Page 21

Luka

“ D o you know where Lily went?” I ask.

Stella looks up from her sketch pad she was just drawing on. She came over to my place to hang out since Lily canceled our study session tonight. It’s just the two of us watching TV, and Stella is mindlessly drawing on her sketch pad. Rowan was supposed to be here, but some girl called, wanting to go out, and he hopped on the chance to get laid tonight.

Lily’s vague text message this morning has bugged me all damn day. I wanted to call her and ask what happened because I can’t shake the feeling something is off. The feeling has been sitting heavy in my chest since I read her text.

Of course, I didn’t because I didn’t want to seem like some psycho who was stalking her. Considering how badly I’ve screwed things up, I can’t even pull the I’m just a friend calling to check up on her card.

Hence, why I’m trying to pry the answers out of my poor, unsuspecting sister. I’ve reached a new low in my life. I should be man enough to ask Lily directly, but I’m not. I haven’t had a chance to apologize, and I wanted to do that in person. My plan was to do it tonight during our study session, but that clearly didn’t work out.

Fuck my life.

She continues to draw. “She didn’t tell you?” Her question seems innocent, but if I know my sister, it’s anything but.

“Not in so many words,” I answer vaguely .

“So, that’s a no.”

Maybe unsuspecting was a poor word choice.

She absolutely suspects that I’m fishing for answers. However, that doesn’t stop me from pushing Stella for more.

“Seriously, Stels. Is everything okay?” I ask, letting my concern and bad feeling into my tone.

She finally stops drawing and looks up at me with confusion painting her features. “Why wouldn’t everything be okay? She’s just going to see her grandmother.”

A sigh of relief leaves me. “Why is she going to her grandmother’s? What about her parents?”

Stella’s eyes narrow. “Why are you suddenly so curious and asking so many questions about Lily?”

I shrug noncommittally. “Because I want to know.”

“Then you should ask her.”

Stella is just as stubborn as me, maybe more so. Her response doesn’t catch me off guard, but it does aggravate me because I want to know everything about Lily, and Stella isn’t helping in that endeavor.

I groan. “If I thought she would tell me, I would.”

“Tsk, tsk, Brother. And why would that be?”

My eyes narrow. What’s with her and these weird ass questions? Why can’t she just fucking answer? It’s called a conversation for a reason.

Because she knows something’s up, and you’re holding back, jackass.

Oh, yeah. Right.

My head falls back on the couch as I stare up at the ceiling. “Because I fucked up, and I haven’t had a chance to apologize.”

Just then, the front door slams closed, and Rowan comes waltzing into the living room. Stella ignores him as she gives the biggest and most overdramatic sigh I think I’ve ever heard in my life.

“Why are guys so stupid?”

“Is that a rhetorical question?” Rowan asks as he sits on the couch next to me. Stella is curled up on a little lounge chair with her sketch pad open across her lap. As soon as she sees Rowan eyeing it, she closes the pad and tucks it between her and the seat.

Stella has loved to draw since she was a little girl, and she’s damn good at it, but she’s also self-conscious. Very few people outside of her inner circle have seen her drawings. She’s genuinely talented and has a huge passion for it, but she’s never wanted to do anything public with her art. Stella said once that she does it because she loves it, and she doesn’t need a bunch of strangers to tell her how good or bad it is. It’s only for her.

I envy her ability to not give a damn about anyone else’s opinion. Her passion is just that. Hers. It’s also why she was drawn to clothing design. She can sketch and have a creative outlet.

She loves to draw faces, hands, a body in motion, anything to do with the human form, really. She’s freaking talented, and I’m so proud of her.

“Yes… I mean, no… This isn’t rocket science. If you want to talk to her, talk to her,” Stella says.

“Wait, back up. What are we talking about here?” Rowan asks as his gaze is trained on Stella.

“Weren’t you on a date ?” I ask because he’s fucking up any headway I’d made with my sister. Not to mention, I don’t particularly like the way he’s staring at her like she’s the best thing since sliced bread.

He needs to cut that shit out. Right now.

“No, it wasn’t a date, and I decided I wasn’t as interested as I thought I was,” he answers casually.

“See! Men! So freaking dense and just out for one thing. I don’t know why the female population even bothers.”

A smirk grows on Rowan’s face as he leans back on the couch and spreads his legs open. “Oh, I know why.”

Stella’s gaze narrows on my roommate. We’re getting so far off track here that we can’t even see the rails. I’m pretty sure Stella is ready to strangle Rowan.

“Does this mean you don’t know?” I ask to get us back on track.

“Oh, I know, but I’m not telling you. If you want to know, call her . You have an apology to give and some groveling to do, dear sweet Brother. ”

“ Ohhh , now I know who we’re talking about,” Rowan, oh so helpfully says.

“ Duh . Who did you think we were talking about?” Stella asks, annoyance clear in her tone.

“Could’ve been anything for all I know. Maybe Luka here has decided to go off and join a convent. Or hell, maybe a traveling circus. Or the rodeo! You never know.” Rowan grins.

I snort. A traveling circus? “Do I look like a clown?” I ask as a joke, but when Stella nods vigorously, I take offense. “Well, that’s fucking mean.”

“Lily is the sweetest, most genuine person I know. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, that tells me that you have been an epic ass. I don’t care what your intentions were or why. I’m with her on this one, Brother. You need to make it right.” Stella is stern and to the point. A point that stings as she jabs it home.

Rowan slaps his hand down on my shoulder, squeezing briefly before letting go. “I hate to say it, bro, but she’s right. If anything, you need to do it to get your head right and get focused on the ice.”

“No, he needs to do it because it’s the right thing, damn it,” Stella snaps.

“I was getting to that part before I was so rudely interrupted.” Rowan’s eyes bore into Stella’s, but Stella won’t back down. She never does, but Rowan looks back at me and ignores her to continue. “Most importantly, you need to make it right because this isn’t you. You aren’t the kind of guy to play games and play with a girl’s emotions. Just be sure you know what you want from her before you talk to her, yeah?”

Stella’s eyes finally soften after Rowan finishes. She nods in agreement.

Everyone makes it sound so damn easy, but it isn’t. Nothing about this feels easy, but the need to reach out to her and make sure she’s okay is growing by the minute. Pretty soon, I won’t be able to ignore it. That feeling outweighs any doubt or insecurities I have about fixing things between the two of us.

Time to man up and do what I should have done days ago.

Beg for forgiveness.

Maybe then this heavy feeling will go away.

I’m lying on my bed, spinning the ring that Lily gave me over and over. It’s dark in here; the only light is from my laptop sitting on my desk in the corner of my room. The screen saver flips through old pictures of mostly Stella and me, some of me playing hockey, and some of my parents. I stare blankly at the images, not really registering them because all I can think about is Lily.

It’s past midnight, and I still haven’t called her. I don’t even know if she’s up. Every time I’ve reached for the phone, I stop because I don’t know what to say or how to fix this.

I’ve really dug myself a hole here. She doesn’t really know me except the side that I’ve shown her, and that’s the problem. I’ve been a dick, hot and cold, then aloof. She has no reason to trust me. Hell, I don’t even trust myself with her. My feelings have been all over the place, but the one thing I do know is that whatever I do feel for her is the most intense, intimidating, and terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced.

I pull in a deep breath, then hold it for as long as I can. My lungs burn, and my vision swims, but I still don’t release it. I used to do this a lot when I was little. It was a way for me to refocus my mind, and that’s exactly what I feel like I need right now.

Focus .

I need to figure out how the hell I can get this girl to forgive me. I finally release my breath and reach for my phone. I don’t stop to think about what I’m going to say. Instead, I’m hoping it comes to me as I go.

Me: Are you awake?

She doesn’t respond right away, and I worry that I’m too late, that she’s already in bed. I look at the clock, and it’s twelve-fifteen. Finally, after about five minutes, I hear my phone ping with a text. I grab it from the bed and quickly swipe to open it.

Lily: Yeah.

I let out a sigh of relief when she responds. That heaviness in my chest lifts just a little but doesn’t go away completely. I roll over onto my side to try to relieve the rest of the pressure, but it doesn’t work.

Me: I missed seeing you tonight.

I leave the screen open and watch three dots appear at the bottom, then disappear and reappear for a solid minute before her response comes through.

Lily: I didn’t think we were doing this…

Me: I didn’t think so either, but here we are.

Lily: What does that mean, Luka?

I can’t help but appreciate how direct she is, and I know she’s confused and hurt. I did that to her, and I need to make it right. Still, I don’t want to do this over a text. She deserves better.

Me: Can I call you?

Those dots reappear and disappear again, then she finally responds.

Lily: I don’t know if that’s a good idea, and it’s late.

Me: Please .

The need to talk to her is so overwhelming that I have to get out of bed just to pace so I can clear the anxiety-induced tingling in my limbs, itching for me to move. I stand there for a moment before pacing my small, slightly cluttered, dark bedroom. I’m anxious, and I know it’s my fault. I hope she takes some pity on me.

I’m shocked as hell when my phone vibrates in my palm. I look down to see Lily McKenna’s name flashing across the screen .

I don’t hesitate to answer.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” she responds.

Then it’s quiet for a moment as we both just listen to each other breathe. The sound is so calming that some of the heaviness in my chest lifts even more. It’s a strange reaction I don’t understand, but I also don’t question it because I welcome the reprieve.

Now it’s time to lay it all out there and hope like hell she can forgive me.