Page 131 of Learn Your Lesson

It was engrained in me.

It was years of pain, of suffering, of rebuilding to who I had finally managed to become — all of it resurfacing and shutting down every door I had managed to creak open since I’d walked into this bathroom.

I cleared my throat, putting distance between us. “Let’s get cleaned up.”

I couldn’t look at her as I helped her stand, couldn’t find a comforting word to say as we took a shower and washed each other before she wrapped up in her robe and I dried off with a towel and we climbed into her bed.

She rested her head on my chest, and I played with her wet hair, my eyes on the ceiling and hers somewhere across the room.

And I hated myself more in that moment than I ever had in my entire fucking life.

Because I was just counting down the minutes before I could leave.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I knew the answer, I just didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want to be controlled and ruled by tragedy, by trauma, by a physical response to intimacy that I had no goddamn power over.

Thiswas why I’d drawn boundaries.Thiswas what I’d been afraid of.

And yet, I’d broken my own rules. I’d been just as guilty in this as Chloe was.

Maybe more so.

And here we were, silence stretching between us, lines blurred, hearts too involved.

“I’m going to head in,” I said, my voice a low croak as I maneuvered her off my arm.

I sat up, but before I could stand, Chloe’s hand wrapped around my forearm.

I stilled, taking a calming breath before I glanced over my shoulder at her.

“Will,” she breathed. “Don’t you… can’t you stay?”

Fuck.

I closed my eyes, nostrils flaring, trying to reach for that part of me that had opened to her. I tried tostayopen, willed myself to be calm and kind and understanding. I willed myself to do what she asked, tried to convince myself how I would love it, too.

But it was like a monster breaking free from the flimsy cage that held it at bay, like I was being taken over against my will. I felt it happening, and yet I was powerless to stop it.

The doors slammed shut.

The walls grew tall, lined with barbed wire.

The monster roared.

It didn’t even feel like me as the scowl slid into place, as my jaw hardened, the muscle beneath it popping against my skin.

I met her gaze. “Are you sure you’re still okay with this?”

It was as if I’d slapped her.

Her head snapped back, lips parting before she zipped them shut again. She swallowed, her eyes dropping from mine in shame at the same time she released my arm.

I thrashed against the monster, wanting to reach for her, to apologize instantly.

But I was a prisoner inside my own soul.

“Of course,” she said. “I’m fine, I just… I don’t know, I’m being silly.” She gave a pathetic excuse for a smile, waving me off as her eyes glossed. “Go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”