Page 80 of Learn Your Lesson

Some days, I really sucked at being a father.

My heart ached wondering what it would be like if things had happened differently — if Jenny were still here. A flash of what could have been hit me like a life in fast forward. I imagined bath times full of adventure and giggles and water splashing everywhere. I saw Ava traveling and exploring with her mom — beach days, theme parks, markets, and bike rides. I saw a life where I had a friendby my side to help in this wild thing called parenting. She would have been so much better at it.

Emotion stung my eyes when I finally opened them, and I sniffed, standing straight and composing myself.

The conversation with Chloe in the pool resurfaced in my mind again.

“Maybe it’s something we can do together. We can start introducing Ava to her mom one thing at a time. A food she loved, a place she enjoyed, a song, a movie, a photograph, or memory.”

I swallowed past the knot in my throat, pushing off the wall behind me and making my way downstairs like a zombie. Soft laughter wafted up the stairs as I descended, and when I rounded into the foyer, I found Chloe and Chef Patel at the small dining table — each with a glass of wine in hand.

“I can’t believe you made ascarecrow fatherand hid him in your closet for years,” Chef said on another laugh, shaking her head and looking at Chloe as if seeing her for the first time. “What did your mom do when she finally found it?”

“Oh, what she thought was even worse,” Chloe said. “Arushi. Are you ready for this?” She paused, waiting, and then shook her head like she still couldn’t believe it herself. “My mother, bless her,sworethat I’d made that damn scarecrow as a boyfriend — and that I was doingsinful thingswith a pair of overalls stuffed with straw.”

“No!” Chef covered her mouth as a peel of laughter slipped through. “Stop it, you’re kidding!”

“I wish I was. It was already mortifying as it was to admit that I wanted a father figure badly enough to stitch something so hideous together. But to then have my mother assume I was hiding some sort of pleasure doll?”Chloe rolled her eyes on a groan as Arushi burst into another fit of laughter. “I never recovered. Even now, I have hives under my hoodie just thinking about it.”

She shoved the sleeve of said hoodie up as if to illustrate, and Chef squeezed her wrist before wiping tears from her eyes.

Chloe looked beautiful.

She always did.

Tonight, she wore a lavender hoodie that readHalf Teacher, Half Teaon it. It was paired with flimsy gray sweat shorts that rode up between her thighs in the most delicious way. Her hair was pulled into a tiny bun on top of her head, though it was short enough that the bottom half of it fell out of the hair tie and hugged her neck, instead.

I stood in the hallway and watched her smile for longer than I should have.

She had the best fucking smile.

Why couldn’t I say shit like this to her?

Why couldn’t I tell her how much I missed her asking me questions and telling me her weird stories, how badly I wanted to make her smile just the way she was right now.

Words were broken for me. They always had been.

Then again, maybe it wasn’t just words. Maybe it was my heart, my soul, my ability to care for another human being without the fear of losing them.

It wasn’t just Jenny, although that was the freshest wound. But I’d lost my mom. I’d lost my father, even though he was still alive. And there was only so much loving and losing a person could do before a piece of them just… broke.

I’d meant what I said to Chloe that night in the pool house. I couldn’t give her a relationship. I couldn’t be her friend.

What I’d left out was that IwishedI could.

Like right now, I wanted to ask her about her father. I wanted to know why she never knew him. Did he pass away? Did he leave her and her mom? Did her mom leavehim?

But I didn’t have the right. I was the one who put the boundaries in place, and they needed to exist.

Especially because I was a starved man when it came to her, and I’d do anything, play byanyrules just to have the chance to hear her moan my name again.

“I think I missed quite the story,” I said, finally joining them in the dining area.

The words announced my presence, and Chef beamed a smile my way, gesturing for me to sit while she immediately jumped up to grab me a glass of milk.

Chloe, on the other hand, flushed a deep red and looked down at the table, untying her hair only to tie it back up again. It was still just as messy as before, and she seemed to not know what to do with her hands once she was done. She glanced up at me with a worried expression once Chef was gone.

“I’m sorry, we were just chatting. I can—”