Page 15

Little space was hard to stay in with all the anxious adulting thoughts swimming around about everything. There was no rest from worry. I worried about what people were saying about me behind my back, and I worried about how this fake dating was going to end with Luke. He’d said on several times that he liked me and we still practiced kissing with each other, but he’d said this was all fake, and unless that had changed within the last two weeks, my brain was working under that assumption.

My stuffed teddies brought me joy but I hadn’t been able to work on any new crochet. Every time I picked up yarn and my crochet hook, I just sighed and wished for the bed to swallow me whole, and quite often, it did, under the thick duvet layer, I was now a badger, burrowed in a hole, and I wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

Luke had messaged me a couple of times already today, but I’d been inside my burrow with a media theory textbook, trying to focus on the reading assigned.

— It’s Friday, it’s the group hang tonight, let me know if you’re coming over, they’re going to film some videos and you’ve got such a good eye for detail, I wanted you around. Luke said.

It was true, I had a great eye for detail, but I didn’t know if I could stomach the idea of being around people right now. I felt hollow, like my body was a tube of penne pasta, and I hadn’t even been cooked. Ugh, I was pretty hungry, my stomach had been growling for so long, half of the words on the page I’d been reading were replacing themselves with food options.

— I can’t tonight, I’ve got to study still. I sent him. It wasn’t technically a lie because I could always do with studying time, but I didn’t need to. It was Friday, the weekend was ahead of me.

Luke was quick with his response.

— I was trying to think of an excuse to see you, I think we should talk, you know, just something casual, but you would be an asset in helping the team if you came over. I know you’re fill of great ideas.

His words gnawed at me, wanting to talk was always code for something deeper. Nobody said that if it was just casual, at least, not in my mind. I huffed and stropped, throwing my arms around inside the duvet burrow. I needed food before I decided.

— I’ll think about it, see how much reading I get through.

He sent back a heart. A fucking heart. My tongue swelled in my mouth, gathering a heartbeat of its own. I needed to tell him how I was feeling, because all these mixed signals were going to send me into a tailspin, and the last thing I needed was to breakdown again.

Everyone was home so making food in the kitchen was out of the question. I went to the diner, hoping it would be empty this early on a Friday where the afternoon met the evening. In cargos, a baggy t-shirt, and my jacket, I walked with Bloo tucked under arm. The clothes made it feel like I was back in my duvet hole.

Through the window, I saw a couple of tables and recalled the first night I arrived back in Maplehaven where I saw Luke and a bunch of other guys from the ice hockey team. They’d always been people I’d seen from a distance, usually very far as I opted for the seats further up in the stands. It was strange to know I could get within touching distance of them now, and kissing distance of Luke.

A frantic wave caught my eye from the counter. The waitress, Lucy, she was calling me inside.

All eyes on me, like my nervous system was exposed and experiencing wind chill. I headed inside and sat at the counter, forcing a big smile on my face.

“I thought I would’ve seen you around campus,” she said. “I guess everyone is busy.”

“Yeah, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks.”

She giggled. “Well, I kinda saw that. You and Luke, wow. How did that happen?” She leaned on the counter. “Come on, give me all the gossip.”

It was all anyone wanted to talk about, and if they weren’t asking about us, they were asking me to get them comped tickets or merch. I didn’t have the sway they all assumed I did.

“It kinda just happened,” I said. “I’m reporting for the Orcas this season, and we kinda met like that. And then he had to out himself because of all that stuff posted online.”

“Oh my god, the people saying he was being homophobic.” She gasped, pulling away from the counter. “They were clearly joke status updates.” She tutted. “People used to say that stuff all the time. Plus, he was like thirteen, right?”

She’d clearly read the article that was written about him. “Yeah, but the posts were removed, and now the only thing that remains on the thread us those other pictures.”

“You mean the ones of you two kissing.”

My jaw clenched and my stomach let out an otherworldly rumble.

“Obviously you didn’t come here to spill the tea with me. What can I get you?”

I looked around. I was already seated at the counter, the first step at overcoming an anxious situation was always to ground myself. “Fries and a plain cheeseburger, please. Oh, and one of those strawberry shakes. They were so good last time.” The second step was sugar, a little something sweet always helped my mood when I could feel it about to come crashing.

Lucy scribbled it all down on a slip and tore it from the pad. “Perfect,” she said.

Selfishly, I thought that would’ve been the end of the conversation, but it wasn’t, and I was glad for the company. Or at least I was once I started eating, I sometimes became so preoccupied with the way my brain was screaming at itself with criticisms that I forgot it needed nourishment in the form of actual food stuffs.

The moment food finally touched my lips it was like a gift from above, a smile finally flourished across my lips, and I could hear that little voice, my little voice, all the way inside telling me to put myself first, and by myself, it was referring to the little place, buried deep.

Luke texted again, asking if I was coming over, and telling me he had something important he wanted to talk to me about. Everything seemed important to him, and he probably never had to deal with someone like me before, someone who wasn’t going to drop everything just because he was hot or had a reputation on the ice.

But still, I’d agreed to go over, even if my face wasn’t on the same page as my words. Lucy was the one to point it out to me.

“You don’t look happy,” she said in her cheerful tone. “Is it the fries? I told my dad people prefer crispier fries.”

“No, no, it’s nothing.”

“That’s a whole lot of frown, for nothing.”

“I’m supposed to be meeting Luke tonight, but tonight is teammate bonding night, so I don’t know how to approach it,” I blurted out to her.

Lucy leaned on the counter again, getting closer as the intrigue of gossip had tickled her. “Sounds like a no-brainer to me, go and see what he wants. You know, I bet they’re not hanging out all night. Maybe it’s like a midnight thing. You know, like a sleepover.” She giggled and tried to wink.

That wasn’t it, but the idea tickled my stomach. “I don’t think it’ll be that,” I mumbled. “I’m just nervous, I guess. Feels like—”

“Everyone is watching you,” she finished for me. “Because, trust me, people are looking, and they should. You’re cute. I bet most of them are jealous Luke got in there before them.”

It was becoming increasingly difficult to pretend, because we weren’t together. Luke had no idea what he was, and I was a little still searching for a caretaking and occasion Dom Daddy. Luke didn’t even know that about me.

“Also, are there any hot freshmen on the team that you could set me up with?” she asked. “I do love the way hockey players look, I don’t know what it is about them, a little rugged, a whole lot of—”

The bell behind her dinged as her father called through a ready order.

I had crushed on so many ice hockey players over the years, there was something arousing about the way they pounded their bodies into each other, bodychecking one and another. I didn’t want them to do that to me, but maybe if I was wearing all the gear, I wouldn’t mind it too much.

Another text from Luke arrived.

— I’ll swing by your place and grab you on the caddy. I’ll just doing a grocery run.

Panic set in once again. He was desperate to see me. I was desperate to become invisible.

After settling the bill at the diner, I made a dash home, nearly losing Bloo in all the commotion. My stomach had a glug to it with each step and half-sprint I took. I’d overeaten and now I was being punished by my body. I was in no state to see Luke like this, even if this was fake, I wanted to pretend it was real.

I was home for all of five minutes, changing clothes and spritzing myself with fruity colognes before the doorbell rang out and I could hear Luke engage in conversation with the housemates. Glancing at myself, my eyes worried about lingering too long and deciding I had to change immediately. I wore a pair of jeans rolled at the ankles, some boat shoes, a nice graphic t-shirt, and a navy-blue cardigan that had taken me a month to crochet.

A knock came at my bedroom door. “It’s just me,” he said.

I stayed quiet for a moment and screwed my eyes shut trying to regain my thoughts. If he wanted to talk to me this desperately, then I needed to also have something to say, and it would probably pit us at odds because I couldn’t do this any longer.

“Come in.”

Luke opened the door and stood there with a bouquet of red roses in his hands. “I didn’t want to come over empty handed,” he said, stepping into my room and presenting the bouquet to me.

Staring at the offering, it was too much for me. I didn’t accept them. “To keep up appearances,” I mustered, mushing my lips together.

“No, because you deserve a bouquet of roses,” he said, pushing the door shut with his foot. “I wanted you to come over so I could apologize and talk about my thoughts, and your thoughts as well, because we might not think the same things.”

“Ok.” I sat on my bed and reached for Bloo, pulling him into my arms. “I’m listening.”

“I saw a counselor on campus, and she was great, she kinda opened my eyes to life and specifically, my life. I realized some things,” he said, sitting beside me and sighing. “I think I’m pansexual, which if someone had said that to me before I searched it up online, I’d have made a joke about kitchenware. Obviously, probably not appropriate.”

“That’s good to know,” I said, looking ahead still to where he’d been stood.

“And I’m demisexual, which again, before looking it up, I’d have ripped a joke,” he said, his hand tugging on mine to intertwin his fingers. “It means I don’t really feel attraction to people unless I form a connection with them, and, well, a deep connection.”

“Ok, I’m glad you got to figure yourself out,” I said, looking at him now, he was itching closer to me on the bed, but I was anchored in place. “So, that might bring me to what I want to talk about. Because I don’t think I can do this. I’m fine with the doing stuff for people to see, but I’m not ok with behind the door stuff, even if I might’ve said I was ok, I’m not anymore.”

For once, he was the one lost for words, or maybe twice. I wasn’t keeping count, I just knew he usually had more to say, and he said it usually with a confidence that even inspired me. “But—” His interlocked fingers twitched around mine in his hand. “But that’s not what I was saying. I—”

“What are you saying then?”

“I’m saying I really do want to date you.”

I didn’t know if that’s what I expected him to say. Sure, in some of my dreams, those words were uttered in my ear, often in a whisper before he went in for a nibble and I could feel his slight stubbly chin tickle my neck, but this wasn’t a dream, and he was sat right beside me, holding a bouquet of red roses, the most romantic of all the roses.

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

A giggle came out, like a nervous tick. “That’s not what I expected you to say,” I said. “I thought we were going to cut it there and maybe that’s why you wanted me to come over, so we could call it off in front of people. I really, really don’t know. My brain is kinda—”

Luke’s warm touch against my chin pulled me to a pause. “I was trying to tell you that I like you, Wren. It’s a new feeling, but one I want to explore, for real.”

I shook my head. “But I’m not sure you can give me what I’m looking for.”

He nodded. “Then tell me, what are you looking for?”

Gulping hard, I didn’t know how to approach it. It wasn’t exactly something that people knew about, especially people who weren’t even sure of their sexuality.

“I’m a little,” I whispered.

“A little?”

“It’s a type of play.”

He nodded and hummed. “Ok, well, I can play. I’m down to play whatever, I just know I want to explore this with you.”

“But it’s not something that you can just play, you have to want to do it as well.” I knew from experience of the forums on the adult websites that Daddies were often much older men who had grown into the kink.

“So, what do you want from me?”

Glancing at him from a dipped head, I stared into his big eyes. “I’m looking for someone who can take on a caretaking and dominant role.”

“A Dom.” He smirked. Clearly, he’d heard of that before. “I can look into it for you.”

“Specifically, me as your submissive, but as a little, as a boy, and you’d be—” my throat clenched a little harder now, unable to get the final word out. My face growing hot and even if I couldn’t see it, I knew I was beet red.

Luke bit into his smile. “I think I know what you mean. You want a Daddy.”

Butterflies. I nearly yanked Bloo’s stitching out. “A-huh.”

“I know a little about that,” he said. “I’ve googled a lot of porn in this sexual exploration phase.”

He wasn’t scowling and his upper lip was turning in disgust. He was willing to give this a shot. And now, I couldn’t move from sitting since those butterflies had moved south into my dick.