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It was an amazing night, I didn’t know if there would ever come a day that would top it. He held me and played, he was learning a lot, and I wasn’t going to full into little space with him because that would’ve involved me, a large multi-pack of thick nib coloring pens, and as much of his skin as he’d allow me to color in while I slurped down juice boxes, watched anime, and forgot everything happening in the world.

Once I was home, I channeled all of myself into being creative. I knew nobody would see it, and this wasn’t being marked, but the creative muscles were begging to be flexed after what I’d seen last night, and maybe it was because they’d just won the game, but Liam had seemed a little flirty with some of the other players. I was not a good judge of human interaction though, which made sense, as I could never tell if someone hated me or wanted to fuck me. They both felt the same. You know, that heightened state of awareness like eyes on you, the prickle up the back of your neck, the intense want to vomit. Yeah, all those things could’ve been good or bad.

All my roommates were either in bed or out, which meant I was able to use the washing machine to put my clothes in. Especially the onesie I’d covered in cum, and upon further inspection, there was also some of the lube on it too, making it crunchy almost.

The world was just lighter now. I was dancing on the balls of my feet, and not because I didn’t want the floorboards to creek, but because I was happy.

Throughout the day, Luke messaged me. We were both trying not to be distractions to each other. His job much more important than mine as the team reporter.

—I think I should incentivize you. I messaged him on a particularly flirty feeling.

— Please do. I don’t want any of these freshmen thinking they can replace me when I leave. He sent back minutes later.

— If you score and win the next game, then I’ll do something special for you. I was bad at thinking on the fly. I should’ve said something sexual, but I didn’t know if he was going to be into that if it wasn’t right there in front of him.

— How about when I win the next game, you invite me into your world so I can see you play?

I did a giddy little stomp of excitement. I was ready to invite him into it, but I didn’t know how he’d react because when I was there, I liked to play.

— Ok! Deal! I replied with a kissing emoji.

He replied with a kiss.

Inviting Luke into my little world was something I had to prepare for. I knew he was going to win, there was just something about him, something lucky that made me know it was going to be a winning game.

It spurred me on to keep reading my media theory textbook and work hard to get the article written before it went to the college press on Monday night. I’d made meticulous notes about the plays they took and how they’d beaten the other team with a freshmen out on the ice.

Interests pulled me in all directions as I exhausted myself on a little bit of everything. I’d barely had change to regress and solo play before the day turned to the evening, and my roommates were asking whose clothes were in the washing machine. Oops.

* * *

Almost eleven at night and I’d been on the phone to Luke for forty minutes.

“I read over the report, I have no notes, although maybe a couple ‘ my boyfriend, the captain’ would look good in it,” he said.

Laid in bed, staring at the ceiling imagining the swirling constellations that he had played on a projector in his room, I kept a big smile on my face, just picturing it. “I don’t think they’d let me,” I said. “How was everyone when I left earlier? I don’t want to overstay my welcome at all.”

“Don’t even think that,” he said. “If anything, they’re probably staying quiet because you’ve got their careers at your fingertips. Not literally, but you know what I mean, nobody wants to be branded difficult.”

I scoffed and hugged Bloo harder. “I’d never do that. Well, only to the person who was mean to you.”

“Who?”

“The person responsible for that nasty post.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Except them, but I wouldn’t write it for the sports section. That would be breaking news, although I sometimes find that a bit like gossip, and gossip makes me nervous.” It was freeing to speak my mind to him. There was never any element of judgement to him. I could speak what was on my mind, and he would offer me those reassuring mouth sounds, the type that were between a hum and a coo. “Do you think there’s going to be anything done about that?”

“Nope. Nobody knows anything. I’m not going to let it eat at me though. There’s far too much I’ve got to do as captain, and if people don’t want to respect me, then there’s not much I can do, except work harder, and I am.”

“I know, you’re working the hardest out of anyone,” I told him. “It’s why you’re the captain.”

“That why I love you.”

We both fell silent. He’d said it.

I wasn’t hearing things. Was I?

“Uh. I—” Luke began, his voice turned to a mumble on the phone. “Thats’s not how I intended on revealing that. It’s—”

“I love you too,” I replied. “It’s not like it’s new information. I feel it from you.” Although I knew I fell in love easy, and I often fell hard and fast, it’s why falling to my knees on the ice hadn’t really been too much of a surprise. I always seemed to fall in front of the hot guy.

“Ok,” he said, his voice filled with a soft rasp to it. “You should get some sleep. So should I. And, I found one of your small teddies.”

I gasped, rolling around on the bed. It was going to be impossible to know which one I’d left behind. There was Bloo in my arms, but then there were so many of the smaller ones scattered around. “Which one?”

“It’s one of the octopus ones,” he said. “At least, I think it’s an octopus. It’s—oh, wow, it reverses, purple and blue.”

I’d gone through a phase of making so many of those. Most of them I’d sold online when I needed the extra cash for more yarn and to cover some of my expenses coming back to college. “You can keep it,” I told him. “I’ll make more. In fact, if you want me to make one for you, I will.”

“Maybe that could be something for when I win the next game,” he said. “Or, maybe you could teach me and we could do it together sometime. I heard it’s a good skill, can make your hands more dexterous. Which is always a good thing to have when you’re wielding a hockey stick.”

“As long as you don’t mind being bad at it,” I said with a giggle. “People are always bad at crochet when they start.”

“Except I’m pretty amazing,” he said. “But I’m willing to try. Ok, I think we should go to bed. It’s been—whoa, way too late. Good night, baby.” He followed it up with a big smooch to his phone.

I kissed my phone back, hoping the sound would imitate back at him.

Once we’d hung up, I was filled with thoughts and ideas for where my fan fiction could go. The pieces I’d been writing were based on real people, but since I was getting to know them, I’d started to give them different aspects. They were never called by their names, only their jersey numbers as if I’d been writing in code.

There were also nerves attached to the project because I knew it wasn’t going to be something people would want to read or be part of, especially when it was about them. And Luke was always asking if he could read something I’d written.

Relationships were hard, and so was the idea that me, at nineteen, thinking that relationships were hard was a groundbreaking idea.

I barely slept with anxious spikes poking at my thoughts, and the occasional idea that people were talking about me, gossiping. The only thing I could be sure of right now was the safety of my little space and my crayon colorful world that nobody could touch—at least not until I invited Daddy into it.

* * *

The library on campus was one of my favorite places to read and get work done. All the people there were working, and one of my therapists had mentioned that I should put myself in places where people have similar goals. She also mentioned body doubling, and it had some relevance over my ability to work harder when I thought people were also working.

After the first class of the day, I settled into the library at one of the empty tables closest to the book and furthest from the windows. I hated screen glare from the outside on my laptop, and the eyes that pried as they walked by.

I was still getting used to people looking at me and knowing who I was. My freshmen year had been fun because nobody looked twice at me. I say that with confidence now because I had always had that anxious mindset people were staring at me as if I’d grown a second head, but it didn’t compare to the feeling of actual eyes, like daggers almost.

A thud of books hit the table, startling me from the word document with the ice hockey game report on it. Looking up, Lucy was sighing into the seat across from me. “I’m so glad I saw you,” she said. “I’ve been having an absolutely awful time.”

“Oh no, what’s happened?” I asked, slightly dimming the screen. Although nobody was looking, it was a reflex, and I hated it.

“I’m on the swim team, and I’ve got a rash which is being tested, so they’ve stopped me from going in the water until they find out what it is,” she said, pushing her arm across the side of the table. “I told them it’s not ringworm, and it’s obvious, but like, it’s itchy, and—” She pulled a balled up fist of her cuff into a hand and began rubbing at the raised and red dots on her left forearm.

I knew those all too well, or so I hoped. “Are you stressed?” I asked. “Or anxious?”

“Check and check,” she said. “I told the nurse that as well, but they still want testing.”

“Looks like hives. Have you tried an antihistamine?”

“And anti what?”

“Like an allergy relief table,” I told her. “I’ve probably got some on me. I get bad hay fever and I picked the college nestled in all this nature.” I reached inside my messenger bag. Bloo was staring up at me. I hadn’t been able to tuck him under my t-shirt today, I was already feeling self-conscious. I passed him to the metal strip of antihistamines in the foil pop out tabs. “Yep. Got some.”

“I don’t have any allergies,” she continued. “But if they help, then I’m going to be so freaking happy.”

I handed the packet. “Just take one. In fact, you can have that, I’ve got more at home.”

“The next strawberry shake at the diner is on me,” she said. “Thank you.”

Glancing at the large text books, they seemed quite intense. “What are you studying?”

“She shrugged. I’m trying out a bunch of classes,” she said. “I just want to get a feel for everything on offer. I don’t want to leave feeling like I missed my calling in life. Although, some of the classes have requirements, or whatever.” She waved her hand at the air and rolled her eyes. “And what about you?” She took one of the tablet and washed it down with water.

“Journalism, communications, media, that sort of stuff,” I said. “It’s a lot of fun when you get into it, btu there’s a lot of intense knowledge cramming you’ve got to do.”

“Cramming,” she giggled. “Also, I wanted to come over and see if you found me any cute freshmen on the team you might want to match make me with.”

“You were serious about that?”

With a continuing effort to smile, I knew she was being serious. “Only if you’ve found someone. If not, that’s fine, I don’t want to embarrass myself.”

“I don’t really know them well enough,” I said. “There are like five new freshmen on the team. Are they really the types of guys you want to date?”

She shrugged. “I don’t even know, but it would fun, you know, going to the games, rooting for my guy, and then I don’t know, like traveling to their away games and being front row to watch.”

“There’s nothing stopping you from doing any of that,” I said. “But you should just come to the games anywhere.”

“Ugh,” she groaned. “I’m reading this one fan fic online right now—”

“You read fan fic?”

“I mean, who doesn’t, especially when someone is writing about your local team.”

It wasn’t me, at least, I hoped it wasn’t me. “Who is it about?”

“They don’t use names.”

Was it me? I wasn’t posting it publicly. “I—”

“It’s about one of the forwards, I know that. But it’s one of those insert yourself fics so I’m basically already dating number twenty.”

“There—” I combed through thoughts. “There isn’t a number twenty on the team.”

She laughed. That makes some sense then, because I tried looking for them online. Well, anywhere, whoever they’re based off is hot. I doubt it’s your man now that he’s outed himself, and I’m not going to imagine it. I don’t want to be disrespectful.”

“So it’s like straight fan fic?” I asked.

“There’s gay stuff as well, if you’re into that.” She winked at me. “I can send you the link if you want. You’ve got to search for the tags though.”

I didn’t know if I wanted to see it. I didn’t want to see anything about Luke, but if it was older content, they could’ve been writing about him for years. “Sure.”

She opened a notebook and tore a strip of paper from it. “The website is an acronym, like, if you know, you know, type of vibes,” she said. “And you’ve got to create an account their to read stuff.” She slipped the paper over.

Immediately, I knew I had an account, and I’d posted to it as well. Not the stuff I was writing now, but other fan fiction about the team from my first year. There was something on their about Luke. “Thanks. I’ll look.” My stomach sank. If Lucy had seen it and read it, it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that everyone in the entire library had too.