direct opposite way of the hockey players in the other corner. I could barely see them now, but I could still hear them and their loud voices, traveling as if they were talking to someone across the street.

Occupied by my phone, I texted my mom and told her I was here safe, as well as getting something to eat. She’d offered to drive me, but she was worse than me with things, and something my therapist had mentioned about how her worries had hurt me in a way, but I could never have told her that, I didn’t want to send her into therapy too. I doubt she’d ever forgive me.

“Plain cheeseburger, fries, and a strawberry milkshake,” the excited voice came at me as food was place in front of me. “Also, hi, I’m Lucy.” She shuffled into the seat opposite me, placing the tray on the table. “I’m starting at Caldwell College next week, still living here, because my dad is cutting cost of accommodation.” She rolled her eyes. “If you don’t mind me asking, what are you studying?”

I was stunned, in a good way. “I—I—”

“Lucy, stop bothering the customers,” her father called from the counter.

“I’m making friends,” she sassed.

“I’m Wren,” I said. “I’m a journalism major, and I got into sports, watching it, not playing it, when I was younger with my dad, so this place seemed good.”

“Oh, where are you from originally?”

“Philadelphia,” I said, even if I wasn’t really from there, I lived close enough to say I was. “So, what are you studying?”

Lucy clicked her tongue. “I’m on the swim team,” she said. “I nearly qualified for the junior Olympics, but yeah, that didn’t happen, so I’m not salty or anything, but I would love to eventually swim for the US at the Olympic level.”

“And with no vegetables in your diet?” I joked, hoping I hadn’t overstepped.

She cackled and swotted her hand on the tray. “Except potatoes,” she said, still laughing. “But it’s mostly about the protein anyway. Anyway, I should get back over there considering we’re oh-so busy here.” She rolled her eyes again. “I’ll see you around, Wren.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled. Extroverted people were energy saps on me, I didn’t blame them for being an extrovert, but every interaction with me left me wanting to curl up into a tiny ball and feel the full weight of my beaded blanket to help cocoon me. In the booth at the diner, I focused on clutching my crocheted orca, Bloo, at my stomach as it grumbled from the smell of food in front of me.

Anxiety was an asshole. There was barely anyone in the diner, yet I was burning up from what I assumed were eyes on me, people watching me eat, people judging me from asking for a plain cheeseburger, and I didn’t want to be loud slurping the shake either. I was paralyzed in the seat for a moment, and then my body did its own thing, throwing me a life preserver out in the sea of self-sabotage, I grabbed one of the fries and it had immediate calming effect. My therapist mentioned how an empty stomach and caffeine could exacerbate symptoms of anxiety. I needed that daily reminder because I always forgot to eat.

The hockey guys all stood, and I recalled one of them. Luke Hotchkiss, he was announced as the new team captain before college broke for the semester. He was, in a word, gorgeous. Tall with these deep eyes that pinned him as campus heartthrob for another year.

I’d been staring, he caught me with a glance. A deer in headlights, I didn’t know what to do, so I continued to stare. He was going to be one of my picks for the fantasy league, without a doubt, I was going to do everything to get Luke Hotchkiss on my team. Last season, he won an award for goals he scored. I was surprised he hadn’t been pushed into the draft early, but I knew it wasn’t the dream of every player to be drafted into the NHL.

“So hot,” a voice whispered as they left.

Lucy was stood right beside me. “Oh, I—”

“I always try flirting with them when they come in, but nobody flirts back because of how protective he is,” she nodded to her dad behind the counter.

It must’ve been painfully obvious I was gay then if she was allowed to talk to me. “I mean, they’re ok, the football team has hotter guys.” That was another lie, I was getting far too comfortable just lying. The football team was made up of much more muscular men, and not my type at all.

“They’re fine, I guess,” she said with a shrug. “Meatheads and all. You got a boyfriend?”

As I looked down at Bloo, I spotted the rainbow enamel flag pinned to my jacket. Well, yes, the signs were clear and obvious. Maybe that’s why they were looking at me, assuming they were. It wasn’t like I thought anyone was homophobic, but the longer my brain thought about it, the more it festered into something I needed nipping in the bud.

“You don’t have to answer,” she said. “I’m just curious, and kinda nervous about starting, especially living so close to home. He thinks it’s a great idea though. If only I got into an Ivy, he wouldn’t have thought so then.”

“Yeah,” it was all I could offer afterward. I didn’t know what to say, my brain was mush.

After finishing my dinner, I paid sans the free milkshake, left a tip, and headed back on the nice walk to the place I would call home for the next three semesters. It was nice to be within view of nature and with signs posting to popular hikes, although I was not equipped for a hike, physically and I didn’t have the clothes.

All four of my new roomies were in the dining area when I got back, playing cards. They all looked friendly enough, but I declined their invite and headed to my room. I was far too exhausted from the drive and all that small talk in the diner. But ten out of ten, I’d go back again when it was quiet.

My room was mine; I wasn’t sharing a dorm room and didn’t have someone who liked to party in the bed across the room from me like last year. My eyes rolled every time I thought about Darin Spencer, although I wouldn’t see him again on campus, he dropped out.

In the closet of the room, there was new bedding wrapped in plastic, including a mattress topper which was an absolute luxury, although from a small bounce, I knew these were already comfier than the on-campus housing.

“We’re going to be ok,” I whispered, setting Bloo on the bed. “I’ll unbox everyone tomorrow. I promise.” Bloo was one of a long list of amigurumi crocheted items I’d made as a form of self-soothing, but blue was my favorite, and the one that looked the best. The others were slightly janky with the stuffing coming out and some of the crochet loops bulging.

Sophomore year at Caldwell college was going to be my year. I was going to make it my year.