Page 112 of Learn Your Lesson

I didn’t even shy away when she asked about how I was after Jenny died.

I told her everything — from the way I broke down and nearly lost my spot on the team to how I rose above the grief and became the best version of myself on the ice.

But how I felt like I’d lost myself as a father in the process.

Every new story she shared with me, I felt my heart crack. Every story I shared with her, I felt the crack widen. Over and over again, the cycle repeated, and I found myself making room for her to slither in, to make a nest, to make a home.

I found myself wanting to make a home in her, too.

And then, like the colossal asshole I was — I’d shut down.

I didn’t know why Chloe stayed. One moment, we’d be talking and she’d be laughing and I’d be leaning in for more. The next, fear would spike through me, the memory of Jenny so fresh in my soul that I couldn’t escape it.

It was a trauma response too significant to play off, one no amount of therapy or self-awareness could fix.

I was just… fucked. There was no way around it.

And I knew I was hurting her.

When we had sex, I left immediately after. When the talks got too deep, I’d close myself off to her and be a grumpy sonofabitch until she left me alone. I wasn’t too blind to see the hope in her eyes turn to disheartened pain every time this happened, but I was too emotionally stunted to do a damn thing about it.

My brain would beat me senseless as soon as I was by myself, reminding me with every menacing thought that I could wind up back where I was four years ago if I wasn’t careful.

That was always enough to sober me.

I couldn’t go back to that man. I couldn’t risk losing my team, my daughter, all because I couldn’t keep myself in check.

More than that, I couldn’t bear the thought of fucking everything up so royally that Chloe wanted to quit.

Because even ifIcould survive her leaving, I wasn’t sure I could say the same for Ava.

My daughter loved her. I knew that without needing to hear it. It was in every mannerism of my little girl…from the way she held Chloe’s hand to the way she said goodnight.

As it stood, Chloe and I had an understanding. We both agreed what we were and what we were not, what we never would be.

If I could stick to that, we would all be okay.

So, I vowed to remind myself of that fact every chance I got.

I could have her in this small way, but I had to keep my head on straight. I had to protect my daughter, protect Chloe, protect myself.

This was a house of matches that was one wrong move from going up in flames.

I was only half-focused on the television as Ken Jennings read the four-hundred-dollar answer in the category the contestant had chosen. He said something about a right-wing group from the 40s named after the first Cold War victim, and I mumbled, “What is the John Birch Society?” at the same time as the contestant.

There was no joy when Ken confirmed the contestant and I were both right. I just blew my nose and let the tissue fall to the ground beside me, my nose so raw now I wanted to die every time I touched it.

I was ready to climb into bed, but wanted to make sure Ava got down okay before I did. Chloe had gone upstairs more than an hour ago to get her settled.

Another ten minutes of the show went by. I was fast-forwarding through a commercial break when suddenly, music thumped from a speaker upstairs.

It was a Mia Love song, loud and obnoxious as ever. I frowned, ready to grump for them to turn it down, that it was too late for this shit. But the music grew louder and louder, like the speaker was moving toward me.

And indeed, it was.

I looked up at the top of the stairs just in time to find Chloe and Ava strutting down in matching costumes — which consisted of dresses made with more pink sequins than should have ever existed in the wholeworld,let alone this house. They even had matching shoes, which were god-awful turquoise house slippers in the shape of a… narwhal?

Ava barely contained her giggles as they danced down the steps in sync, hopping down two steps before they’d wiggle their hips and back up one step, then repeat. Chloe held onto the speaker while Ava held onto the railing.