Page 22

Lily

I t’s late, and I’m drained from the day. I finally made it to my grandmother’s, but we haven’t had a chance to talk about anything significant. She wasn’t expecting me so soon, so she already had plans with her friends to play bridge. I didn’t want to interrupt her plans so I told her to go, and I would hang out at the house until she got home.

I’d forgotten how long bridge games can go for. She was gone for most of the day. I didn’t mind, though. I needed time to get my thoughts together anyway, and it was nice to have some quiet time back on the farm, where I spent a lot of my time as a child.

Since my grandfather passed from pancreatic cancer, it’s just my grandma and Jack, a man who my grandfather hired before he died to help my grandmother. He comes and helps with the animals and chores around the house.

He’s a kind man in his fifties, a hard worker and loyal. He’s been with my grandmother for over ten years now. With him here, we don’t have to worry about Grandma getting out and doing something she shouldn’t be doing and getting hurt. It was one of the biggest things my grandfather wanted settled before he passed away.

He's been gone for just a little under ten years now. He was the best grandpa a girl could ask for. Always willing to listen and took me out on my favorite horse, Daisy, whenever I wanted.

I was young when he died, but I still felt that loss on a visceral level. Nothing, however, compares to the mourning my Grandma May felt. Grandpa Clyde was her entire world besides my father and me. Now, she just has me because my father rarely visits or calls.

I spent the day helping Jack feed the animals and clean out their stalls. My grandmother has horses, goats, some chickens, and a peacock on fifty acres around twenty miles outside of Waterloo.

This part of New York is farmland, right in the heart of Finger Lakes country. My grandparents have lived here for over fifty years. They bought this little farmhouse when they got married. It’s where my father grew up, and it’s the one place on Earth I would actually call home.

It’s peaceful here.

Luka hasn’t said a word besides hey yet. I don’t know why he wants to talk, but I suddenly get nervous that something is wrong. Why else would he want to talk?

“Is Stella okay?” I rush out suddenly, worry swirling in my stomach.

“What?” He sounds confused. “ Oh , yeah, she’s fine.”

My eyebrows crease. Then why the heck is he calling? Is he upset that I missed our study session? I texted him, but he never responded.

“Look, if this is about missing our session—”

“I’m sorry, Lily.” His tortured whisper stops me in the middle of my sentence, and my heart rate picks up.

He’s sorry ? He wants to apologize now? At almost one in the morning, when I’m out of town, and things are spiraling out of control with my prophetic dream?!

He doesn’t know any of that, of course, but his timing is less than ideal. I don’t need this right now. I don’t want to deal with whatever happened between us right now.

That’s not the real reason, Lily, and you know it.

Ugh! What is up with this pesky freaking voice! Go away!

In all honesty, the real reason is that I don’t think I can bear to be rejected by him again. I thought he liked me, and I thought we had a connection, but I was so wrong .

When I don’t say anything, he continues. “I’m sorry for the way I treated you. You didn’t deserve that. I know I can’t take it back, but I want to make it better. Will you let me? Will you forgive me for being a stupid asshole?”

I’ve been holding my breath in apprehension this whole time, but when he calls himself a stupid asshole, I sigh.

“I thought we already went over this. You aren’t stupid.”

He laughs, but it’s a self-deprecating laugh, not one out of humor. “No, Lily. I think stupid is a pretty accurate word for how I’ve acted.”

I won’t disagree with him there.

“I panicked. I…I… I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I pulled away instead.”

“Deal? Deal with what? I thought we were friends, and then we weren’t. It isn’t like I was trying to be your girlfriend, Luka. You’re the one who came on to me. Not the other way around.”

“I know, and I’m so damn sorry. I should have never done that.”

My heart sinks when he admits that he never should have flirted with me. It isn’t what I want to hear, but it’s the confirmation I need to let it go. I can still figure out how he plays a role in my death without romantic feelings popping up whenever I’m around him.

“It’s okay. We’re all good. You’re safely back in the acquittance tier, right where you want to be.” My tone comes across snappier than I intend.

That’s a lie, and you know it .

Oh, shut up, will you! I reply to the random voice I’ve acquired in my head.

I feel like I’m losing my mind a little more with each passing day. The dream is all I can think about. It has started to consume me, and hearing a voice in my head isn’t helping to alleviate the feeling that I’m going crazy.

You need to be honest with yourself and with him .

My eyes slam shut as I try to push out the intrusive voice. I don’t want to admit that the voice is right, but it is. My nerd brain knows that the voice is simply a magnification of my subconscious. These are my thoughts, my brain, or intuition, or whatever someone wants to call it .

That fact doesn’t make it any less annoying, though. I don’t want to forgive him and let him off the hook so easily. He really hurt me because I thought he was a nice guy. I thought I could trust him, but it turns out he’s just like the rest of them.

“Are you okay?” The vulnerability in his voice surprises me.

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I just… I don’t know. I don’t know how to describe it, but it feels like something is wrong. Like there’s a black cloud or something. I know I must sound like a looney tune or some shit, but I’m not. I just need to know you’re okay .”

My eyes water at his sincerity. “I’m fine. I just needed to get away for a few days.”

“I get that. Stella and I are debating heading home for the long weekend, too. Where are you?”

I hesitate to tell him, but decide if he’s trying, I can, too. “My grandmother lives on a farm close to Waterloo.”

“Waterloo?” he asks in surprise. “That’s where Stella and I are from. I thought you said you were from Rochester.”

I know that they are from Waterloo. Stella told me, which was why I didn’t want to tell him at first. Something holds me back. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism. Maybe it’s because I’m still pissed at him.

“Yeah, I know. I did. I am . My parents live in Rochester. I spent summers out here with my grandmother, and maybe the occasional weekend, but I’m not from here.”

“Hmm, that makes sense. I guess I’m just surprised, is all.”

“Yep.”

There’s only silence, and neither one of us knows how to fill the void. Everything feels off somehow, and I don’t know how to fix it.

“Why did you leave early? Didn’t you have classes?”

I internally groan. How am I supposed to answer without telling him I’m freaked out because I have reoccurring dreams about my death, and he’s somehow involved.

“I just needed to get away.” I keep it simple. Vague .

“Is it because of me? Is it too much with the tutoring? If it is, we can stop or at least only meet once or twice a week. I was worried that three times was too much. We can stop, you know.”

He rambles, and I kind of love it. I smile because this I can relate to—being so nervous that my mouth runs away from me.

“Luka, it isn’t you. I promise.” Well, that’s not entirely true, but again, it isn’t like I can tell him. “I just have some personal stuff I need to deal with, and my grandma is helping me.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

I close my eyes from the overwhelming desire to spill my guts to him. The desire is so strong that the words are begging to be released. “No, but I promise to let you know if there is, okay?”

“Swear? Because it feels like things aren’t okay, and I know you have no reason to trust me, but I want you to know that if you need me, I’m there in a heartbeat.”

I choke up at his proclamation. Can I trust him? Should I trust him? I feel like I trusted him too fast before, and then he pulled the rug out from under me. Now, it seems like I may have no choice but to trust him. The dream has become too intense.

It’s hard to describe, but I’ve only ever felt relief before a calming balm washes over me when I see those beautiful gray eyes in my dream. It feels like I need him, like my only chance out of this is him . I could be completely wrong, though. It’s possible trusting him is the biggest mistake I could make.

Ugh.

You need to trust him, Lily.

I fight back a growl at the voice.

“Why?” I ask.

“Why what?”

“Why you ? Why me ?” I know my questions don’t make sense. I know he can’t answer them, but I ask them anyway because it’s all I can do right now.

“Why not us?” He answers my question with a question of his own, and it stops the spinning—it stops the chaos in my brain. It’s such a simple answer, but it’s so much more.