Lily

“ L et’s go over it one more time.”

I shuffle the study papers around in front of me, trying to find the one I want. With finals coming up and my dreams becoming more frequent, I’m drained in every sense of the word.

I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. The only thing keeping me sane right now is Luka. He’s been my rock every time I wake up in the middle of the night screaming. When the anxiety surrounding the fact that my death is quickly approaching overruns all my senses, he’s there to calm me.

He’s held me while I cried myself to sleep and when I’ve raged over my predetermined fate. I don’t know what I would do without him. I push thoughts of my untimely demise out of my mind so I can focus on Luka.

“I think I’m good, babe. We’ve been at this for hours,” Luka says.

“Just a few more minutes.” My head suddenly pops up. “Hey, did you ever hear back from the doctor about the tests?”

I can’t believe I forgot to ask. God , what kind of girlfriend am I? I’ve been so consumed with my dumpster fire of a family curse that I didn’t remember he should have gotten his test results by now.

His smile is sweet and patient. “You were right.”

“Luka, I suck! I’m like the worst girlfriend in the world.” I feel like dog crap for forgetting. I reach over the worn wooden table, our favorite place in the library, to take his hand in mine. “I’m sorry. ”

He shakes his head. “For what? For helping me when no one else could or would? For seeing something that a dozen other tutors never saw? You don’t need to apologize for that. You did everything right.”

“No, I’m apologizing because I forgot to ask like an insensitive jerk. I’m apologizing for not being there for you when you got your results. I’ve been so consumed with my own drama that I forgot.”

“Drama? Anyone in their right mind would understand. Besides, it’s not a big deal.”

“Yes, it is! You did something you didn’t want to do because I asked you to, and I just forgot. I feel like a crap girlfriend.” I still can’t believe I did that! He laughs, and my brows furrow. “Hey, sir! I’m being serious .”

His laugh settles into a beautiful smile, and he places his hands on either side of my face. “Lily, baby. Stop . I’m not mad or upset or even a little hurt. You got that?”

“You should be,” I mumble.

He sticks his tongue out at me, and the silly gesture has the tight ball of anxiety in my stomach unraveling. I give a small giggle, and with it, my body almost sighs in relief.

“You promise you aren’t mad, or upset, or hurt, or even just a teeny tiny bit aggravated?” I ask, pushing the pads of my index finger and thumb together as a unit of measurement.

Luka snorts as he holds out his pinky in front of me. “Not even a teeny, tiny little bit. I pinky promise.”

My mind goes back to the first promise he ever made me, which was soon after we first met. A promise that I’m forever grateful he broke.

I wrap my pinky around his as we both lean in to seal it with a kiss.

“Have I told you how proud I am of you lately?” I ask when I pull back.

“Not today. I was starting to think you weren’t impressed with me anymore,” he says with a smirk.

I playfully swat at him. “Seriously, Luka. Even with everything going on, you’ve still managed to get your grades up even higher. Now, with the official diagnosis, you can get the assistance from the school that you deserve. This should help get the administration off your back, too. ”

I’m relieved Luka finally took the steps to get the accommodations he deserves because he works too hard, and Luka is too smart to be told he isn’t good enough.

He’ll always be more than good enough.

“Don’t get all mushy on me now, Miss T. You’re the one who got me here. It’s all you .”

“Nope. I only helped. You’re the one who did all the work. I’m so proud of you, Luka Russo. I love you more than you know.”

His smile literally takes my breath away. “I think I have a pretty good idea if it’s as much as I love you, Lily McKenna.”

I don’t know what I did to deserve this man, but I plan to spend the rest of my days soaking up his love and affection, no matter how long that may be.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever, Lily Pad. Spill the beans. I want to know everything!” Stella says.

She sips from a glass of wine that I just poured for her. We’re curled up on my living room sofa, watching reruns of Bones. We haven’t really hung out since the roller rink, and even then, we didn’t get time to talk. I’ve missed my best friend.

“ Everything ?” I ask, waggling my eyebrows just to get under her skin.

“ Ugh , gross! No! If it pertains to my brother and a bed, leave that out,” she demands. She takes a drink of her wine and almost immediately chokes on it. I laugh as I pat her back to help clear her throat.

“Just the bed? So, I can talk about the times on the kitchen counter and in the shower?” I ask innocently.

Stella dramatically slaps her hand over her ears to shield them. “Lily! Do not scar me like that! I may never recover.”

I laugh as I pull her hand away from her face. “Relax. I promise no oversharing here. I was just messing with you. ”

My best friend narrows her eyes at me suspiciously. “So, your kitchen counter hasn’t been defiled? It’s safe for me to touch?”

My eyes cut to the counter, where just a few days ago, Luka ate me out and then proceeded to give me not one but three orgasms. “ Ummm …”

Stella makes a gagging sound that’s more real than fake this time before suddenly standing and turning around to look down, pointing her finger at my couch. “Is this safe?”

When I break out into a full belly laugh, Stella turns and points toward the armchair sitting next to the couch. “What about here?!”

I fall over and suck in a deep breath that only turns into more giggles.

“Lily! Seriously? Is there any item of furniture in this bitch where I can sit that my brother hasn’t fucked you?!”

I shake my head, trying to stop laughing because she looks like she’s panicking a little, with her head darting around the room comically. She still hasn’t moved an inch, frozen in place so she doesn’t accidentally touch something her brother made love to me on.

“The chair.” I wheeze. “The chair is safe.”

She eyes it like it has three heads and might bite her. She still hasn’t moved an inch.

“I promise. There has been no hanky panky on the chair.”

She looks from me to the chair before slowly making her way over to it. She pauses a moment before gently lowering herself to the edge of it.

“Next time, we’re hanging out at my place,” she says as she slowly scoots back. She looks as stiff as a mannequin. Her arms hover above the armrests, not quite resting on them.

“When have I ever lied to you?”

“Never. At least, not that I know of,” she answers, seemingly still inspecting the chair like it might tell her if Luka defiled me on it.

“The. Chair. Is. Safe.” I enunciate each word slowly.

She looks at me and then back at the chair before lowering her arms a fraction, stiffly resting on top of the fabric. “ Sooo, how are you and Luka?” she asks, trying her best to be cool with the fact that her brother is banging her best friend. She fails miserably, considering she has a newly formed contamination anxiety.

That’s when I really lose it, laughing. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about him,” I say between gulps of laughter as she continues to sit perfectly still on the chair, unwilling to touch it any more than she already is.

Man, I’ve missed hanging out with her. I needed this more than she knows. I’m forever grateful that she dropped her plans and came straight to my apartment this afternoon when I texted on a whim to ask if she wanted to hang out.

“Oh, fuck it,” she says as she takes a huge swig of her wine and finally relaxes into the chair. “There probably isn’t a surface in here that’s untouched with the way my brother looks at you.”

I shake my head. “I promise the chair is safe, and I promise to never defile it with your brother just for your sake.”

She waves her hand dismissively. “Next time, my place, okay?” she demands more than asks.

I nod. “Next time, your place.”

Silence fills the air for a moment as Stella sips her wine, and I relish the quiet company. I’ve been so lost in my thoughts and fears that it’s nice just to have someone here, providing unconditional support and comfort. Even though she has no idea what’s going on.

I’ve struggled with whether I should tell her or not. I even asked Luka what he thought, and he said it was ultimately my decision. However, if he were in my position, he’d tell Stella because once she’s in your corner, she’ll always have your back no matter what.

Luka thinks I need that right now, and maybe he’s right. Still, part of me is holding back, just like I did with Luka. Part of it is a defense mechanism for me. Saying this crap out loud hasn’t gotten any easier, and I don’t want to be treated differently because people think I’m dying. It’s almost like being diagnosed with an incurable disease with a rapidly approaching expiration date.

The other part is that I want to protect her. She’s my best friend in the entire world, and I know she would do anything for me, including hunt down any answer she could while running herself ragged, trying to find a cure to an incurable situation.

There’s no escaping my fate. I’m trying to come to peace with what will most likely be my fate. I’m just preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. It’s an impossible feeling, one I don’t want to burden her with.

“What’s up, Lily Pad? Why are you so deep in thought?” she asks.

“Do you believe in fate, Stels?”

Her eyebrows knit together as she pulls her feet up under her on the chair, finally getting more comfortable. It seems she forgot about her newfound contamination anxiety. “Maybe. I think it depends on the context. Like a love-at-first-sight kind of thing? If that’s the case, no, I don’t.”

“No, more like there’s a predetermined path meant only for you that you can’t change or alter. We’re only here to live out our time until we reach the end of that path. When it’s done, it’s done.”

There is a pause as she thinks over my words. “Hmm, I don’t know if I’ve ever really thought about it. Like no matter what we do, our outcome will always be the same?”

I nod. “Exactly. No matter how hard we try, we can’t change what fate has written in the stars for us.”

“I don’t know. I think we can influence our fate. Like maybe we have two to three different outcomes, and our choices lead us down various paths that correspond with our choices. It would give us more wiggle room for free will. Otherwise, I don’t know how free will truly exists.”

“Maybe not everyone gets free will,” I say, wishing my path was different.

“Why wouldn’t they? What makes anyone different from me, you, or the girl down the street?” she asks.

“Everything and nothing . ” Which is the problem.

I don’t understand why I have this curse to begin with. Nothing in the book points to a specific event in time that led us all here. It’s like it just appeared one day, seared into our bloodline.

How am I supposed to fight something when I don’t know why it is happening ?

“I don’t understand. Why are you asking? Do you think something bad will happen to you?”

“ No . I—It’s nothing,” I say dismissively. I already regret saying as much as I have. I shouldn’t pull her into this, and I shouldn’t have even brought it up.

“You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?” she asks, scooting forward on the chair.

“I’m okay. I just read this book on fate the other day, and it got my mind swirling with all kinds of questions.” I fake a small smile for her benefit. My heart plummets at the fact that I’m lying to her, but it’s for the best.

“ Oh . Okay. You had me worried there. After the other day at the roller rink and tonight, I thought…” She trails off.

After I had pushed away from Luka at the skating rink, I ran to the bathroom to regain my composure. Luka talking about our hypothetical kids that night gutted me. At the end of the day, no matter how much I want that for us, I don’t think it can happen. I couldn’t stand there and listen to him talk about the future like that when I can’t give that to him. It was a special kind of torture that I’d never experienced before and never want to experience again.

Stella came into the bathroom a few minutes later that night to check on me. I brushed off my sadness by saying I was bummed I was such a crappy skater. Stella laughed and said I had plenty of time to get the hang of it.

Unfortunately, I had another dream last night. This one was the most intense yet. I saw myself driving down an almost deserted road. The sun is high in the sky—midday, I would guess. I lose control of the car and go over a bridge before plunging into the ice-cold water below.

I tell my best friend the biggest lie of my life. “I’m okay. I promise.”

I’m anything but okay. I can’t shake the feeling of impending doom that has taken up residence in my heart. It won’t let me out of its grip, no matter how hard I try to free myself.

Time is running out.

My breath catches, and I go pale as I hear the voice .

“Are you okay?” Stella asks with concern as she stands from the chair and comes to my side of the couch. She touches my arm gently to get my attention when I don’t answer her.

I clear my throat. “I just got a wave of fatigue suddenly. You think we can call it a night?” I ask, praying she’ll agree because I’m freaking out on the inside. I haven’t heard that voice in weeks, and the first time I do, it’s this? Was that a warning?

She looks at me intently and then down at her watch. “Oh, damn. I didn’t realize what time it was. We need to get to bed. Finals are tomorrow.”

I smile, praying it isn’t shaky. When I speak, I try to sound more enthusiastic than panicked. “Yep! Bright and early. Thank you for coming over to hang out and help me forget about all the craziness for a minute! Preparing for finals this semester has been brutal!” I brush the back of my hand across my forehead in a show of exhaustion.

Stella laughs. “Girl, tell me about it. You had double duty with helping my brother. I’m sure you’re exhausted. Let me get out of here so you can get some sleep.” She leans in to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Call me when you get out tomorrow.”

“Will do. Good luck. I know you’ll do great!”

“Go get ‘em, Tiger!” she answers playfully.

I giggle at that as we both walk to the door. Stella slips on her shoes in the small foyer before she grabs her purse. She leans in to hug me, but before she lets go, she leans in farther.

When she speaks, her voice is a whisper. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll all be okay. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

A huge lump forms in my throat, and my eyes instantly water. All I can do is nod and whisper back, “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Lily Pad.”

Before I know it, she’s out the door, and I’m sinking to the floor in a pile of grief and regret. That feeling of impending doom is so strong that I can hardly breathe through the heaviness sitting on my chest.

Time is running out.

I freaking hear you—loud and clear.

Help me... Please. I implore the voice but I’m only met with silence.